How do I cope with contact with our daughter?

[Anon778833]

Before I post about what happened, and I have posted about this relationship quite a bit. I have Aspergers, so I’m easily manipulated by other people and find it difficult to set boundaries.

The relationship with this person went on for 3-4 years with the same pattern throughout.

1. We seemed to be happy together.
2. He suddenly decided that he wasn’t, I wasn’t right for him or my AS is a problem
3. He finished with me but then kept on contacting me.

Later, I discovered that in the ‘off’ phases he had actually run back to his ex. Then when she dumped him, he’d run back to me.

At one of the ‘on’ phases of this non-relationship I ended up getting pregnant. Throughout the pregnancy he stayed with me and treated me well (eventually though at first he was blaming me). Looking back, I think he told the other person that he’d got me pregnant and she no longer wanted to be involved with him because of this.

The on/off cycle started again when our dd was 3 weeks old. He wasn’t as ‘ecstatic’ as he should be in a relationship apparently. Shortly after, he apologised. She is now 15 months old.

This is further complicated by how he has responded to Covid. He’s a covid denier and has spent the last year making me ill talking about how it’s all a hoax. And he became obsessed with QAnon.

He has stopped paying child maintenance because he quit his job last year because initially he was scared of covid before he became a covid denier. He has upset his mum about all this because her partner has COPD and he keeps saying there’s no risk.

The latest break up happened after I decided to have the Covid vaccine. Apparently he thinks I will infect him with something. After the break up, he’s ringing and texting me multiple times a day and I asked him to stop. He uses our daughter as an excuse. If I didn’t respond to him, he’d ring me 7/8 times. Eventually, I decided to change my telephone number to stop this. He hasn’t taken too kindly to this.

Then he started emailing me. Demanding to come over and see dd. He lives about 1.5 hours away and she’s never been to his house. I said to him no. When he comes here he manipulates me. I don’t want to see him. The last thing he emailed me was ‘oh go and fuck yourself you stupid bitch’.

I want to get a court order about contact times so that he can’t use this situation to manipulate me any further. I need to not see him at all. Because he won’t leave me alone, despite repeatedly saying we aren’t right for each other.

Is this the right thing to do? Is it hard? Does it make everything worse?

I’m also wondering if there is a contact app that can be used instead of having to text etc.

You can't make an application for him to have contact - he has to do it. You can ask for a non-molestation order, stopping him from contacting you other than via an app.

There are contact apps available, I've no personal experience of them but there's a list here separ8.co.uk/tips-advice/co-parenting-apps-which-one-to-choose/

Thank you.

I'm afraid that is not true @KarmaViolet. If you are in disagreement about contact, then you are able to make an application to the court.

I have been the Applicant in two such court proceedings with my exH regarding contact with our DC - because we did not agree on contact and if I didn't agree with what he wanted, he behaved abusively and/or withheld contact from the children.

If you know of a neutral 3rd party you could make contact through them and they could even act as physical go-between e.g. you drop child with Aunty X and he picks up from Aunty X and returns to Aunty X later. If he wants to change arrangements he tells Aunty X who communicates with you. It’s a bit clunky but it means you never have to speak directly to him.

If he isn’t a danger to the child then you should make the child available for contact but that doesn’t mean you need to be available to abuse. If it was me I’d work out a way that would suit me, probably via my sister being a go between and I’d email ex and say “DD would like to see you regularly but I don’t feel it’s appropriate that you and I communicate at this time. If you’d like to see DD please let my sister know at xxxx email address. I’d suggest you collect DD from my sisters for a few hours after school for a month until you are used to looking after yourself and then, if you like, you can move to having her full a full day each weekend and potentially overnight if all goes well and contact is consistent. Please email my sister to confirm if you are happy with this plan and to arrange your first dates for contact. I will no longer reply directly to you on any platform so if my sister doesn’t hear from you I will assume you do not want to see DD.”

There isn’t a neutral 3rd party. I am an only child. I would ordinarily have asked his mum but she won’t let him in her house because her husband is in the CEV group and he doesn’t believe covid exists & won’t wear a mask.

