Last week I confessed on here that I couldn't stop thinking about 'this guy'. It has gone on for 5 or so years now and I haven't seen him in over 3 years. He was my ex-manager. At first I believe we both had a 'frisson' but I was newly married and he had a gf, I got scared, I put on loads of weight and became standoffish towards him, then I had to get a new job because we avoided each other. At the end, he couldn't look me in the eye, I knew I had to go. On my last day he didn't show up to say bye then I found out he left his gf and got a new one.
Meanwhile in my marriage, I realised that I'd not been that happy. We don't have much of a sex life. In fact, we've barely had penetrative at all in 16 years due to DH's issues. He's been to the GP's for this and has some pills but he finds it awkward and I don't enjoy it, it's all very fiddly. He's very self-conscious and shy and really does find this aspect of life difficult. He's also a bit monotonal, not excitable and I really have to push him to do things, but he does have social anxiety and self-esteem issues which account for this, he just won't do anything about them.
I think my subconscious delved into this world where this guy became a hybrid of the husband I wanted. I'd fantasise, not just about sex but enjoying myself on days and nights out with him etc. I got it bad, so much so it's created a feeling I feel I can't live without. I feel giddy, womanly and powerful. I managed to lose weight with this feeling, it motivates me.
But I know it's not healthy & it's certainly not fair on my DH who knows nothing about the extent to which my feelings are, I can't hurt him, but at the same time I can't lie to myself that things need to change in my life. I love my DH but I feel I've grown whereas he's remained stagnant. But he's lovely, very chivalrous and he'd do anything for me.
I spoke to a counsellor on Friday and he told me that what I feel is normal and that we're allowed to look the other way and feel animalistic. Well it certainly doesn't feel normal, I feel like a crazy woman! He also told me I need to evaluate my life and think about what I want. I don't know what life would be like without my DH though, we're so much a part of each other's lives & I know it'd really, really hurt him and send him to despair. I am his life.
This guy is dead meat but what he's left me with are these feelings that keep me going every day and inspire me to great extents.
Current and ex-limerents - how do we cope?