Coercive control. This is what it was, right?

[radiateforme]

I've listened to so many podcasts on coercive control. I know I was in an abusive relationship, however am struggling with what actually happened. Things started off OK but slowly his nasty side came out. Things such as me asking him to wind the window up in the car because it was - 4 outside, and he'd wind it up, then open my window fully putting the child lock on so I couldn't wind it up. I think it was because I'd dared to ask him to do something. I just had to sit there freezing. He used to put me down all the time, inspected me for stretch marks when I was pregnant. Bought me bio oil and watched me put it on. Made comments about my boobs being lopsided when I was breastfeeding. He'd have sex with me even when I'd said no. I didn't fight it very hard but I'd just lay there and sometimes cry throughout (but only when he couldn't see me). He was like a ticking time bomb. Angered by the tiniest little thing. He'd punch walls, smashed my favourite mug in the sink when I got a stain on his favourite shirt, he'd go silent on me for days, just ignoring me. It was awful. Sometimes I had absolutely no idea what I had done. This is just a tiny, tiny number of the things he used to do.

I've had counselling, I'm on medication, I've fled 200 miles and have a restraining order. Why do I still not understand what happened?

I'm currently doing a 'safe' course with a domestic abuse worker and she's told me I have to really try and stop wondering why, or how it happened. We will never get an answer as to why they did it and how we found ourselves where we did. We can't begin to understand how their mind ticks and why they treated us like it because we aren't like them. We are nice, caring, compassionate people whos brains are wired differently to them. Please PM me if you want to talk xxxxx

Ps well done on getting out, I hope you're proud of yourself xx

I'm so sorry for what you've been through. It's a clique but time does help. I was euphoric for about a year after I left my abusive ex, I was so relieved to be free, then it hit me and I had a breakdown. Our minds protect us until we're ready to deal with and process what we went through. I'm 4 years post separation and it's still hard, trauma takes years to recover from. In a psychologically abusive relationship you are turned inside out as a person, on my recovery course from women's aid they asked what we felt our greatest loss was and I said myself. It helps to talk to others who've been through similar, unless you've experienced DV you can't really understand. Give yourself time and love. 💐

I could have written this. I escaped over 10 years ago now but have only recently realised how abusive he was, that having sex when you don't want it and are crying is rape and how much enduring this kind of treatment for years has affected me. I'm planning on having some counselling once lockdown eases (can't deal with doing it on zoom or over the phone). I'd advise you do the same and also look into the freedom programme that will prevent you for falling into this kind of relationship again.
You deserve every happiness in your future, don't let him define the rest of your life.

Yes, it was abusive. Absolutely one hundred percent.

I got told so many times that I was causing all the problems. I knew I hadn't. But still part of you becomes obsessed with getting things right to avoid the outbursts. It does get into your conscious. You try so hard to be perfect and then you kick yourself afterwards for not being so, and feel responsible for his tantrums.

It's almost impossible to maintain a healthy sense of yourself in those circumstances.

I'm currently struggling at the moment too. I still find myself running things over in my head, thinking if I hadn't done this or that. It's automatic for now.

But there's no way you deserved to be treated like that. It was cruel. Very cruel xx

More like just flat out abuse of every kind.
Horrendous man. So glad you're free and safe!