Am I right to shun the whole bloody lot of them?

[Daineseturbo]

Hello

Me: early 40’s, super close little family with kids that are my world, ace job, multiple degrees, totally thankful for what I have. And it’s not come easy, worked my backside off.

However, regular issue at home is that my OH doesn’t agree that I don’t interact with my parents or extended family.

Short version: entirety of childhood from first memory onwards was awful, traumatic. Marriages, divorces, lots of step siblings, instability, midnight flits, physical abuse, neglect, abject poverty, and downright selfish behaviour from both parents. Had some psychotherapy a while back and the therapist described it as a “one-in-a-100 case”.

Anyhow... I keep my distance from that entire side of the family... I take a view that not only my parents but grandparents, aunts, uncles - the whole lot were complicit. They saw, they knew what was going on - and they did nothing, other than turn the other cheek for years. Even now, one of my parents refers to it as the “time I don’t like to think about”.

So, am I doing the right thing to keep my distance and ignore the whole bloody lot of them, or should I call them out and give them a few homes truths?

P.s having my own kids has put a whole new lens on how I was treated - hence bubbling back to the surface.

Keep your distance, ignore, and move on. Confronting them will not give you the satisfaction you're looking for. They will lie, deny, and turn it all around on you.

Cast them out of your life and keep them out, and tell your partner to keep his opinions to himself. He didn't live your life, you did.

Your family, your business. Unfortunately, people that haven't experienced chaotic, abusive childhoods sometimes fail to understand the impact, and that they don't know what they don't know. He should be respecting and supporting your choices.

You need to tell your husband that the decision on whether (or not) you interact with your family is exactly that...yours.

My partner (and his parents, particularly his father) tried sticking their noses in and giving opinions about my no contact with my father and his side of the family when we were first together. That was a decade ago, when it had been 20 years since I cut them all off. As I told them all, I was 42, not a child, had had very good reasons for doing so and those reasons and my decision was absolutely NOTHING to do with them. His father still tried to interfere and was an ass about this (and other things)...so I cut him out too. That was about 6 years ago.

The great thing about being an adult is that you get to decide who is/isn't in your life.

Good grief, they're definitely best kept at arm's length. Why is your Oh so desperate that you don't?

Of course you are!!! People who weren't as brave as you (me, for example) are still in therapy for not having cut off toxic people and trying to maintain a "normal" family.

If you did the work and made the decision years ago, he should respect that. What's his issue?

As someone else NC with my parents, and the whole extended family attached to them, i sympathise.

Similar circumstances, and sadly people (parents) dont really change.

After things came to a head 1 particilar arguement 10 years ago, myself and sibling both cut them off, over the space of a few months.

I ended up in therapy because SO many people came along with the "but its your MUM, how could you" opinions and bs and it messed with my head and was wobbling.
The therapist said that my parents clearly didnt add anything positive to my life, and as an adult, i was able to make whatever choice i liked. And to tell others to keep their nose out.

I have since not felt any guilt... they made their beds.