Long-term singledom (not by choice)

[LemonMeringueThreePointOneFour]

Just interested in how other people cope with the various aspects of this. I've been on my own for 15 years, other than a few liaisons that never got off the ground.

Lack of sex: FWB? Vibrator? Put it out of your mind?
Loneliness: Spend lots of time with friends (not easy in lockdown)? Hobbies? Netflix? Pet?
Feeling of not really belonging to society: Therapy? Hang out with other single people?

Obviously I've thought of all the things I've listed, and tried them all. But that doesn't stop me feeling frustrated, feeling like a failure, feeling miserable (not always, but sometimes), having no-one to spend special occasions with or go on holiday with.

At the moment I feel very angry about life, and have no patience at all. I don't think this is a very healthy state of mind.

NB I'm also childless (again, not by choice) and in my forties.

Anyone?

I’m similar in lots of ways. 40s and no kids, long term single. I concentrate on shaping my life to make myself as happy as possible. Tried OLD but found it hideous and it really knocked my confidence so now I try not take a more pragmatic approach. I’m open to meeting someone, go out when I might not always feel like it, also do the odd bit of volunteering and things where I might meet someone with similar interests - but I don’t do it to try to meet someone, I do it to have fun and make myself happy. I once heard that you can’t make someone else responsible for your happiness and I try to live by that now. I’m making my own cake - if someone else comes along and turns out to be the cherry, great - but I’ll always have the cake!

But sometimes yes, it’s shit. But then I’m sure everyone has days when they wish their life was different.

Not sure if this applies to me as I have children but I’ve been single for 4 years not through choice, I can’t date as I’m a lone parent so no help with my children so makes dating impossible, I don’t have many friends either so no one to socialise with. I try to keep busy the best I can and well sex I just have to forget about that!

I’ve been mostly single for the last nearly 10 years and am in my early forties. However I have a busy job that I find fulfilling, and went through ivf last year with a sperm donor so am now 7 weeks pregnant. Not had sex in 3 years and honestly couldn’t say I’m that bothered, but I do miss hugs, especially since the pandemic enforced social distancing from everyone except my parents who are my bubble. For me, being single doesn’t define me, it’s just a social state I happen to be in right now. My life has plenty of value in other areas. It would be nice to share some of that with someone lovely, but I’m ok with things as they are at the moment.

I'm similar to you

It's taken a few years to reach the "acceptance" stage

What do I do

Vibrator (although I'm often sad afterwards)

Say yes to everything

Consciously count my blessings

Allow myself a cry in the car when I see couples doing coupley things. There's nothing wrong with that

And ignore all the week meaning tosspots who spout cliches like "you'll meet someone when you're not looking" and "try OLD, you'll definitely find someone ". Load of shite guaranteed to make you feel like a failure

Overall. Do what you want to do. Enjoy it. Embrace it

When I was single I often used to think I would have liked to live with other single women just so we could share the crap moments, the mundane boring shit (sorting out a leaky pipe sort of thing) and have someone near me I could laugh with and just be there to keep each other company. A commune of like-minded people really appealed and I know other single friends who thought it would tick most of their boxes.

Failing that, I made sure I got out every day walking my dogs, went to the gym, volunteered, said yes to invitations which I didn’t always fancy and just tried to make the best of my life.

Looking back I didn’t know how lovely my life really was. Yes I was sometimes lonely, doing all the DIY and decorating was a ball ache (often roped in other single friends to help and I returned the favour) and I really missed proper sex. However there were positives and I made friends with a gang of women online who were in a similar position. We are all still friends today (regularly meet up when we can) though many are now married with kids. However not everyone is and the single women all seem to have much more interesting and busy lives than those who are settled down with a partner or kids.

I guess what I am trying to say OP, is you have to make peace with the fact your life isn’t how you may have imagined it would be. Being single or not you are still you and deserve to be happy. Find out what things really make you happy and do them. Build a good network of friends around you (not easy at the mo) and reach out to people when you need support.

I have felt loads better about it since I started reading about all the awful relationships on Mumsnet. I feel immense gratitude for my freedom and I often think about all my ancestors who would have given so much to have the freedom I do. Cats also help. And travel.

Cats do help, yes. Travel not so much lately!