Ex - trying to remain amicable

[Justlikeapilll]

Me and ex husband split a year ago (he cheated) and things have so far remained amicable but lately my child’s being telling things he’s said about me, little digs like “ive got you a new coat but it’s staying here cause your mum will send it back dirty” type of stuff (it’s not dirty as in my kids are never clean, but dirty as in they’ve worn it and it’s got muck on it and I haven’t had chance to wash it yet - just typical kid stuff) or making comments about youngest not potty trained (we’ve discussed this already and starting this weekend as I have time off work so I’m not sure why he’s making out as though I’m not going to do it). Trying so hard to not let it get to me but it just makes me feel like a shit mum. He’s put me through so much shit the past year, being back and forth with me & it’s had such a knock on effect on my mental health and my self esteem and yet I still remain amicable and pleasant and try to maintain that. I work full time and have my kids 70% of the time and I’m doing the best I can right now and really do not need his criticisms on top of an already tough time.

I hate confrontation, I did txt and remind him of things being said but how do I not let this bother me?
I’ve not once made any digs at him.

I really don’t want to get in tit for tat with him. I’ve never done anything wrong towards him, so I don’t understand where this is coming from. Why he is now acting like this? I do genuinely like and care for him but this makes it really hard to maintain.

If an item of clothing has “muck” on it is it not in fact dirty?

Wow gutful, show me a child that is immaculately dressed at all times.
If he brings the kids back and that have any dirt on them from playing I wouldn’t bat an eye lid. They are kids. Kids get dirty.

Helpful, @gutful.

I wasn’t disputing the “muck” that was an example of what I perceive as a petty dig.
My kids only have to be dressed for minutes before snot and food is on there clothing

Thank you @ThisTooShallBeFantastic

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate OP. Can you have an amicable talk with him about sharing the load and being a team?

To be honest I thought we was a team until these digs came to light. Maybe I’m being sensitive, I probably am, it just really hurt and disappointed me that he was being like that. He of all people should know how hard it is as this was what his ex was like years ago with his eldest. That’s another reason why I’ve tried to remain amicable, as I saw what effect it had on him.

why cant he start the toilet training? I am confused why he is having a dig at you when your both parents? You can remain amicable but place some boundaries. His digs about the coat I wouldnt get worked up about. Being amicable doesnt mean he gets to say what he wants and criticise your parenting. If this is what he is doing and your truly 'amicable' you would be able to speak to him about it. The fact you havent suggests it is one sided. So time to perhaps set some boundaries on the communication you want to have with him

Those comments wouldn’t bother me much tbh. It’s not unreasonable for him to want to keep a coat at his house, especially if he feels it will be brought back dirty. As for the potty training I’d just reply ‘he has two parents, you’re welcome to crack on with it if you want to start him now’.

@mybonnieliesovertheocean2 I did speak to him, I said our eldest had told me stuff he’d said and stuff she had overheard and I reminded him about saying stuff in front of her. I just don’t know how to not let stuff like this bother me

To be fair I'd never dream of sending my kids to their dads in dirty clothes. It takes seconds to put them in the washing machine and hang them up to dry.
How old is the little one? If you have the kids 70% of the time then it is obviously you that would take the lead and then work together on it.

@Grandslam21im not fussed about him having desperate stuff for his, I guess I’m just sensitive to the implication that I dress our kids messy

@supersonicginandtonicmaybe I’m just more relaxed about a normal amount of mess on their clothing as I know he’s taking them straight to his. If I’m at home with them and they get a bit of dirt on them, or dried food etc I wouldn’t change them immediately. Obviously different if we was going out to say a pub etc. When we was together and they got messy at home he would never change them 🤷🏻‍♀️ Unless we was leaving the house

@mybonnieliesovertheocean2 I think I’ve always had problems with what I would class as confrontation, stemming from my childhood. Half the time I make it into a big deal in my head and then turns out was nothing to worry about. I think I’m probably very sensitive to anything he says right now and I get that that is my problem, not his.

