Family dynamics as dating criteria

[Thehouseofmarvels]

My friend has just had to break up with her boyfriend in part because he was no contact with his whole family. She is a nurse and the combination of nursing though a pandemic and being his only emotional support broke her. He has lots of emotional issues but refused to get professional help. The fact he had no family to turn to was so hard. My friend met him a few years ago as a young student and didn't think to much about it, just that it was a bit if a shame. Now shes been though an hard year she's really felt his lack of family support. We were discussing this and I was wondering how far other women use family dynamics as a criteria for getting serious with someone? It's not something she ever considered when she was last single as a teenager.

As an only child, I made it a criteria not to marry another only child because I wanted a bigger extended family. Luckily DH has a brother and sister with their own families and even though I am obviously nowhere near as close to them as he is, I'm glad they're there, especially for DS's sake as he is also an only.

I don't understand your friend's point of view. I'm in contact with my family, but wouldn't go to them with any personal problems, neither would many of my friends, either because they're not that close to them or the parents are too old.
Personally, I wouldn't want someone who's very close to their family. Last thing I want to do is spend every weekend with the in-laws.

Absolutely. It was important to me that anyone I was in a relationship with had other strong, healthy relationships. They needn't necessarily be blood family relationships, but I would find it very difficult to be someone's only source of support and would definitely have questions about why they had no other string bonds. I also wanted any children I had to have a wide family and friends circle. I think we learn from all of our previous relationships what we do and don't want/need/expect... It's not unreasonable.

Strong bonds 🙄

Gwenhwyfar I think she felt like if he has say a supportive mum he wouldn't have been so totally an utterly reliant on her. He had no friends either which probably didn't help. I think she felt that being somebody's absolutely everything was quite hard. He seemed happy to have just her in his life. Working from home also didn't help as he then became her only social interaction. Things were better before the pandemic as he at least had colleagues. However you are right not everyone is able to go to the family with their problems.

I would be surprised if it's even a majority who can go to family with problems. Yes, when you're early 20s, but later on? You may have moved away so they won't be there for practical issues, may not be the right people for advice or as I mentioned be too old to be able to dump your problems on them.

The issue wasn’t him being NC with his family, the issue was that he used her as an emotional crutch.

I feel like if your friend was really in love with this bloke, things like this wouldn't matter. It sounds like it wasn't his family that was the problem - it was that he had emotional issues he wouldn't seek treatment for & used her like a crutch.

But that could happen whether or not you had family.

I once dated a guy whose entire family was wiped out in a tragic car accident. Imagine being told you aren't good enough to date because your family is dead!

Or that they are narcissistic/toxic & you cut them out to improve your mental health etc

I feel like real genuine love would either see past those things & perhaps even love them more for who they are despite what they've been through

I feel like your friend has been burnt, is feeling a bit jaded right now but in time if she meets someone she clicks with this won't be an issue.

The thing is you think you want something then you get it & it sux

She could find someone with a huge family & they are all so enmeshed & codependent, his mother rules the roost & his sisters despise you. What then?

@Gwenhwyfar

I don't understand your friend's point of view. I'm in contact with my family, but wouldn't go to them with any personal problems, neither would many of my friends, either because they're not that close to them or the parents are too old. Personally, I wouldn't want someone who's very close to their family. Last thing I want to do is spend every weekend with the in-laws.

I agree with this. I’d probably have been put off by his ‘emotional issues’ early on in the relationship — and I’d certainly be put off by a total lack of friends — but I simply don’t recognise this version of reality where family are required for ‘support’ in adulthood. I’m very fond of my parents and siblings, but it would no more occur to me to seek ‘support’ from them than it would to fly — this doesn’t mean I’m leaning on DH, or my friends, emotionally, either. By and large I sort my own stuff out.

Surely the issue with your friend’s boyfriend was not that he was NC with family, but that he was emotionally needy and dumped it all on her?