Checked out of marriage

[Goldylion]

Been together 22 years, married 15. Grown up DC. No back story other than DH is a workaholic which has caused problems in the past as he has a health issue which was made worse by this. Recently he has scaled work right back, but on his days off he just slobs about watching videos on his phone & drinks heavily in the evenings. He doesn’t do anything in the house unless I ask him & yesterday he even said I should write him a list. I told him I’m not his mother & he’s not blind to what needs doing.

He has also been mentioning what some of his single friends have been up to on dating apps & I have noticed he has searched for women he used to go to school with on FB. He inadvertently showed me this, I didn’t snoop. He’s not interested in me at all really, I have spoken to him at length as I feel he’s just here because it’s comfortable & easy. He denies this and says he will make more of an effort but then never does. I don’t think he’s cheating as he wouldn’t have the time or energy due to his health issue.

I just can’t decide if it’s worth working on or getting out now while I’m still young enough?

You have my sympathy. This sounds like low level misery - it’s never quite enough to justify ending it and yet it’s endlessly unsatisfying. It’s grim to be a relationship where you don’t feel noticed, and where the dynamic is that you do all the mental load of the household and they can’t be bothered because, somehow, it’s not their job. Searching for women online is a common thing in men who are too lazy (or otherwise unable) to fix their own relationships so they retreat into fantasy. While they might not actually turn it into cheating, it’s a baby step towards it. They might be hoping that someone comes along to persuade them off to some nice new pastures.

Is he likely to change? You could try some relationship counselling to get to the root of it and see if he has that capacity, or what his real feelings about the relationship are. Trust your gut though - if you sense that’s he’s not truly interested in you, you are probably right. At least start thinking about what you want from life - I suspect it’s not slaving for someone who gives so little back...

Good luck

If you won the lottery, would you stay with him?

Probably not. The only thing stopping me is fear of the unknown & living alone. Financially it would be easy, I earn well & would get a large sum from the sale of the house. There would be no childcare or anything to sort.

He’s also not in good shape now due to his health, chronic pain makes him irritable. But he doesn’t help himself & skips hospital appointments. I’m dreading this worsening in years to come. He’s knows I’m fed up, he asked if I wanted to sell up yesterday.

You sound like me OP.
My dh has health issues due to his weight had a heart attack a few yrs ago.Bad tempered lazes about unless I suggest chores.
So draining.I write him a list but told him yesterday I'm not his mother.I told him kitchen is daily washing daily then most other things once s week with top ups.
We've been together for decades.
I come across as a nag as he is so laid back.You have to decide if you can put up with this.
In my relationship I'm the workaholic.Anything for a break.!!

I feel for you. I think life is too short. Leave him. You sound miserable and he’s unlikely to change. I’m in a similar situation in a dead marriage. No intimacy, I do all the drudge work in the house, he only does things if I ask and only if he wants to otherwise I’m nagging! We have no sex life not even a cuddle, he’s totally disinterested. I nearly left in January then lockdown happened and I felt paralysed. I’ve got two 16 year olds in the middle of A levels and I’m desperate to leave but worry about the affect it will have on them. I know my husband chats to women online and have found messages before. It’s so hard though to actually go.

Thanks all, it’s sad how many of us are in similar situations. He admits he is depressed due his health, which is an auto immune disorder, so not self inflicted. But he won’t seek help. We had a chat the other day about if we split up & he said he wouldn’t bother with anyone else & would live alone & only have one set of everything so he wouldn’t have to see/entertain anyone!! Kind of sums up how different we are & what we want from the future. My eldest DC doesn’t live at home & would probably be happy if I left as I think knows I’m miserable. The younger one will be upset as still lives at home. I think I will chat to H again tonight.

I'm in your boat, but probably slightly ahead.
My DH has now moved out.
From experience, trying solely to get your marriage on track again and get him to appreciate you again will reduce you to feel much worse.
You can't make him behave differently or think differently, unfortunately, it has to come from him.
I can assure you that all you fear is in your head; I was dreading the thought of sole parenting with young DCs. I dreaded the morning juggle alone and thought it would ruin me. But, with him gone, I feel lighter and have more energy for it. The black cloud has lifted and I can tackle much more. Don't let fear hold you back.

OP, life is too short to live in misery. Be honest, he is never going to change and will probably complain if you keep trying to change him. You could wake up one day in 10 years time and think how much of a better life you could have had! Many people have an auto immune disorder (I do) but it doesn't mean you go around making others lives downright miserable!

