Anyone met a man like this?

[octagonal]

I know I shouldn't pidgeonhole but after a long marriage I have met a man, things doing well but certain things are new to me that I haven't experienced before . I'd appreciate your opinions please.
To start with the surprisingly good things .. he is kind, thoughtful, funny and considerate . He is a chatterbox , open and interesting. I spent a lot of my marriage being ignored . Intimacy is wonderful but some things are odd to me, possibly due to a sex pest ex husband .
This is where my question comes in.
He doesn't like giving oral sex but feel he has to. I've told him he is not to do that or anything he is uncomfortable with he really wants to.
He always puts me first . Very new .
Is icky about periods/ period sex ..
Lingerie does nothing for him sexually .
He loves anal play on both of us .

Every point above is brand new to me . Any red flags here? My abuser radar is shit since divorce . My exh did a right number on me. Perhaps this is normal and I don't trust my judgement yet .
Very lovely and equal relationship . Thank you.

The whole fear of period sex and not liking going down on you...as much as its ok for him not to be ok with these things...I might be worried that he was so verbal about it - in a way that sorta makes it sound like he is calling you icky.

If he doesn't enjoy it then why is he doing it? I might worry that he would turn around at a later point and make out he did THAT for you even though he didn't want to so YOU have to do something for him you dont want.

I think just be very conscious of not being talked into anything you dont want to do. And if he is vocal about not wanting to do something then tell him you just won't be doing it then. And look fir an alternative that pleases both of you.

Also, the ass stuff...assuming you've been together a good while? Because if that was getting brought up seriously before at least (minimum) 6 months in...I think that would be a big old red flag to me that he didn't have much respect for appropriate boundaries.

Just keep reading up on how to spot abusers. Their manipulations ect.. its something you should do throughout life, really. Something every woman should do tbh.

he will lick your bum but not your fanny??

I would be put off by someone that didnt want to give me oral and was squeamish about periods, but being put off is not the same as a red flag.

I think theres a risk that youre just excited by someone being less shit than your ex. It doesnt mean you need to run away fast or anything. You can just enjoy something for what it is

There’s nothing here that I’d be concerned about. He puts you first which is good. I wouldn’t expect him to perform oral sex if he really disliked it, but saying that I don’t really like doing it myself but I still will fairly regularly as my oh enjoys it. He’s obviously making an effort for you. Period sex is icky to a lot of people, and lingerie not turning him on isn’t a concern. Neither is the anal stuff as long as you’re not being pressured into doing anything you don’t want to do. It sounds as if he’s happy to communicate any likes/dislikes over sex

I don't see any issues here.

My DH and me included, do not like period sex. I wouldn't enjoy it myself.

My DH doesn't like giving oral to me, again, I'm fine by that. I love my husband so much and we do so many things together that not receiving oral is not a problem. I don't mind giving him oral but he doesn't expect it from me.

Lingerie - my DH prefers me naked. He loves my boobs and just wants to touch them, so I don't waste money on sexy lingerie for it to be on for 2 minutes lol!

Anal - if YOU are comfortable then that's all that matters. I'm not into it, neither is my DH; but my ex was. I tried it, didn't like it. End of. He wasn't abusive or a pest, (just a cheater lol).

So long as you are comfortable that's what's important here. If you didn't want to do something and he kept on at you and made you feel bad for saying no, that's where the issue is...

None of these things are objectively bad, but it depends how they work with your own sexual needs and desires. Is there anything you are missing/not enjoying?

Sorry if I was not clear .
He has never performed oral sex on me because when we talked about our likes: dislikes etc at the beginning of our relationship ,when i asked about it he said that he had done it On few occasions , didn't really enjoy doing it , found it suffocating and just didn't
Do it for him. He said he felt he had to do it in other relationships as a reciprocal gesture . It was an open and honest conversation and I did probe so Incant complain about his honesty .
He loves skin to skin as well so that's reassuring to hear regarding
Lingerie.
We don't lick anally . Just some
Finger play and rubbing .
Re periods . He doesn't enjoy period sex . I do but not a deal breaker.

@Lovelydiscusfish I
Am Enjoying every single
Moment . Possibly the best sex Of my life , but I ignorantly believed that ALL man love oral and lingerie and sex whenever they had it.. period or not. Was wondering if he was odd .

Nope not odd at all. Sounds good to me and especially good that you are communicating clearly with each other. Carry on, keep calm.

