6 months ago I met "tom". He wasn't the best looking and clearly was older than me. But the way he spoke to me and said good morning made me feel special. He was polite but would also joke about with me which felt like the perfect balance.
I added tom on Facebook. He messaged me as soon as he had added me. Within the hour he had told me how beautiful I was. How much he liked me. I told him I had liked him too.
I fully expected tom to get bored within a week or two. He was 47 and I was 32. Although I also hoped he would be keen to keep me. He was intense in that first week. Lots of flirting. Compliments. Constant contact. But on the first weekend his brought up his ex "Jane". Jane was the girl in alot of his photos. She was ten years younger. Attractive and they looked happy. They apparently had turned into brother and sister and fizzled out. But Jane still visited him often. He jokingly asked me if I was jealous. Red flag number one.
I was put off at this stage and that night I couldn't sleep. Only for him to charm his way back in the next day. A few more days on we had our first meet. We sat in his garden for 3 hours talking. He brought up lots of things about his past. He was an ex drinker. Depressed. He also brought up a women he had a brief fling with after Jane. He told me she stalked him still and would say she loved him. This women Anna was brought up on and off throughout our time together. She was always "stalking" and he was always "blocking her" red flag number two.
As time went on he loved me fast. He sent me gifts. He started telling me when he had no money left and it wasn't quite pay day. At first he declined my offer of £30 here and there for a couple of days. But then he greatfully borrowed £100 here and £50 there. To be fair he paid it back within a few days on pay day. But I trusted him and felt like his reasons were genuine.
I was starting to feel things in my gut. Women suddenly being removed from his Facebook. No relationship with his mum and dad. No relationship with his sister's. Still had his ex's photos in his house up on the walls. Still mentioned his ex most weeks. Sometimes for good memories. Sometimes for a rant about her. Why was he still so invested in her after 2 years? I started looking in her Facebook. It was bothering me. As I scrolled I found him saying the same things to her and the same pet names. I noticed she went out and away without him alot. I noticed she also hasn't had any relationships in the last two years either. She still had old profile photos of them on there. I tried to forget it. But he started mentioning she had expressed regret and was hinting at trying again. My heart sank. But he insisted she was a friend and he would never go back there. He took her photos down. Put them back up. Continued called Anna a stalker every now and then. He'd mention that she had been in touch (I thought she was blocked)
Along with all this drama with his ex's. He started putting me down. He still told me I was gorgeous. I was beautiful. He loved me for this and that. But comments about my hair began. Did he want me more like Jane? He sent me nail varnish. The same colour his ex had on some of his photos. Then he said he wanted me to tan (I'm pale and can't) his ex tanned. He then started asking me about my sahm status. Putting mums down who stay home. Making me feel like I was sad for not working. But then he would chip away at me further by saying he wanted to make me confident as he said I was lacking (I wonder why)
As time went on I on three occasions was on the end of him shouting down the phone and ending it. He swore and got real mad. All I had asked was if he wanted some time to himself. He was constantly in touch with me. Phoning. Texting. Not many hours went without contact. I asked him if he wanted my children in his life eventually. He got angry because I had asked before. He shut me down and gave me the silent treatment.
At this stage I was done. I was put off. He was a stroppy selfish man who seemed to be allowed to whinge and moan about his problems but I was expected to just be happy and positive. He sucked me back in one last time in January. He barked what he wanted me to stop saying then we started again. In that six weeks I felt like we got closer and closer. Regretful now but we started sending graphic photos to eachother. I told him alot of personal things. We were getting to a really good place it felt. Then he added Amie onto his Facebook. Amie was new. Never mentioned before and he started liking all her photos. She was clearly my age. I couldn't see any connection. So I calmly asked who she was as I noticed he was liking her photos in the night. He deleted her straight away and told me I was the only women he had time for. I was confused. Who was she then? Why the fast delete? The next day he sent me a sexy outfit to wear that was the same colour and style as the one she was wearing in her photo. I felt sick. Then he started saying he had a secretary fantasy. She was one and wore the thick framed glasses etc. He started sending me outfits with women wearing those glasses to look at. I felt sick again. He always claimed he hated tacky costumes in the bedroom. I called him. I didn't get my first sentence out about Amie before he dumped me. Called me insecure. Said I had done him and he was done. My heart was racing as he hug up. I went to a friend's for a coffee and poured it all out.
When I got home I decided I needed answers and he wouldn't give me them. So I contacted Anna. It turned out Anna wasn't a stalker. She had left her husband for Tom. She had been well and truly played by Tom for the last two years. He was picking her up and dropping her and in constant contact when he was. He was telling her he loved her and would be with her soon. She had never heard of me. She told me how Jane had been in touch with her two years ago when she was supposed to have been in a relationship with tom. He was still trying to make things with Jane work whilst faking s future with Anna. Both women kept in touch and swapped stories. But both women are still in his life now.
It's obvious that he is obsessed with Jane still. Yet he spent years cheating on Jane. She's still the women he can't get over (hence the photos) but he is still chasing other women whilst being in love with Jane before.
After speaking with Anna this last week. We've both noticed he's put us down to be more like Jane. He was playing us both the same and using us. He's since paid me my money he owed back but refused to thank me.
It's been two weeks today and I still can't believe someone as smart as me (usually) was sucked in so easily. So I just want to share my story (a very brief version there's alot more) to warn other women.
If they love bomb you. Fall in love fast. Send you gifts and make you feel like you was the first women they've ever loved like this. If they call you their soulmate etc. Don't fall for it. Please don't.
If theirs an ex lurking in the background. Walk away. Whilst he still has photos of his ex up he's not over her and whilst he's still in regular contact he's not over her. You will never fill her shoes so don't try.
If he starts trying to change you. Run!! It can be really subtle. For me he preferred my hair up and I mostly had it down. He also wanted Anna to have nails like Jane. If a man wants you to change your appearance when you are barely even his date run away.
If you notice there's always a women drama with him and he plays victim. Run. Nobody gets harrased like that. He was always stalked by crazy women. There was more than one story! It will be him. They turn into crazy women when they catch him out or don't take the sudden contact cut well. He got his cousin to tell one of his stalkers off because he had broken her heart and she kept calling. (Don't ever call them) just ignore them.
The last two weeks I've been up and down. Sad, angry, embarassed, confused. But I got out before he got worse! I could have put my children in that man's life. I didn't see what was happening at first. Then my gut was screaming at me.
I hope this post helps one other women walk away from a player in disguise. The smartest women can be sucked in and it's an awful place to be. I've been so anxious the last few months. Up and down. I've never experienced anything like it. Now I realise he had made me obsessed with him and he was 24/7 my priority.
Toxic men are very hard to spot at first and I learned the hard way.