My friend, I'll call her Molly, has been seeing someone for about 18 months but I'm worried as shes being more and more withdrawn. She's told me some things about their relationship and I'm thinking there are so many red flags, but she excuses all of them. I'll list some of the scenarios below, but how can I help her? I am only sticking my beak in because I'm so concerned for her and how she seems to be disapperaing into herself and want to help her without being over opinionated or domineering.
For background, Molly was single for about 3 years following the breakdown of her marriage of 20 years. Didn't date or look in those 3 years and she met this new person by chance through a friend of a friend.
Right at beginning he was very full on. Multiple texts everyday, wanting to meetup everyday. Telling her how beautiful she is, how he has never met anyone like her. But he would chase texts if she didn't answer straight away.
Molly thinks he was being lovely and just really likes her
Told her he had last been in a brief (2 month) relationship 4 years ago, which finished. His marriage ended 10 years before and he had had another 3 year relationship after marriage ended.
Turns out a few months in she found out marriage ended because he cheated. He ended 3 year relationship becuse she didn't want as much sex. But they then got back together and that then ended 2 weeks before he met my friend!
Molly thinks he didn't tell her because he thought she would be put off. She says he swears he never liked the woman he got back together with and they argued all the time. They didn't live together
One morning after he had stayed the night at Mollys he left his phone there when he left for work. He rang her and asked her to look something up on it for her and gave her the passcode. She did but also she saw a message come in from a woman called 'Louise'. It was a simple message saying hows your day with an x at the end. She didn't know who it was so opened the phone and saw a string of text messages between this Louise and her dp going back about 3 years. It was obvious from the messages he was pursuing her to a degree, nothing too sexual, but things like I love you, Want to meet up, Want to meet for lunch etc, some joky stuff but clearly they had been in a relationship at some point. Also one message had been sent to Louise she noticed the same night Molly and him had had their first kiss, obviously sent right after she had left his.
She called him and asked who Louise was. She said he went quiet and said an old friend. She told him a message had arrived from her and she had looked at it (he had previously told her she can look at his phone whenever she wants, which she found odd, but ok) and had seen messages on there which showed perhaps they were more than just friends. He then said ' oh but I deleted them all'. Turns out he had deleted whatsapp message conversation, but had forgotten the text messages and he admitted he had been whatsapping Louise but said he stopped and deleted them when he realised it was wrong. She was the GF from the apparant 2 month relationship he had mentioned.
He told her in the very early days he wants to fuck her arse and to pee on her. she told him that was never going to happen and he said ok thats fine but she says he often brings up that he'd like to fuck her arse.
The reason he gives to her is because he says that it is very pleasureable for the woman and he wants to give her that experience. Yuk.
She is considering it!
Early days of relationship Molly was not allowed to park at his house. She would park elsewhere and he would pick her up from her car. Reason he gave was because he didn't want his neighbours to know as he is a private person, until he was ready.
She accepted this.
His adult children refuse to acknowledge her. At all. Or meet her. He cannot give an actual reason except that he thinks they are still sad he and their mum split up. (they are in their 30's)
He gambled money and ended up losing 1000 pounds. She found out as he left his gambling app open (she knew he gambled occasionally) and he lied to her face that he hadn't gambled until she said she had seen the app and then he said he lied because he didn't want her to think bad of him.
He hates her going out without him. To the point where pre lockdown she met with friends and he turned up. He turns up to any work do's she has too.
She heard from a collegue of his he is quite flirty at work. Sometimes says inappropriate things as jokes. Very recntly she was taking some photos off his phone from a day oout they had and she saw a video he had accidently done in the office where she hears him joking with a woman about her liking a bit of meat every now and then (afte she had said she was vegan) His tone was that of joking around but clear what the connotation was.
He gets angry with her for very little reason. Has told her to fuck off before now when shes disagreed with him.
About 3 months in he told her he wanted to marry her. And they chose a ring together. He still hasn't asked her but she gets excited thinking of when/how he might. Personally I think he has no intention of asking her and its a carrot.
He doesn't like her kids I don't think. But says he wants to live together. But I know he doesn't like them because I see the way he talks to them and its not the tone of someone who cares about them.
These are just the things she has told me. She is so caring and sweet and I just think these things are too many and hes a lying bastard. But she says she loves him, so should I actually get involved? I can't bear too see her get hurt and I know he often makes her cry over silly things because he can be very abrupt and sometimes doesn't talk to her very nicely.
Should I just keep my nose out and pick the pieces if and when it happens (it will, he lies all the time from what I can fathom) Or can I gently get the message across to her that these are too many things for them to all be explained away as him being a bit daft?