Sad unfulfilled marriage (new baby)

[baggyjeans]

I’m so unhappy in my marriage and tbh if we didn’t have my son who’s 6 months old I would leave.

He works 6 days a week, Sunday he just wants to watch football and not do nothing as a family. He now wants to play football every Sunday the only day we would have to do anything if planned.

We eat separately, never watch a movie together or sit and cuddle on the sofa and most of the time I’m upstairs with baby as he’s watching football until he falls asleep on the sofa. We never talk or really connect just general day to day pleasantries. He spends an hour with our son whilst I run around washing and cleaning early evening then hands him back to me. I’m so miserable. But I’m now financially dependent on him as I lost my business due to Covid and the plan was being a stay at home mum until our son reaches 3. I won’t be better off without him but don’t know how much longer I can live like this for.

That is so sad. Does he know how unhappy you are?

Can you move in with parents?

How long have you been unhappy for? Is it just since your baby has arrived?

I know it's a cliche, but adding a baby into the mix is like a bomb going off in your relationship. I didn't really believe it before, but with a 7 month old I do now.

I knew there were cracks in our relationship - niggles and incompatibilities, but I had no idea how wide they would become once we had our son. I'm trusting that once the hardest days of child rearing are over I will cherish my husband again. I still love him and am committed, but I'm annoyed with him 85% of the time.

Consider whether this is terminal, or whether once you're through these hardest times things will feel better. Have you tried to carve out time the two of you together? Does he seem interested? My H often gives me space because he knows how hard I'm working looking after our son, but I'd actually love some time with him sometimes and it feels like he doesn't want to - it's so easy to drift apart.

Sending - these early baby months are fucking relentless, even without the stress of a global pandemic

Btw, I'm not digesting this is your responsibility alone to fix (if you think it's worth fixing). It sounds like your H has a lot of stepping up to do, and serious chats are needed

*suggesting (not digesting)

I wonder if he's happy. I think some men are with this set up. Those types don't really have complex emotional needs, which is good for them and their partner in some ways, but bad in others. They are just happy to plod along, embracing their role as a provider by working, and it also gives them a useful excuse and break to be out of the house. I wonder if he's the type to be happy to come home after work and have a nice lady to cuddle and have sex with in bed, if needed. He has a bit of companionship at dinnertime but us quite happy to be alone most of the time. I really don't know why a man like that would bother having children. Their kids grow up seeing their live-in father as a distant, uninterested figure whilst their wives feel lonely, neglected and often used.

Does he want or have to work 6 days a week?

Do note what @4amWitchingHour says. The first year of a new baby puts a huge strain on even good relationships. My DH and I were probably annoyed with each other about 85% of the time, too. We got through it.

Your H simply cannot go out the whole time. His hobbies have to take a back seat in the early years. That’s how it works.

Have you talked to him about this? You and he have brought a baby into your relationship so, tough as it is, you do both need to speak to each other and try and sort out a better way of being.

@4amWitchingHour Yes I know these early months / years do put a strain on relationships that’s what’s kept me going so far. But after having a tough day yet again with my little one I don’t have anyone to destress with and just give me a hug and tell me it’s ok. His response was “Well someone people have 3 kids, how do you think they manage?” 😡 He’s never even had to get up with our son in the night never once had an uninterrupted sleep I do it all alone. I don’t think he cares if I’m ok he just wants a happy wife to come home to so would rather I just say everything is fine.

Oh I'm sorry

What was your response to what he said? I know you may not feel like it, but he needs to hear some home truths from you, such as "Well their partners actually do some parenting". I've got way more blunt with my husband, as I don't have the energy to pussyfoot around. He's not as bad as yours, but the bluntness helps as I'm not often like that so he takes it seriously straight away.

If you were single you'd get people around you to help out - family and friends, even in pandemic times. A shit partner is more of a millstone as you end up having to clear up more mess and are permanently disappointed.

Are you able to talk to him about this? Can you write down all the things you want to say? (Including that you think it'd be easier if you were single if that's the case). He needs a wake up call.