Advice about my heartbroken uncle

[user7593927274859]

Name changed because this could be outing.

Just need to vent about a situation really.
My auntie recently left my uncle after many years together. They don't have children and she was my uncle's whole world- he adored her and was devastated.

She has never really been open about her reasons for leaving- that's her decision and right and she's not obligated to tell anyone I suppose. But her husband (and the rest of the family) don't know why she ended things which has left an atmosphere of frustration and confusion, and in my uncles case, denial.

She's met someone else and has been living in her own place for a while. Everyone knows about her new guy now and whilst it's been difficult as my uncle has been so sad, we've tried to be pleased for her that she's found happiness. There's been no drama, everyone likes her and wouldn't want to take sides. So I thought that would be that I guess, let's all move on.

However, she is still contacting my uncle to ask for help with various things that she doesn't know how to do (as he would have taken care of these things previously). For context it's things like how to set up the internet, how to get a new boiler sorted, where to go for advice about pension etc. Each time she does he gets his hopes up she may still need him.

It just makes me so sad for him as he's trying to move on. I also feel a bit cross as I feel like she trying to have her cake and eat it.

It's none of my business really apart from my uncle being family. But I can't vent my feelings directly to family as tensions are already running high and I don't want to fuel the fire. Just wanted to put it down here and see what people thought. Should I say something to him/her or just keep my nose out.

You are correct it is none of your business and you need to keep your nose out.

I am interested in how YOU know all of this stuff? Is your uncle sharing this with you?

If so that’s v highly inappropriate of him.

Or are other family members gossiping?

What’s going on with you emotionally that you feel responsible or obliged to get involved in this?

Are your extended family very enmeshed?

Have they any boundaries? Were you cast in a care-taker role?

You could support your uncle in helping him understand it is ok to say "No" to helping her. She is no longer part of his world, part of his life and in order for him to move on in any way shape or form, she doesn't get to call on him for help. She is keeping him on a leash and that is so unfair to him. I sympathise with you and with him but he has to sever ties with this woman and tell her this so that he has the chance of happiness elsewhere.

She’s got a cheek hasn’t she? But you’re probably better off staying out of it.

Encourage him to date again, by all means (a new partner would soon put a stop to this) but otherwise I wouldn’t get involved

As he is the one who is clearly in pain and ultimately delaying his recovery, then I think it is a kindness to support him.
Is it not more than likely that your Aunt was having an affair - which is why she won't want to give an explanation- it's kinda obvious really!
She is being very unfair if she knows she has hurt your uncle. It is very selfish - but perhaps she is?
Of course people might say it's not your business- but offering support or advice is very different to 'getting involved'. I hope you can help him to see that he needs to move on. Good luck OP

Stay out of it.

He's an adult who needs to say to her We're not together anymore, so you'll need to deal with that yourself. If he wants to.

The dynamics of their relationship are up to them to deal with.

It’s very likely that your uncle does know exactly why your aunt left. It’s actually nobody else’s business though. She doesn’t owe you or the rest of your family an explanation, your post implies that you feel she does.

Perhaps her enquiries about stuff that most people could quite easily find out by themselves is her being selfish and unfair, perhaps it’s a learned helplessness, perhaps your uncle has been so controlling in their relationship she simply doesn’t yet think she can do anything without running it past him first.

Just stay out of it.

I think she’s being selfish but telling your uncle that will probably rebound on you .He will tell her because that’s what besotted people do and if they ever did get back together your name would be mud .

My guess is your aunt is not as lovely as you all thought. Surely she was having a fair snd your uncle is pick-me dancing. I would absolutely talk to him and tell him it is not your place but you want to help support him snd help him move into the next chapter of Llewelyn. I think it is great that you care and want to help him.

@Sssloou

You are correct it is none of your business and you need to keep your nose out.

I am interested in how YOU know all of this stuff? Is your uncle sharing this with you?

If so that’s v highly inappropriate of him.

Or are other family members gossiping?

What’s going on with you emotionally that you feel responsible or obliged to get involved in this?

Are your extended family very enmeshed?

Have they any boundaries? Were you cast in a care-taker role?

This

It's very odd to be so invested in an aunt/uncle relationship

@catherineofarrogance80 perhaps some families are actually close It's her uncle, not a far distant relative! If she's in an extended family that's even somewhat close, then of course they'll all be affected by this situation and it's human nature as an empathetic person to care about a family member who's clearly emotionally suffering due to his marriage breakdown situation that's changed dynamics hugely.
I've noticed British people (i am myself) tend to have colder/more distant bonds with their own family, which is very different from many other cultures, so your surprise may be a cultural thing.

[quote LivBa]@catherineofarrogance80 perhaps some families are actually close It's her uncle, not a far distant relative! If she's in an extended family that's even somewhat close, then of course they'll all be affected by this situation and it's human nature as an empathetic person to care about a family member who's clearly emotionally suffering due to his marriage breakdown situation that's changed dynamics hugely.
I've noticed British people (i am myself) tend to have colder/more distant bonds with their own family, which is very different from many other cultures, so your surprise may be a cultural thing.[/quote]
Of course families should provide comfort and support to each other when appropriate and requested.

However from what the OP says:

But I can't vent my feelings directly to family as tensions are already running high and I don't want to fuel the fire.

This extended family of I assume middle aged adults sounds v high conflict, unboundaried, toxic and enmeshed. IMHO it’s only in this context that a niece would even think it’s even normal to get involved between a divorced couple. I suspect that she has been whipped up by listening to the volatile family and very much doubt the uncle has sought her advice.

Stay out of it, but do kindly advise your uncle to say no when she makes these requests. She's entitled to move on but you can't have your cake and eat it!

He needs to tell her to fuck off.

I mean she’s devastated his life without even telling him what happened and she is still using him as help.

You all sound a bit too polite!

Thanks for all your advice, it's really helpful to see it from all your different points of view which is precisely why I posted. Sometimes you can get too wrapped up in things and I think I have been. I particularly liked the comment from pp who suggested it's a learned helplessness, think that's possibly very insightful and could be correct

How long after she left did your aunt find somebody else?