This is a long story and I'm feeling quite hurt at the moment. There are some sensitive things in this thread so please do not continue to read on if there have been traumas in your past...
The older I am getting the more strained the relationship I have with my mother is getting.
Although my mum has been controlling throughout my life I think I had a good childhood and I believe I was raised well, my dad's side of the family is large and I had lots of cousins to play with. I was happy. As I started getting older I stopped seeing my extended family and never realised why but looking back I remember my mum telling me that they weren't my real family and the family was me, my mum and brother and that's all that matters. My dad wasn't included in this even though he has always been there. My mum and dad live together but are not married. I found out a few years ago my dad isn't on my birth certificate, i asked about this and it was so that 'nobody could take me away from her if something were to happen.' I felt sad that my birth certificate said father unknown, even though my dad has been there all my life, supported and nurtured me even to this day.
My mum never had her own biological family, she had been through the care system.
I never really got along with my brother, we are complete opposites. I always found him selfish and thought he put an act on for being nice when deep down he wasn't, he used to make up lies about me so I would get told off and he would look like the golden child. He was very clingy to my mum even when they got older and they would go on holiday together, just him and her without my dad and he was in his 30's...still living at home having his meals cooked for him and laundry washed etc, he wouldn't go away with his friends and would always choose to spend time with my mum instead. day trips, holidays, meals out, cinema, watching TV etc. I thought this was odd?!?
Despite being younger, I have moved out, had a successful job, had friends, boyfriends etc and was very independent. I travelled the world and my mum said I always fall in roses. My mum would always criticise my boyfriends though, she would also tell me to stay single, never get Married, don't rely on a man and be a single parent.
My mum used to say I was her sunshine and my brother was her soul mate...
One day I had a call from my mum, she came home from work to find the home being searched by the police, they had barged the door down and also barged the back garden gate down to enter the home, they seized my brothers computer and arrested him whilst he was in work. He wasn't allowed bail, he stayed in custody until sentenced to 1 year + in prison. His crime was to do with indecent images of children but I don't know any more information other than this is serious. He asked my mum not to attend court so she does not know the full details etc.
I stopped talking to my brother and we've never spoken since. I cannot be OK with someone that can hurt someone so innocent. Plus I am a nurse and I just can't have this in my life. My mum and dad continued to support him and would visit him in prison. My mum would tell me she hates him but she could never abandon her child. She would support me if I murdered someone... I understand this and accept it. He told her the reason he did his crimes were because he was stressed??? Really? I told her I thought he was manipulative and told her about the lies etc he would say about me and she said she can see it all now.
My mum then told me that she was in a children's home as a child and went into Foster care, the family sexually abused her and it was in the papers etc. She has had a very traumatic childhood and I can't even imagine how she feels knowing this happened to her and then her son is in prison for crimes against children.
Things were going OK with our relationship, my mum would talk to me about her worries with my brother etc and I would support her... I still felt he manipulated her as he would ring her and tell her he had been to hospital for tests or he had a bad stomach etc and she would then worry. I do remember one occasion though where I became really upset. She was telling me not to turn my back on him because of his crimes and I just had to be civil because when he dies I would then have his inheritance... The family home. I couldn't understand that way of thinking and I felt sick at the thought of it.
Then the time came for his release and he moved back home with them. Since this a distance has grown between me and my mum. I have no intentions of speaking to my brother ever again but she doesn't understand this.
She has started to become annoyed with every milestone I have hit since...
My boyfriend of 5 years moved in with me, she then stopped visiting me for the weekends like she used to and would not stay over even though we had a 3 bedroom home and a guest room. She wouldn't see me as much as she used to and speaking to her felt very forced.
1 year later I got engaged, my mum didn't congratulate me, wouldn't acknowledge I was getting married, told me I was making a mistake and by getting married, my husband would be entitled to my posessions etc. She stopped talking to me. I still sent her a wedding invite as I wanted her in my life but had no idea how it would go. My mother in law stepped up and she helped me plan the wedding, she helped with my dress etc and did everything I wish I had my own mother do. I hired a Manor home for the weekend and invited all the guests to stay with us (I paid for it all it was a small intimate wedding) but my mum refused to stay and sorted her own accommodation. The big day came and my mum and dad were there, my mum looked bitter throughout and she didn't stay long and left early. She wouldn't speak to my husband on the day. I had no congratulations card from her, only one from my dad. I felt sad about it all.
Time passed, my birthday and Christmas passed with no contact and no cards or gifts from mum. Just my dad only. I continued to send cards and gifts to her for occasions.
Then covid came and she started speaking to me again, she was worried I may get unwell or something. We started speaking again, things were improving, but she still made digs, eg: I didn't offer to do any food shopping for her when people were panic buying (I live 1.5hr drive away) also we were in lockdown and I couldn't. She's fully independent, has a car and my brother still lives there too!! He could go shopping for her?? She made a dig that I haven't seen her, again we are in lockdown so I can't but also I don't want to see my brother...
1 year of covid and me and my husband moved home, my mum was speaking to both of us and things were going well, she seemed happy for us moving home and we even had a congratulations card and a housewarming gift. We had only manged to see both our families once in the year because of lockdowns etc as they live far away from us.
Last week I broke the news I was pregnant, I sent a personalised card with the baby scan to my mum. She messaged me congratulations and how I was feeling etc. New home new baby she had a feeling this was coming. She then asked about my mother in law and suddenly turned and said 'you can't even speak to your own mother', 'I give up', 'it's like your wedding all over again', '2 years and you have been to my house once', 'I can see how this is going to end', - referring to her belief I will push her out and take my mother in law instead.
I asked her to stop, that she was upsetting me and I just want her to be happy for me, I want her to be part of the baby's life etc.
She has now stopped talking to me again.
This hot and cold absolutely breaks my heart and its really upsetting me. I keep worrying that I'm a horrible person and I do things wrong but my husband tells me it isn't me that's in the wrong. I worry about the future and all I want is things to be normal but they never will be. I look at my friends relationships with their mums and it makes me sad that I don't have that. It seems everything I do is wrong. 😔