Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

SC's mum and alcohol, how best to help?

24 replies

whatkindofmess · 22/03/2021 19:57

Have NC for this as don't want to risk outing, for SC's sake.

SC is 16. A few weeks ago they told their dad (my DH) that their mum is drinking. DH knew that his ex drank when they were together, but she left him (taking SC) 14 years ago. Since then he has seen as much of SC as possible so SC has grown up close to both mum and dad. He did not think that his ex still had a problem with alcohol - she managed to hold down a job and bring up a child. SC is a fantastic person, very bright, thoughtful, kind and perceptive. Relations between DH and his ex haven't been great, but I don't know ex at all well and I've tried to keep open minded (and done a lot of deep breaths) since DH and I got together 9 years ago.

So here's the thing - we've known for a while that SC has some problems with anxiety and other MH issues. Recently they thought about coming to live with us (we have 3 kids together) but decided not to in the end. A lot of things have fallen into place now they've finally told us that mum drinks and does the typical alcoholic thing of having a go at her kid when she's drunk, then apologising when she's sober. SC obviously loves mum and some of SC's more strange behaviour makes sense now we know the really upsetting position they are in.

What I don't know is what we can do now? How do you help the child of an alcoholic understand that it's not their fault? I care so much for SC and want to help them grow into an adult who is free to make their own choices and doesn't feel responsible for a mum who is ill in this way. But I've no idea what to do or say.

OP posts:

HopeClearwater · 22/03/2021 20:05

Look up NACOA and Alateen
Hopefully someone else will be along shortly to give more advice.
You sound lovely btw. Your SC is lucky to have you.

Original poster

whatkindofmess · 22/03/2021 20:50

Thanks @HopeClearwater NACOA especially looks really useful. It's so hard to think of a way to talk about this without seeming like we're trying to do mum down

OP posts:

BustyDusty · 22/03/2021 23:40

Why did she leave your DH?

Mrbob · 22/03/2021 23:42

@BustyDusty

Why did she leave your DH?

Why does this make ANY difference? Just provide a safe space for them where they can talk and make it clear your door is always open.

BustyDusty · 23/03/2021 00:18

Because it may have relevance.

BustyDusty · 23/03/2021 00:23

If he knew that when his wife left him with their two year old child she was an 'alcoholic' why did he not seek custody

BustyDusty · 23/03/2021 00:28

Maybe he could not have proved it. Maybe she wasn't. Maybe he could not be bothered to raise a toddler full-time. Maybe he had other proclivities that drove his wife to seek bubbles. Maybe maybe maybe. I am uncomfortable with the idea that the OP 'doesn't want to do the mum down.' Because she just has. Whoever that mum is.

BustyDusty · 23/03/2021 00:33

In addition, anyone who writes something so condescending and witless as 'so here's the thing'

needs shooting.

AlexaShutUp · 23/03/2021 00:38

Has the OP touched a nerve @BustyDusty? Your reaction is really odd.

BustyDusty · 23/03/2021 01:17

You don't know me. I don't know you. Not bothered.

BustyDusty · 23/03/2021 01:19

Night shift starts at 5am so must sleep.

BustyDusty · 23/03/2021 01:33

I'm awake!

Mintjulia · 23/03/2021 01:46

The sd's mum has successfully raised a kind funny perceptive child so she's doing quite a few things right.

Unless sd specifically asks for help, I'd stick to generally being kind and supportive while she is with her dad, and leave it at that.

She is old enough that if she needs specific help, she will communicate that to her dad. If you cast aspersions against a mum that she loves, you are likely to alienate her.

gutful · 23/03/2021 02:16

I think you should tread carefully & be wary about inserting yourself into this situation.

You should let your partner take the lead here & if your SC wants to come live with you they can.

If the mum is holding down her job etc it sounds like she is a functional acoholic, so the image of the house being in disarray & her unwashed for days in her own filth may not be the case.

