DH always knows better....

[Wannahide]

The longer we're married, the more I seem to doubt my decisions. DH isn't outwardly controlling at all, but he always has a bloody fixed opinion.

Like today. We have young DCs and I also have a chronic condition. I work part-time too as a Primary school teacher. So the days I'm at home with DCs, I don't like to cram in too much (I also have to take eldest DC to school and back.)

I'd planned on taking DC2 out during the day today but woke feeling exhausted after an awful night's sleep. I'll still have to take DC1 to school and DH has the car which means pushing DC2 there and back (1 mile each way) on a slope in his pushchair.

I told him when I woke that I was feeling shitty so thought I'd stay at home and he was all "oh you'll feel much better if you get out. You'll manage his behaviour better if you're not stuck in the house (terrible 2s). You Definitely (over-emphasised) need to get out.

I get his sentiment, but this is all the time. He knows better what I should or shouldntbe doing and I'm finding it really infuriating. It's getting to a point where I'll doubt my own decisions because he comes in like a sledge hammer telling me what he thinks I should do/think/feel. He means well, but it's suffocating.

I have a phobia of flying and he was trying to un-do my fear at the weekend, reading out all these statistics etc. And of course, I know all of what he's saying, I know the fear is unreasonable, but he wouldn't let it go. He knows I've made an appointment to see a therapist to help me sort this phobia out but he won't let it be.

If I fall out with a friend over something that has bothered me he's always quick to say I'm overreacting etc (fell out with 2 in 10 years so hardly like I'm falling out with everyone).

Each time he hammers in his opinions in such a self-assured way, I can feel myself maddening more and more. I don't even ask for his opinions.

I feel your pain as it’s hard to have an opinionated partner. Have you tried telling him that although you value and appreciate his opinion sometimes if you want his opinion you will ask by saying “what do you think?” otherwise sometimes you just need him to be a good listener? I think it’s hard for very opinionated people to also be good listeners but what about telling him about active listening? There are videos and podcasts that help you become a better active listener and it’s not about stifling your opinion it’s just about being a better at listening and knowing when to give your opinion.
I understand how you feel because from what you said his opinion is always the opposite or negative to what you said and it seems like he isn’t supporting your viewpoints, for example you said: “I’m scared of flying” and he said well you shouldn’t be it’s safe because xyz rather than being understanding of your fear. I don’t know how you combat this but wanted to tell you that you are not alone. My DH does this also and when I have an argument with a anyone he always takes their side also and thinks it must have been me that’s done something. I kind of feel that he doesn’t hold me or my opinions in high regard which is why he does this and maybe it is a form of control or at least making him feel like he’s better than me in some way, like his thoughts matter more. I don’t know, all I know is that it’s draining!

It sounds like he doesn’t respect your opinion or your ability to make decisions for yourself. Do you usually go along with his suggestion? Make it clear that you’re not going to do what he says and tell him thanks but you didn’t want advice. Don’t put up with it

It's really not that he has a fixed opinion, it's that he WANTS you to feel suffocated.

You say one thing, he will say the opposite. You want something, he will discourage you from getting it (unless he benefits from it). You need space...haha yeah that wont be happening. Not if he can help it.

His 'opinions' are actually him just trying to drive you crazy. It's deliberate.

Get out. Run!

In his mind he thinks he's "helping."
We've spoken about this a lot (I find his decisiveness quite restrictive a lot of the time as he doesn't consider the bigger picture or see other possibilities) and also in other ways he can be terribly indecisive... when it comes to making decisions for himself!! Yet he knows what I should be doing apparently.

He says "I can't help it" as if it's an in-built involuntary reflex to be so fixed mindset all the time.

He also says he '"can't help" see opposite points of view to mine as he "likes to consider the other side" I just find it persistently contradictive and tiring. He loves a debate. I hate it.

OP he does not think he is helping. It isnt him that has to realise anything, its you.

You need to realise he enjoys fucking with your head. Its standard narcissist territory to annoy, gaslight, pester and create arguments. He knows what he is doing and he enjoys doing it.

He sounds like my late father who was very opinionated and argumentative with it which was wearing. We were on eggshells most of the time so that we didn't 'set him off'. Do you want to live the rest of your life like this?

The low level misery that my mum put up with ground her down. Please don't be bullied the same way.

I agree with @Wanderlusto

Ex was like this. Utterly ground me down.
I stayed far too long in that marriage, and still doubt and second guess myself constantly. The mental strain is immense as you're always arguing against them and defending your decisions, you're left feeling a shell of yourself. No marriage is worth this.

Yup, they try to steal you from you. They'll leave you an empty husk of who you are if you stay. There will never be restbite, let alone compassion. Their goal is to ground you down. And the sooner you realise that, the sooner you realise he is not normal and doesn't want good things for you, the sooner you can escape. Hopefully still with your sanity intact.

Don't fall for that "seeing the other side" bullshit. He is beating you down, gaslighting, controlling, and deriding you on purpose. He enjoys it and it makes him feel better about himself to make you feel stupid and small.

Fuck that and fuck him. Stop allowing him to treat you this way.

He's just like my father.

I said to him not long ago that it must be awful being him, he didn't understand why. I just told him "you must be permanently exhausted, because for as long as I've known you, you've been an expert on every subject known to man". The penny dropped, not that it'll make any difference.

Just ask him what it feels like to be an expert on everything in the world. It may just shut him up.

It sounds exhausting and wearing. I know a lot of people like this (mostly men tbh). Even at the least damaging end, it's like talking to a life coach rather than a mate or equal.