Never been loved

[Welikebeingcosy]

So I've never been loved. I've got a strong pattern of falling for guys who say they can't committ for whatever reason or that they 'are going through so much personal stuff' and then a short while later they'll suddenly be in a committed serious relationship and be besotted with the new girl.
I've never had anyone love me the way they love their serious girlfriends. I even lived with a guy for two years who kept telling me why he couldn't love me and made me abort my pregnancy with him, who then jumped straight into a new relationship quite soon after the dust settled and ended up having a family there.
Please be gentle with me but does anyone have any experience with this and know what this pattern is.
I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong when I'm dating or if there is a different type I should be looking for. Part of me thinks maybe they're a bit broken and insecure when I meet them, and I'm quite an outgoing confident person and then being the one to dump me or treat me like crap, gives them the confidence to open up to another?
They always give me different reasons as to what is wrong with me.
Please please be gentle I've never spoken to anyone about this stuff and it's a very sad topic for me.

You're picking nasty men. And you aren't listening when they tell you who they are.

It's about respect. These men have shown you clearly they have no respect for you. Nor empathy for you. And yet, you've continued to choose them over yourself. Over respecting yourself.

Once you are able to start saying no and getting shot of these cold assed fuckwits the second and I mean the very second, they first show you what they are, you will find that life gets easier. Well that, and once you can be entirely happy in your own company.

Men come and go throughout life. Always. People are never permanent fixtures. They work for you -until they don't. If the relationship starts to fall short of happy, loving and kind at any point, you can and probably should walk away. The only person who's company you need and need to be happy in 24/7 is your own.

There is nothing wrong with you. You just have to start believing that. And getting rid of people who want you to believe otherwise asap in future.

Haha thank you I love the bluntness towards the men. The only thing that confuses me is yes they would seem like nasty men so then why would they be very different towards someone else? That's why it feels like I bring that side out.

Would you have any tips for getting comfortable in my own company?

They probably aren't. You can't see what goes on behind closed doors after all.

Some of them...you might just not have been right for. And the nasty ones...well they delight in not giving you what you want.

Also, chances are they married these new women because they felt that.it might make them easier to hold onto and manipulate in future. Where as you took all the shite without them having to bother. Either that it they realised you had already started to see what they were so a shotgun wedding would be pointless.

It's just tactics. The tactics change depending on who it is they need to manipulate. But in the end, they cant hide who they really are forever.

You've actually had a lucky escape, though it might not feel this way right now.

Its not a man thing btw. It's an asshole thing. Do plenty of reading on how to spot abusers, might help keep you safe from those sorts in future.

There are Mr Rights and Mr Right Nows. I've gone out with both. Maybe he's good in bed and a laugh but you wouldn't have kids with him. Maybe he's a rebound. Maybe he's almost right but not quite.

You're actively making yourself Ms Right Now. The trick is to work out why. Childhood?

You’re not bringing it out in them op. Are you noticing things that make you uncomfortable about a person but still going forward with the relationship and things like that? I’ve done that before and realised my bar was too low and also that I was projecting my good qualities into them thinking they might change or giving the benefit of doubt.

I wish I knew the answer.

Maybe it's your perception, everyone has relationships that don't work out, they move on, they maybe seemingly serious with the next one but you don't know how long that's going to last, women get pregnant by an ex, you don't know if it's planned or not.
What you can do is not wait for men that aren't ready to commit, hoping they'll ever change, dump at first sign of red flags, stick to what you want, give a timescale, if they can't give you the commitment by showing it with actions than talk, end it.

It can be choice of men too, don't go for the player type than brag about how many women are after them, or men that just can't get their life together, they have nothing to offer to anyone long term.

@Welikebeingcosy

Would you have any tips for getting comfortable in my own company?

Hmm..

Spend time in it.
Doing things you enjoy ideally.

Take the time to be single and focus on other things.

And when you go on dates in future, go with the mindset of them having to prove they are worth YOUR time (obviously don't act that way though lol). And always ask yourself 'is this person kind?'. Ask it continuously of anyone in your life in fact. And if the answer comes back 'no' or 'not to me' - run for the bloody hills!

Like, be kind to yourself by removing ppl who arent kind from your life. If that makes sense.

I even lived with a guy for two years who kept telling me why he couldn't love me and made me abort my pregnancy with him

This particular man told you repeatedly how he felt and who he was. Why did you ignore it? I have a feeling you ignore loads of very obvious red flags that many/most women would catch quite quickly and then run for the hills. If so, why do you think this is? What example was set for you about relationships when you were growing up?

I definitely did used to not know what a red flag was. I grew up in a very abusive environment where boys carried knives to school and we had fireworks launched at us in the corridors and i was never safe from being mugged on the way home, so 'escaping' that and then meeting nice well spoken guys with middle class parents felt like an upgrade. I had no idea what red flags looked like in middle class guys for a long time as I only grew up learning to spot the ones in urban or guys from the street. A lot of these relationships I'm talking of were in my early or mid twenties and for some reason I'm being reminded of it all now.
I know it now and havent been in a relationship for two years as I haven't met anyone nice and can spot the red flags in new guys who approach me. I guess I ignored the red flags because they seemed so different from the guys I had to grow up around in the classroom and more like my dad who was absent which inwas probably subconsciously longing for. But for some reason a few of my exes have come back on the scene claiming to have changed (they haven't) and it triggered these feelings back. But also recently my dad came back as well claiming to have changed and he has on the surface but deep down his resentment for me is still there. So it is probably centered around that.