I’m being honest here but how can you base sex on whether a man will be an abuser? All men are all those things at the start of a relationship in fact abusers are charming and you incredibly gifted at making you feel like you are only one. But nothing you have said is a Red flag? It’s all about sex.

Not liking period sex is fine, not liking to give oral is...not unusual but doesn't make him a great lover tbh. Do you want to be putting your fingers up his bum? This is something that often appeals to men and much less so to women and I wouldn't enjoy doing that myself but if it works for you then it's all good.

[quote octagonal]@Lovelydiscusfish I
Am Enjoying every single
Moment . Possibly the best sex Of my life , but I ignorantly believed that ALL man love oral and lingerie and sex whenever they had it.. period or not. Was wondering if he was odd . [/quote]
If you love it, don’t over-think it! If you have found someone whose sexual interests and preferences tessellate well with your own, I think that’s fab.

In my experience (admittedly not exhaustive):

Most men dislike period sex.

Most like giving oral but by no means all.

Most aren’t that bothered about lingerie.

Nothing you have said about your man makes him sound strange to me. Everyone’s sexuality is slightly different - I don’t think there is such a thing as a standard one.

@Anon2323 . I have experience with a sexually coercive pest who spent years gaslighting / stonewalling and manipulating and essentially abusing me both sexually and emotionally .
It may seem about sex but I was worried that he could turn into someone who would abuse me again , in a variety that f ways .
@MazekeenSmith I really enjoy giving and receiving anal play . I never enjoyed it before for good reasons.

I agree with the period sex I won't have it and mor would dh. Far too messy and makes me feel gross so that wouldn't be a red flag for me. Enjoy your relationship and just keep your wits about you

It sounds OK to me as long as you are fine with it all, but as a PP said keep your eyes open. You could just get a cap to use during your period?

[quote octagonal]@Anon2323 . I have experience with a sexually coercive pest who spent years gaslighting / stonewalling and manipulating and essentially abusing me both sexually and emotionally .
It may seem about sex but I was worried that he could turn into someone who would abuse me again , in a variety that f ways .
@MazekeenSmith I really enjoy giving and receiving anal play . I never enjoyed it before for good reasons. [/quote]
I get that but I think you know as well as I do that abusers don’t really show their true selves straight away, in fact a narcissistic abuser you will not even see it coming chemistry and passion of the start and is very easy to find and people are good at faking things for a good while so Sadly no one can tell you if he will be turn out to be abusive based on that alone, because none of the things you mentioned are odd really. You just need to enjoy it for it what it is now. If you feel uncomfortable later on or any other red flags listen to it, you will know.

partyatthepalace

You could just get a cap to use during your period?

I think the mood may be ruined by the wearing of a cap. Especially if the peak slides down over the eyes, causing an Eric Morecambe comedy moment 🤦🏽‍♀️

@HappenstanceMarmite

partyatthepalace

You could just get a cap to use during your period?

I think the mood may be ruined by the wearing of a cap. Especially if the peak slides down over the eyes, causing an Eric Morecambe comedy moment 🤦🏽‍♀️

We could do with a bit more humour around here.

This sounds like a happy, healthy relationship- there are no red flags to me. Your communication sounds great, I can see you’re on your guard due to your ex but just enjoy it

If it works for you then fine.

But i’m always a bit at people who happily receive oral but won’t give it. Also i fail to see why anal play is fine but periods are grim to people - i know which I find less grim between some bloody and stocking your fingers where shit comes out.

I actually find it quite sexist - licking a vagina or being anywhere near a bleeding one - hell no, but sticking your fingers up a woman’s ass is a-ok.

Also on the ‘suffocating’ - it’s not exactly easy to breathe with a dick in your throat either is it. Plus suffocating? is he burying his face in there?? It’s way less ‘suffocating’ to go down on a woman than a man unless they’re sitting on your face or something.

@SilverRoe

I actually find it quite sexist - licking a vagina or being anywhere near a bleeding one - hell no, but sticking your fingers up a woman’s ass is a-ok.

I agree.

Taking each point into consideration, it does seem to imply that this is a man who doesn't love women for who they are - for their femininity, if you like. Read into that what you will.

@SilverRoe

I actually find it quite sexist - licking a vagina or being anywhere near a bleeding one - hell no, but sticking your fingers up a woman’s ass is a-ok.

It's a sexual preference, his right. What's sexist about it?