Getting over a relationship - help!

[Luckycat17]

Hello all,
I’ve posted here about my relationship before, but I was just wondering if anyone had any advice.
Long story short, in my eyes (as there’s always two sides to a story) my partner wasn’t very good to me, v avoidant, never put me first and then blamed me for when I brought issues up as causing conflict. Said I never created a safe space for him to bring up issues (I did honestly try and I tried to change how we communicated a lot). He also did a couple of really weird things to me, including creating a spreadsheet of my flaws, left me in a dangerous situation, just never sort of did the things that I’d have done as second nature.

I knew this in the relationship but I would have honestly done anything for him - I loved him with my entire soul and I know he loved me, but couldn’t act on it properly sometimes. I was heartbroken when we broke up and still am - utterly crushed. We were friends first for years and i just thought we’d be amazing together and we were in a lot of ways, but he almost couldn’t handle responsibility and I ended up getting blamed for a lot that went wrong (eg no affection, me bringing it up but then that getting perceived as always picking fights).

Problem is, I know in my head that 1) he wasn’t great to me and 2) he doesn’t want to be with me, he broke up with me. But I can’t stop thinking about him, and getting upset about it. It doesn’t feel normal or healthy - I almost feel like I’ve lost all my measure on whether or not I’m a good person, I’m worried I was abusive and somehow blanked it out, I’ve lost any ability to see whether I’m being unreasonable in emotional situations (like if I’m overreacting or being too sensitive, or only thinking of myself?). I felt hard to love in the relationship and I still do now.

I still wake up feeling sick - and long story short, I want it to stop. Does anyone have any tips? My only way forward at the min is therapy, because I was really tearing myself up with the worry that I’d sort of blanked out a lot of terrible things I’d done and was only remembering his red flags. I’m also trying to just not think about him all the time, move forward, be happy alone. It just feels so hard and my gut emotions are just wrenching all the time.

I don’t really know why I can’t just see it for what it was, but does anyone have any advice? after we broke up, to my now-shame I sent a lot of texts about things he’d done that I’d carried with me and was upset about, but because of those texts he now refuses to engage with me for any closure or anything like that (again, it’s a habit to put responsibility back on me. Not saying it’s right to bombard an ex with texts but it was literally a day afterwards)

Hey OP. I’m sorry that you are suffering following your break up.

Reading your description of the relationship, it sounds dysfunctional and he sounds difficult to be in a relationship with. He created a spreadsheet of your flaws??! I don’t know what the hell that’s all about, but I hope you can see that’s not normal.

I think you need to cut yourself some slack. Many of your actions will have been in direct response to his odd behaviours. That’s not to absolve you completely, we all make mistakes at times. But you can only deal with what’s in front of you at the time.

A break up in the middle of lockdown is really tough as you can’t do a lot of the things that you normally would. Try to distract yourself as much as you can though, eat well, and exercise. When your thoughts stray to him, be kind to yourself. What’s done is done, try to learn from it but accept that the two of you weren’t meant to be.

Keep posting here too if it helps 💐

Break ups in lockdown are hard, you can't just move on as quickly but hopefully with some normality coming soon you will do, time is a healer.

You have to accept that it just didn't work, you are not to blame for everything but can learn from mistakes you have made.
You can't change him or the situation.
Sometimes we can get stuck in a bad relationship well past it's sell by date and it can make both people behave disrespectfully towards each other, it's for the best the relationship has ended so you can heal learn from it and move on.

‘He refuses to give any closure’. So firstly he doesn’t owe you closure and I suspect this is what is holding you back. A break up is a break up. It’s hard, it’s painful. It’s not his responsibility to ease the pain. That’s only going to come with time and lots of distraction.

A lot of people say that writing a list of pros and cons helps to put things into perspective and knock that person off of a pedestal in your head. Perhaps try that.

Thanks everyone. It’s just a hard time and I know that

@autumnalrain I never get why people reply to threads in a snarky way when someone is asking for emotional help

Honestly not snarky , it’s just blatantly obvious that the first step is to go no contact and not reopen your wounds?

@Luckycat17 I'm so sorry your going through this its an absolute horrible pain bit inreally think the whole closure thing is anything there is nothing he can say to make the break up easier. Unfortunately the only thing is to give it time and try to keep a routine of some sort which I know is easier said than done. I found walking therapeutic id walk for hours until I was physically exhausted so it took the edge off my emotional pain.

The one piece of advice I offer is try to do things that you feel you can't face like going for a coffee or a ramble around a supermarket I know you won't feel like doing these things but it will help get you out of your house and help distract you.

Also I don't think @autumnalrain was being sarky with you I think they were being matter of fact and giving you a different perspective. They are right your ex doesn't owe you any "closure" because the second he end it he had closed the book on it and as much as it hurts you deserve someone who wants to be with you