Goldylion

re your comment:-
"The only thing stopping me is fear of the unknown & living alone".

Feel the fear and do it anyway. Do not be afraid to take some responsibility for your own happiness here and move on with your life. It honestly cannot be any worse than what you are describing now which is utter shit. What is the point of your H?. What are you getting out of this relationship now?. You've already tried talking; doing the same in the expectations of getting a different result won't work out any better.

Again re your comment:-
"The only thing stopping me is fear of the unknown & living alone".

Neither of the above are any basis to stay with him and you know this deep down. Both your DC know that you are miserable and this is no life for your youngest child either. You're showing them that currently this is still acceptable to you.

What sort of relationship are you as their parents modelling to your youngest; would you want he/she to potentially emulate this sort of relationship?. Hell no. And its not good enough for you either.

Youngest thinks we are happy as we do have the odd laugh & sit & watch tv together, but mostly we’re each on our phones or reading. He treats me similar to be honest, just brings washing down and asks what I’m cooking each night.

OP,
Your marriage sounds long over for a variety of reasons.

It also reads like you both know it.

If you want your life to be better make the changes sooner rather than later.

Are you happy to become his carer if you stay, knowing that you both think the marriage if over?

If he is ignoring his health, will his condition worsen sooner?

Think about what you want your future to be.

Goldylion are you me?
My d's resents him and can't believe his df asks what is for tea like I am a 1950s housewife.I work late so he normally cooks for them so he tells all the neighbours who know I get home after 10pm.
We don't ever watch tv together as he has hearing issues now which he hardly wears his aids.The Tv has to be too loud for me.
If your dh is depressed I would try to help him as we all go through ill health.
If you don't want to end up being his supervisor I would spell it out.You are not alone though.

In case you are afraid of lving alone: it's not scary at all.
Finances permitting it's great. You need friends of course, but the man you have in your house sounds like a small cild, so you don't loose out on real partnership really.

We’ve had a talk & it went as expected. He doesn't have a problem with the marriage. He doesn’t want to throw away 22 years & all we’ve built. He knows he doesn’t pull his weight & takes me for granted. He’s going to change, but I’m to remind him when he forgets 😂. Oh & when I asked him why he wants to stay together he said cos we have a laugh together & have a nice house & life. Not that he loved me, that wasn’t mentioned at all, but apparently that’s a given.

Oh op, you sound like you are dragging a huge weight along with you in life. Somewhere along the way you have drifted apart. He doesn't seem to make the effort to keep the marriage sparking. You have talked yourself hoarse and he keeps promising to do better but apathy stops him.
What if you cut yourself free and soared with your energy, drive and those yet unfulfilled dreams?

I'd also say life's too short to just keep plodding on like this. Maybe an honest sit down discussion with him about how you're feeling and if it can't be worked on, then at least you don't have financial or childcare pressures to consider.

I’m here cos of my children: they love him to bits & I just feel it’s rather selfish of me to take them away from their dad. As for me tho, I checked out years ago. It’s so bad I don’t even look at him. His years of cheating , lying & saying untrue stuff about me to people is just the height but I do not plan on leaving : not now, at least.

Sorry, I wasn’t of much help.

I’ve literally had the same conversation with my DH of 20 years. There is an addiction issue to boot but so much of your thinking is going round my head too. The firepower needed to make the leap is so huge. It’s easy to say it but doing it and untangling your life and history together, plus trying to reassure yourself you’d be ok on the other side.. well, it’s torture. When I had ‘the talk’ I was told by DH that he “really likes” me “as a person” and the DC’s would be upset if we split.
I just thought, hell, I have 50 friends that would say they like me as a person...
He couldn’t even use the word ‘love’ and I realised even if we sort all the practical things thrust make us unhappy, what is actually left at the end of that?

It doesn't sound like you want to stay OP, so no - I'd make plans to move on - you want to do it sooner rather than later so everyone can re-settle.

I would go see a solicitor to figure out how the money would be split and then get on with it.

A whole new chapter of you life awaits you...

OP,

Love is never a given.
I think you have your answer.

@Questions99,you have your answer too.
Leave him to his adfictions and place some value on your life.
Don't be used as a convenience.

Love is never a given.

But I don't think I could sit on my arse while the person I claim to love cleans, cooks around me.