How to help someone to stop being "hoovered" by an abuser?

[elowise]

Asking for my brother, who has ASD and is therefore quite vulnerable to manipulation and so on.

He has left a toxic LTR with a woman who is very emotionally abusive (intimidation, threats, blackmail, gaslighting, manipulation, blame-shifting, playing the victim, coercion, minimising, denial, tried to isolate him) and he does see the relationship was toxic (finally) and has thankfully left it.

However, the woman is persistently "hoovering" him - generally by playing the damsel in distress and phoning him with tears, apologies, asking for yet more closure and even threats to harm herself and so on, then after she has his attention, engaging in very abusive behavior which she then persuades him is completely his fault.

I've talked to him lots and tried to help, sending him lots of links online, and he is making progress in realising what is going on, but once he is hoovered and spends 5 minutes talking to her, he is back at square one believing he is the guilty one and she the victim and somehow she makes her reality his reality.

I really want to help him out of this cycle. Does anyone have advice, tips or resources I can point him to so he can get control of the situation and have better boundaries so she can't hoover him in? I know "no contact" is best, but that's difficult in the circumstances.

She cant hoover him if he blocks her on everything. So he needs to get to the point where he can do that. Keep sending him links.

Theres a good male vlogger on youtube who vlogs on narcissists. I'll link you if I find him.

Tell him to change his phone number and block her on social media.

As I said, it isn't possible not to see her as she works with him so no contact isn't possible. He has blocked her on everything. She does still call his landline. He is looking for another job and yes, he has told work about it after many months of me pushing him to do so. The result of that was her getting "told off" at work, to which the reaction was yet more abuse (telling him he is trying to get her fired, telling him he is bullying her, telling him the only reason she behaves the way she does is because of him).

So really, my question is more about in the meantime while he looks for another job, are there resources or ways you can help a person have stronger defenses for this sort of thing? Spotting manipulation when it's happening and protecting oneself against "blame-shifting" as this is a really big problem. Every bad thing she does is his fault for dumping her.

Well he could report her to the police for harassment. And he should if he has told her he no longer wants contact and she is still calling his house phone.

My first thought is the freedom programme but I'm not sure if it's just for women?

Could he contact www.mankind.org.uk/ ?

That's awful @elowise.

He must block her number and every form of communication.
He needs to keep any messages that she has sent as evidence just in case he needs to report her for harassment. In fact, perhaps he can do this now seeing as she's already made persistent attempts at unwanted contact.

I'm afraid there really is no way to fight a narcissist/toxic person/abuser against their manipulative tactics other than going no contact or grey rock if he has to be in the same space as her. He needs to make sure that he is never alone with her.

Every interaction from the narcissist is a form of manipulation and as long he responds to it bad or good, they will escalate with their abusive tactics. He needs to ignore her accusations and gaslighting and not react or he will get hoovered and hoovered.

In my experience, it was my impulse to defend myself and my reaction to their accusations that caused me to be sucked back into the circular arguments and hence the drama. When they tried to do it again by accosting me on my way to work no fewer than 5 times and emailing me ranty messages of being "hot and cold" again, a switch flipped and I resolved to ignore and avert my eyes.

He needs to give her absolutely nothing or it will fuel her. Rather than engaging in any interaction with her, he needs to concentrate on his own healing and boundaries. Is he getting therapy and counselling? All the best to your brother on his recovery and getting out of this horrible situation.

The Freedom Program is just for women but you can download and purchase the materials to show him. Also tell him about DARVO - Deny, Accuse, Reverse Victim and Offender.
freedomprogramme.co.uk/docs/dominator-mr-right.pdf

He should ask for more support from his employer, and hopefully he has plenty of evidence to support his case.

Cheers all, @Ruminating2020 this Grey Rock thing sounds ideal. He keeps getting sucked into conversations with her and he comes away feeling bad.

Freedom thing looks great too, he has a habit of falling in with people like this