If she hasn't had any legal issues due to drinking then she may be drinking too much, but hasn't spiralled to the bottom of the drain

But while it's good to offer support YOU can't do anything, nor should you. You should let the parents manage this. Just be there as you have always for SC

gutful · 23/03/2021 02:18

And yes I also sense a condescending tone in the OP's voice too

gutful · 23/03/2021 02:20

"voice" - writing

SeaShoreGalore · 23/03/2021 02:24

I agree that this isn’t your problem. You can be kind and supportive - but it’s your husband who should be online asking parenting forums how to deal with this (of course he might well be doing that, we don’t know).

Redruby2020 · 23/03/2021 09:30

@BustyDusty

If he knew that when his wife left him with their two year old child she was an 'alcoholic' why did he not seek custody

Yes I was thinking that.

Redruby2020 · 23/03/2021 09:32

@gutful

I think you should tread carefully & be wary about inserting yourself into this situation.

You should let your partner take the lead here & if your SC wants to come live with you they can.

If the mum is holding down her job etc it sounds like she is a functional acoholic, so the image of the house being in disarray & her unwashed for days in her own filth may not be the case.

If she hasn't had any legal issues due to drinking then she may be drinking too much, but hasn't spiralled to the bottom of the drain

But while it's good to offer support YOU can't do anything, nor should you. You should let the parents manage this. Just be there as you have always for SC

Functional might sound good or acceptable even, it is not when you grow up with it/live with it. It has an affect most days on home/family life.

Tippytappytoes · 23/03/2021 09:43

As the child of an alcoholic mum I would encourage that Dad to get them additional support both counselling and with school. Don’t under estimate the long term damage a parent with alcohol addiction can do to a child. Damage I still have in my 40’s. Regardless of what caused their mums problems with alcohol, they shouldn’t have to pay the price to protect her feelings. Addicts are manipulative by nature, add that to a child’s need to please their parents, they should not be left to make the decisions in this situation.

Tippytappytoes · 23/03/2021 09:47

And my mum was a functional alcoholic. I got fed and taken to school. But I also had to take in the emotional burden of an adult, leaving me to shutdown my own emotional needs.

Original poster

whatkindofmess · 23/03/2021 12:06

Wow! SC has reached out, I have known (and loved) them for 9 years and I want to know how best I can help. Maybe by staying out of it, yes. But... maybe they reached out because they want help and support? Thanks v much to the posters who have shared actual pointers and experiences.

And to everyone going back 14 years and asking why she left DH - how on earth is that relevant now? I could tell you what he's told me, which doesn't reflect well on his ex, but that's only one side, and I wasn't there. Of course she wasn't an alcoholic then, he knew she sometimes drank too much. He saw his child all the time, kept as close an eye as he could. Why would he have been granted full custody just because the child's mum sometimes drank too much? He chose instead to see as much of his child as he could without aggressively alienating their mum, and that turns out to have mostly worked pretty well for the child.

I know this is a public forum etc etc but I asked for help and suggestions! The personal abuse because I care about my SC is a bit below the belt. I'm not the one screaming abuse at them on a regular basis, and I really mind that it's happening to them at all, especially when it's one of their own parents who should be taking care of them who is doing it

As for her being a functioning alcoholic so at least she doesn't live in filth... ????

OP posts:

Original poster

whatkindofmess · 23/03/2021 12:09

@Tippytappytoes thank you - it's the emotional burden I worry about. I will pass your advice on to DH about seeking help with counselling/school. I hope things are ok for you now.

OP posts:

Kabakofte · 23/03/2021 17:43

I do not pick up on anything condescending or judgemental in OPs post, just a step parent wanting to help a child who has reached out. There are plenty of posters on mumsnet who seem to actively dislike their SC so this is a breath of fresh air to read of the hope of being supportive. For that young person to know they have a safe place and someone who will listen will help enormously plus the help others have suggested. Good luck and ignore the snarky comments that are of no use or relevance to the situation, even if the mum drinks because her husband left her (pure speculation from some) what use is that information?? It doesn't change the situation for the SC and that is the person who needs help!!

Flip

Swipe left for the next trending thread