I am not sure that he is capable of looking after dd on his own as he has obvious mental health problems and doesn’t think rationally. She won’t be able to stay with him overnight until he lives nearer. The intensity of lockdown has made her clingy to me so she won’t settle at bedtime unless I’m there.

There is a difference between a child being clingy and him being unable to look after her. If he does take this to court you need to be able to say that you made REASONABLE provision for him to see his kid. It's the reasonable that is difficult. You need good examples of why his behaviour is too erratic to care for his kid over night. Saying that DD is too clingy won't be enough. She won't get used to him unless she tries - which is why I was suggesting building up contact. If he drinks, takes drugs, self harms, etc.. and is mentally not able to care for a child safely then that is a good reason not to send DD for overnight contact.

If you feel a neutral third party is the right thing to do there are contact centres. He'd need to pay and he won't want to but if you feel he is genuinely too abusive towards you for you to deal with him then that is an option.

If you want DD to see him and you just don't want to deal with his issues then you say:
"DD is available every Wednesday and Friday from 3pm. You need to collect her from my house without verbal or physical abuse towards me and then take her for your contact. She needs to be fed and returned by 7pm so I can put her to bed. If you want to build up to more contact and overnights you need to have consistent positive contact with our daughter".

Rinse and repeat. This is your answer to all his messages except ones genuinely dealing with DD (e.g. if he asks what to feed her).

If he comes to collect her and he is abusive you call the police. Then you say "as you cannot collect DD from me without being abusive and my having to call the police you now need to go via a contact centre which you will need to arrange. Please provide me with the details when you have them."

Rinse and repeat. This is your answer to all comments unless they are sensible questions regarding access via a contact centre (e.g. can you get DD to contact centre X for 5pm on Friday?)

Don't argue with him, don't explain, just tell him what is available. It is all about contact and only about contact. He can have contact but he is not going to be allowed to use it to abuse you.

Ok, thank you. I don’t intend to stop him from seeing her but I don’t want to deal with handovers.

Does your daughter attend nursery or anything that could be used as a handover instead of in person? So he could collect her from there on his contact days and drop her back off when it's your days?
Or could his mum do handovers outdoors, without having any close contact with him?

No she doesn’t attend nursery yet. His mum won’t be able to have contact with dd until her husband has had his second vaccine.

I could potentially ask my mum to deal with it - she’s not scared of him. But whether he’ll collect her is another matter.

Whether or not he does is his problem, if he wants a relationship with his daughter he will. I would try to arrange that then so you don't need to have contact with him yourself but you're still doing right by your daughter by doing what you can to ensure she has a relationship with her father.

You offer that he picks up from your mum. She is available to have contact with him, all he has to do is collect her. You tell your mum to be polite and civil and totally bland. Then he has a choice - collect her from your mum or don't see her. That is his choice and not an issue you need to fix. Remember you have to give a reasonable option for contact with his daughter but it doesn't have to be exactly what he requests and it must limit his options to abuse you.

The only other concern I have is that I’m on the CEV list and he doesn’t believe covid exists so he takes zero precautions, even flouts them on purpose to make a point.

Anyway I suggested him picking dd up from my mum and he’s not replied.

Anyway I suggested him picking dd up from my mum and he’s not replied.

Well done on taking this action.

You have had some excellent direction her from @Peace43 and other posters.

Keep it simple around logistics with v clear consequences. Protect yourself from abuse and ensure your DD is 100% safe. Don’t give him too much - if he wants more he will have to go to court. If you have kept records of his behaviours towards you and capacity to care for a young toddler then you have done your best.

Expect such characters to be unreliable and erratic. I suspect the contact is just an opportunity to punish and abuse you and once you remove this opportunity he will fade from your lives. I would keep away from his family - if they want a RS with their DGD then that’s for their DS to facilitate in his allotted time.

I would keep away from his family - if they want a RS with their DGD then that’s for their DS to facilitate in his allotted time.

They won’t see him because he refuses to have the Covid vaccine. They were willing to see her with me because I’ve had mine. They’re bound to take his side though aren’t they.