Help - Been left, need advice as have no one to talk to

[CatsPJs1]

This is the first time I have ever been on a forum but I’m at a breaking point, sad, lost, hurt, angry - the list goes on. I just need some level headed people to help me see the wood for the trees..

I have just been told by my partner of 4 years that they need time to reflect, clear there head, a clear conscience. Children’s future worrying them.

We came together at the end of two relationships - yes we had an affair, I’m not proud of it. But we fell in love and become best friends, never an argument and what time we spent together was everything we ever wanted - dreamed of being together, talked everyday - soul mates and true happiness and a connection, first time in my life I have been happy other than having my kids. I found my best friend.

I came out of my relationship 18 months ago ( happy spilt, good for kids and both of us and we still friends ) i hung onto the dream that we would be together, my partner telling me they will leave soon.. My partner came out of there’s 4 months ago, found it hard to leave... I never once pushed them to leave by the way.

For 12 months my partner has imbedded there life into mine, spent time with my kids, house hunted with me, met the ex, my family, friends and work. Told me I was everything and never wanted to let me go ( wouldn’t let me go even when I struggled with our set up of me waiting as at times it felt to much for me to cope being alone while there still at home )

Then out the blue last week, I have been told that about the clear conscience, kids, lie telling, clear head, reflect. Like a light switch one day.. We was together 4 years and now I been told this after 4 months of them leaving there martial home in Covid.

I feel like ive just plugged missing in there marriage, the fun, excitement, thrill, someone to talk to and keep from the day to day boredom.

Now that they have moved out into rented accommodation, the day to day challenges have become to tough and the easy option is to go back to a failed marriage ( for the kids )

I have done everything in the way of support.

Feels like the 4 years have been a lie. And I’m just being dropped like a stone now. A friend said, “they bought the boat, but won’t leave the harbour”

Have I been a fool to believe that a relationship started on lies ( affair ) would ever come of something?

Should I be angry that they have come into my life, imbedded themselves in my family and then just walk away..

Was I just a game? Play with my feelings and there ex’s..

Or should I just walk away, except that the pull of the kids is what it is..

I’m just so hurt, feels like I’ve been lead down the garden path. I haven’t even been given a decent conversation other than afew texts.

Or do they just need time, a lot gone on at once, they having a wobble?

Or have a just been used?

It sounds like the man has just had a change of heart. It's not something he necessarily has any control over. It just happens. It could just as easily have happened to you. Just tell yourself it's best that it happens now rather than another two or three years down the roa.. with more time wasted and you further invested. I'm sorry this has happened OP. Be brave.

This just proves how disgustingly selfish affairs are.

after the years of deception YOU feel lied to. YOU feel mislead. How do you think his partner/kids feel?

Building on lies is always risky but I think your partner''s sudden acquisition of a conscience is just an excuse.I think for him the relationship has run its course and he is moving on. Please don't go back to a failed marriage out of fear- it will soon become hell. Are there people in real life you can talk to and get support from? You are stronger than you know, so take a deep breath and start building a new life for yourself and your DC. I wish you all the very best

Do you mean you were "together" for over three years while he was still with his wife? Did she have any idea? I'm not even saying that in a judgemental way as such but I'm amazed you put up with that half-life for such a significant amount of time Sounds like the reality of him leaving his marriage and making the affair "real" may have given him cold feet and he wasn't as invested as you were.

Why would you let someone who is married and cheating with you meet your kids and your family? Am I reading this right?

He's not 'your partner of 4 years'. He's a bloke you've been having an affair with

I think you're reading this right @Vetyveriohohoh
I was reading that for over one year, OP has introduced her partner to her family and friends knowing that he was still living at home with his wife and kids who probably had no idea of anything.

I have a gut feeling that he actually bluffed the whole thing for the last four months and hadn't actually left his marriage. I think he told you he had but he actually hadnt.

Your wondering if he led you up the garden path, you have been having an affair with a married man for 4 years, Id say you went willingly up that path. Sadly it’s not turned out how you’d hoped for and shame on you for allowing him to become embedded into your children and families life when he was still living in his marital home, Harsh but true.
Hold your head high op, live and learn this man does not value you or your family.
He’s going to move into the next women.
Lick your wounds and move on.

Well, yes, you were a bit daft.

If you and he were unhappy in your partnerships you could have left. Then you could have started a relationship. Neither of you did that: he stayed another 3 and 2/3 years, you stayed another 2 and a half years. Did you spend that entire time not having sex with your ex? I'd be very surprised if he could say the same...

He had an affair, he's realised the grass isn't any greener, she's taken him back. Hold up your head, tie a knot and move on. Concentrate on bringing up your children, including to know how to treat people.