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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Why do I feel like this?

19 replies

SkyLine123 · 21/03/2021 19:18

Didn't know where to post, thought best on here. I definitely can't speak to anyone I know like friends and family about this. So this is why I'm posting on here. I need to just get it out.
I want to leave, my partner my boys. This idea comes into my head everyday. I leave for work everyday and think how I could just not return home. I don't know what makes me think like this. I feel awful of course I love my sons but most days I feel trapped. I feel consumed by the idea of leaving. I get tempted to message a friend to ask to stay for a while but I think of the consequences, my boys will miss me they need me they rely on me. Its a constant battle everyday fighting against these thoughts. I've told partner how i feel that I want to leave, I don't think he quite understands how serious I am. He says I don't feel like that deep down, I definitely do. I have spoke to a doctor too they put it down to depression although I never carried on seeing the gp. I don't feel depressed. I feel stuck in a rut and I don't know why.

OP posts:

NeverRTFT · 21/03/2021 19:20

Is your relationship healthy on the surface? Do you and your partner treat each other well? Are you friends?
You do sound depressed. It would be a good idea to go back to the GP to follow up. How long have you felt like this?

ForwardRanger · 21/03/2021 19:22

You're unhappy and you want out.

What do you do that is just for you, not for your family?

Original poster

SkyLine123 · 21/03/2021 19:33

Me and my partner argue at times like all couples, money, the kids, bills etc. But overall I think we are OK. Most days I feel numb not sad. I don't do much that is just for me to be honest. Only time I get to myself is at work which is only part time

OP posts:

KirstenBlest · 21/03/2021 19:36

It sounds like you are depressed. Speak to your GP.

ForwardRanger · 21/03/2021 19:45

Only time I get to myself is at work which is only part time

That sounds difficult. Everyone needs their own thing, connections with people and interests as well as physical activity.

How long have you felt like this?

PersimmonTree · 21/03/2021 19:47

You answered your own question OP. Not making time for yourself and so you feel unfulfilled. It's a necessity to find what makes you tick, what makes you happy just for you, apart from other people. Sounds like the part of you that's been ignored is shouting for attention.

What is it you want to do? Hobby? Learning something new? Retraining? Something house related? Pets? Something you used to do for yourself but gave up on? Or are you the one doing everything for your family and feel like they are taking you for granted?

Maybe ask yourself those questions and wait for the answers.

Original poster

SkyLine123 · 21/03/2021 19:57

I've felt like this the past couple of years. I took a new job role at work, I've tried hobbies like adult colouring books, baking ,online gaming to have others to chat away with, I swapped out public transport to walking to work. And I still feel the same. If anything the more time I have on my own the more I'm thinking about leaving

OP posts:

samedaydifferent · 21/03/2021 20:00

You said yourself @SkyLine123 your GP thinks it might be depression but you never went back for help.
I think it's time you do.

Wanderlusto · 21/03/2021 20:14

Heaven forbid a woman should want to fly free, there must be something wrong with her.

I'd be buying a campervan and fucking off for a week or two. Hubby could do the same when I get back. Kids dont need two parents with them all the time.

It might be that the relationship has ran its course. It might be that you are depressed. Or it could just be that you are human and - theres more to life than this.

So long as you make it clear to your kids that you're just in need of some free time and they havent done anything wrong and they are loved, then they'll be absolutely fine.

Of course you might have to get divorced when you get back. But heyho, it wasnt working for you anyway.

Theres more to you than being a mum. And there is nothing wrong with you

Wanderlusto · 21/03/2021 20:30

well, there might be something wrong with you ...but not for wanting to get out of the jail cell lifestyle lol.

lifejusthappens · 21/03/2021 20:33

I had a period like this during lockdown. I’m a mum to a toddler, I work part time (2 days a week) and have spent most of my time just at home trying to entertain my kid for the best part of a year now. I felt like I was in this huge rut, that this just wasn’t the life I wanted and that I’d never be happy. I remember vividly wanting to just get in the car and drive away from my husband and son and never look back. I was convinced I wasn’t depressed and that I’d just made a mistake and made the wrong choices in my life.

