What do I do?

[lisamari]

Ok so I didn't know where else to post; I'm aware this is going to sound ridiculous to some of you but me and my partner haven't been together very long but have been close friends for the past 3 years. He treats me amazing- when he is here(he's my support bubble), however when he's at home I feel like he works, comes home, smokes- as he can't at work- and goes to see his friends. Me getting pregnant at 16 I never had this life revolves around friends and having fun and drinking. I was reluctant to get into anything with him as I knew I wanted something serious but he assured me things would change. I'm still here in the same situation and I feel like I'm nagging and being moody all the time. I don't get to see him during the week as we live a little bit to far and he stays here when my LG has her weekends with her dad. But I just have this feeling that won't budge that I just don't fit into his life as he's just trying to enjoy it and on the other hand I feel as if he has to grow up sometime I just don't want to force it on him. I don't know whether I'm expecting to much, I moved out at 17 and basically raised my daughter alone for the past almost 5 years and he is still at home. I just feel like this is so childish but what do I do? I want to grow and I tell him I want to get back to my study's, work and he says he wants to grow together but I feel we're heading in different directions. I love this man a lot and don't want to make any rash decisions. I have no idea if this makes any sense: brain scramble. Thanks for reading.

Be careful you don't mistake emotionally stunted for immaturity. Its not the same thing. Some people never 'grow up'. It isn't your job to wait about on the off chance. Or to fix their emotional problems.

Overall however it seems the issue us that you are just not compatable. I think part of growing up is actually being able to choose you. To recognise that just liking someone is not enough - if that someone is actually not right for you. And if you feel lonely and stressed and annoyed and upset whilst with a person- then in all likelihood, that person is not right for you.

It isn't him that has growing to do. It's you.

He might be a lost cause, he might not. But he isn't good for you and nothing you can do will make him good for you. So don't go down that route. Choose you.

Hi @Wanderlusto thank you for the reply! It's so much easier said than done in these situations. When you've been close and sort of had a connection with someone for a while it's difficult to choose to walk away.

Dont I know it.

I walked away from my first love/best friend around 24ish after about 6 years of having them in my life in some way shape or form. Because he was selfish. And no matter how much I loved him, I knew he wasn't good for me. He'll always be remembered fondly...but he was not a nice person. And I know I did right by myself in walking away.

Recently I also broke up with a guy who was actually lovely. First proper relationship in years. But he drank too much. It was a big incompatibility. It's a wrench to walk away from the first substantial thing in a while.

But someone who is right for you does not cause you heartache. And they don't make you worry or question things 24/7. Sure walking away is hard and it'll hurt like a bitch. But staying and ending up being driven mental... I've been there too. And I'd choose pain and my sanity now. Every time. Rather than more pain and being completely broken, later.

Rip the plaster off.

@Wanderlusto I just keep thinking, he's such a sweet man. He's so genuine and loves me dearly. He does what he can for me and if he wants to do what he wants after work and see me on the weekends then he can. There's not much else he can do. Or I can do. And he just wants to live his life: he's done nothing wrong so why should I break up with him and why do I have this feeling.. I don't know. anyway thank you for replying.

I think you’re right that you’re growing in different directions. If I understand the timeline, you’re both still only 22? I don’t think you can blame him for wanting to be carefree and enjoy his youth with his friends. It doesn’t make him immature or emotionally stunted - you had to grow up very fast because you had a child as a teenager, but that was your choice. You’re different people with different priorities. In your position, I would break things off and accept that many men your age are going to have different priorities and ambitions for their lives, which don’t necessarily include settling down to raise a child. Maybe when dating consider single dads / men who also have children, who are better placed to understand how you want to progress a relationship.

Perhaps just treat it as fun and company?

But if you are looking for something more (eg: kids one day) then he maybe isn't going to be the one for you...

Lovely is all well and good...but you never see the guy! Could you drop down to just a fwb deal where you could still date other men?