I think you are things to heart too much. When I started reading your post I thought you was going to say he’d been slagging you off/trying to alienate the kids from you. It’s only of comments, just ignore them

Op, my ds can get mucky between the front door and the car so ignore the comments about washing coats. Who are these spotlessly clean kids !

My ex's new woman has recently started making snide comments that ds sometimes repeats. I know her objective is to upset or needle me so I absolutely don't react - ever.
I won't give her what she wants or let ds see that I am impacted in any way.

I explained to ds that some people are unpleasant, like bullies, and that is their problem, not his, and so to ignore it.

I think the general consensus is that I’ve being too sensitive, which I agree with. Think I need to learn to just ignore stuff and not read into stuff.

Don't rise to it, sounds like ex is spoiling for a fight. If you feel the need to reply to child say "that's nice" and make mental note not too send a coat. If ex says about potty training "uh huh" and carry on. I think grey rock method may work.

As for being sensitive, I worry about conversations I have with people after. I have to say to myself "I can't change it now" and in my case I get busy to distract my head.

Well you are not amicable if he is making remarks like this and you are too scared to confront him. You need to accept it for what it is, you are split up, you are not a team, he is not on your side anymore, he is not your friend. It will make it easier for you to not get worked up about his silly comments and help you to move on.

I have had similar over the years, completely unfounded and petty digs getting back to me through the DC. The pattern I have noticed is that these increase when something is not going to plan in my ex's life eg. Lots of arguments with new family and I can't do anything right. I just put it down to him wanting to take out his disappointment / anger on someone and saves him actually tackling the real issue.

Try and let it go over your head and put it down to where it comes from (a liar and a cheat), I'm sure you're doing a great job.

Yy to grey rock. Depending on how unpleasant the comment is
"That's nice dear"
"Well everyone is entitled to an opinion"
"That's a strange thing to say in front of you"
"Your Dad is entitled to his opinion, I dont have to agree"

There no point pulling him up on it, if he wasnt going to do it you wouldn't have to raise it.

Your ex (like mine) is just spoiling for a fight, I choose to completely ignore him because nothing winds him up more than me not reacting in the way he wants and giving him the fight he wants.

Just this weekend I had the petty texts and doorstep telling off from him because I’m a terrible negligent mother who sent her child for a park outing with their dad in shock slightly muddy wellies 😂

I used to get really worked up about the constant digs he was sending back through the children, until I realised he was never going to stop and never going to be respectful or amicable with me. He can do those things he just chooses not to, the quicker I realised it was all a game and all he wanted to do was upset me the quicker I stopped reacting to anything so he’s just left to stew in his own fury.

How old are the children?

Happy people don't feel the need to make snide comments so it's a symptom of HIS insecurity. Is OW still on the scene?

As someone else commented he may be trying to get a reaction from you so it can give you pleasure to know that you are not playing his game. It probadly suits his agenda to prove you are highly unreasonable rather than a good mum who is working hard. People who have affairs tend to have a victim mentality. If however you're a good person then that makes him a selfish twat.

Keep telling yourself you're a good mum and see his comments as a sign that he's insecure and trying to put you down. If he was truly happy he wouldn't be bothering about a coat with marks on it, he would just get on with his life.

Ex H also tries to provoke me and I've learned to just ignore or respond as if he doing be a favour.. "fantastic, thanks, that works really well for me". It has taken a little while to do this but now I find it easy. If you find yourself stewing over comments just know that he has intended that response. He knows you are a great mum and thats it's important to you which is why he's attacking it. Just see it as a sign that his new life isn't perhaps the paradise he hoped for.

Why remain amicable? If it's for the kids sake,the priority is to feel good again. Not stressed out with nasty snide remarks. If you feel better with a more distant, remote relationship (which I would advise,given his betrayal) yourkids wont suffer. Because you are likely to get over it more quickly and be less dragged down by his crap. You owe him nothing. Not niceness. But you owe yourself and by extension yourkids, to not have this nasty snideness in your life