A few weeks later I had a full on breakdown. The crisis team got involved, my mum had to come and stay and look after my toddler. I absolutely fell apart. I was put on anti depressants and have now started counselling. I’ve been on the medication for a few months now and it’s made a huge difference. Counselling helped me acknowledge the problem wasn’t that I’d stopped loving my partner and my son, but that I’d stopped really feeling anything. I’d gone into survival mode, just getting through the day, for so long during lockdown that I just kind of, broke, myself. My counsellor said they’ve advised countless people during the past year about ending relationships/marriages and it’s a toss up, some people lockdown has shown them that they need to leave, whereas others, and in my case, lockdown has gone on for so long that it feels semi normal, and we feel unfulfilled, bored and miserable and rather than acknowledging it’s this situation causing that, we convince ourselves it our lives and make decisions we otherwise wouldn’t of.

I’m not saying you’re the same as me, but I am surprised by how I’ve felt and the things that have come out with counselling. Relate’s online live chat with a counsellor got me through some hard days until my proper counselling started. Message me if you want to talk, it does sound fairly similar to how I’ve felt.

Original poster

SkyLine123 · 21/03/2021 20:44

Maybe I'm dwelling on the past here I dunno but last time asked for space and days to myself I was accused of cheating as I was acting distant in partners opinion. I didn't want to cause any unnecessary paranoia. He hasn't accused me since but I felt awful I had asked like I was actually doing something wrong.

OP posts:

Original poster

SkyLine123 · 21/03/2021 20:51

@lifejusthappens yes I can relate to some of that, most days if I ignore how I feel I end up feeling nothing. But I've been feeling like this before the lockdowns and covid.

OP posts:

lifejusthappens · 21/03/2021 20:57

[quote SkyLine123]@lifejusthappens yes I can relate to some of that, most days if I ignore how I feel I end up feeling nothing. But I've been feeling like this before the lockdowns and covid.[/quote]
Honestly, seeing as there are children involved, and provided there is no sort of abuse of any sort coming from your partner, I would look into counselling before making any decisions, medication if needed, but definitely counselling. It got to a point I just couldn’t figure out what I wanted at all, I didn’t understand my own thoughts and was completely lost and I’m still not back to how I was previously but I’m worlds better and interested in my family and life again. I was adamant I wasn’t depressed. It would be a shame for you to walk away saying the same and then realise too late that you were. Seek help, get clarity and then act.

Time40 · 21/03/2021 21:03

last time asked for space and days to myself I was accused of cheating as I was acting distant in partners opinion

That's an unkind and deeply unhelpful accusation for him to make, OP. Next time, don't "ask" for some space and days for yourself - just take it, because it sounds as if you really need it. Maybe he can be made to understand that you're not "cheating" ... and if he can't, then maybe you will have to think about leaving him. It sounds as if he's making you feel extremely trapped - no wonder you feel that you want to leave.

ForwardRanger · 21/03/2021 21:03

All the things you list sound quite solitary, what about connecting with people? Socially distanced walk, zoom chats.
Connections are important.

BrilliantBetty · 21/03/2021 21:18

If you left your partner, ended that relationship, would you have to leave your kids? You could split custody and go 50:50. Half the week to yourself and still be there for the DC.

Not ideal but definitely don't leave them altogether.

Borntohula · 21/03/2021 21:34

Where do you think you would go, exactly? What would you be doing that's different to what you're doing now?

Tiredofthisxyz · 21/03/2021 21:55

*Heaven forbid a woman should want to fly free, there must be something wrong with her.

I'd be buying a campervan and fucking off for a week or two. Hubby could do the same when I get back. Kids dont need two parents with them all the time.*

I've been thinking about doing this a lot recently - purchasing a camper van just for me (too costly at the moment) and going away on my own for a week...eldest is 12 - I've never had a night away accept when in hospital. I am seriously looking at going away on a retreat connected to my hobby during the next couple of years.

In my case I am perimenopausal and have relationship issues. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed. I've accepted (for various reasons) that I am staying put and I'm going to try and improve my social life/extend hobbies/improve fitness and generally try and put myself first a bit more. Hoping this is going to help my level of happiness. I've definitely got the 'is this it?' feeling.

Hope you get some answers soon.

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