You are 21/22, I presume he's close to this. You have a 5 year old, he doesn't. He wants to do things people in their early 20s do. You mostly look after your child, I imagine? You both sound nice kind people who care for each other but I don't think it's surprising that you don't really gel in a relationship. I think you you need to let it go. Sorry, it's hard!

@ComtesseDeSpair I don't blame him for wanting to be young. I don't want to be the reason he stops but he insists that being in mine and my little girls life and getting serious is what he wants. I understand we have different priorities. But we do love each other.

@Wanderlusto

The feelings and connection we have built- it wouldn't be possible to just be Fwb. We see eachother every weekend. When my daughters here he'll either go home or stay on sofa and when it's just us ( every other weekend) he'll stay fri-sun.

@pog100 yes I'm 22, he's 23. I spend all my time taking care of my child. Like I said bits hard for me to imagine his lifestyle as that has never been my norm.

[quote lisamari]@pog100 yes I'm 22, he's 23. I spend all my time taking care of my child. Like I said bits hard for me to imagine his lifestyle as that has never been my norm. [/quote]
The same probably applies to him - he's not used to your lifestyle either.

It can't be easy having the prospect of taking on a ready-made family when you are only 23, when most people your age don't have any sort of responsibility like that at all.

Maybe just take things slowly for a while and see how things develop in a few months when we are out of lockdown a bit more.

At his age I just got my first post uni job. No way would I be thinking about kids or settling down.
His delusion is thinking he wants you and your child in his future, but as he only seems to want to spend time with you, not you with your child, is like he's almost pretending she doesn't exist.
He's being your average early 20s guy (or gal). You have a different reality. Either accept it, or move on.

He's young and sees friend when he's at home after work? I don't see the issue? Even if he wasn't young I wouldn't see the issue tbf

@Midlifephoenix
He did,

@Midlifephoenix didn't mean to submit last comment, he does make a lot of effort for my little girl aswell. We do stuff together she's known him a while as my best friend so we do stuff. He tells me we are what he wants.

@lisamari

Ok so I didn't know where else to post; I'm aware this is going to sound ridiculous to some of you but me and my partner haven't been together very long but have been close friends for the past 3 years. He treats me amazing- when he is here(he's my support bubble), however when he's at home I feel like he works, comes home, smokes- as he can't at work- and goes to see his friends. Me getting pregnant at 16 I never had this life revolves around friends and having fun and drinking. I was reluctant to get into anything with him as I knew I wanted something serious but he assured me things would change. I'm still here in the same situation and I feel like I'm nagging and being moody all the time. I don't get to see him during the week as we live a little bit to far and he stays here when my LG has her weekends with her dad. But I just have this feeling that won't budge that I just don't fit into his life as he's just trying to enjoy it and on the other hand I feel as if he has to grow up sometime I just don't want to force it on him. I don't know whether I'm expecting to much, I moved out at 17 and basically raised my daughter alone for the past almost 5 years and he is still at home. I just feel like this is so childish but what do I do? I want to grow and I tell him I want to get back to my study's, work and he says he wants to grow together but I feel we're heading in different directions. I love this man a lot and don't want to make any rash decisions. I have no idea if this makes any sense: brain scramble. Thanks for reading.

I feel like I'm nagging and being moody all the time. - is ALL the information you need to know OP.

If you're in a relationship and you feel like you're not being yourself, you're anxious, moody, always 'nagging', always chasing, don't know where you stand, wish he could just understand...and so on, and so on.

It means you are with the wrong person and you need to move on. It's not your place to change him, or change yourself or make him understand or act as his therapist or anything. Just leave. The right person won't make you feel like that.

Starting to think you're all right. In the space of a day he's spoken to two different women in which he's been sent pictures of them. And told them how attractive he thought said women were& been a shoulder to cry on- he doesn't even know them& has since been out and smoked- in which he said he quit last time- smoked after a week and again this time. I mean what do I actually do fgs.