My mother.. help?

[FTEngineerM]

Oh wise MN, can you help?

My DM has never been the overly maternal type, the list of examples is long but nobody wants to read that so one example would be me using her perfume before school when I was 7. She caught me at screeched ‘sneaky bitch’ whilst marching me to my dad, who’d bought her the perfume. He tried to calm everything and explain I was just a child and it was just a squirt of perfume, he’ll get her another bottle if she wants.

She decided to move 2.5 hours away as I entered my teens and their marriage broke down soon after, she came home on weekends and my dad didn’t think that was conducive to the family life he wanted.

Anyway she then moved 4 hours away (from me in the original location), I had a baby last year and all through the pregnancy she kept saying things like ‘you’ll understand how much I love you and how I am the way I am with you when he’s here’ and similar things. It’s the opposite, I keep thinking why an earth would you leave your child on the cusp of teenagedom but I try not to show her that because she’ll obviously get upset.

She became very over baring after DC1and continuously gave bitchy comments when ever me or DP did something or made a parenting decision. The last time I saw her it was kind of the last straw, I’d recently given up BFing after battling with 10 wake ups a night for months thinking I was doing the right thing and she poked my nipple and said ‘gosh, they’re saggy, what an earth has breastfeeding done to you’ (I wasn’t wearing a bra because I was only 4-5 days into FF so I was petrified of getting mastitis. Then she laughed smugly, ‘and DC has got allergies anyway, ha, all that effort ey?!’. Amongst other things..

Now I’m expecting DC2 and I’ve started pulling up my big girl pants and telling her when I feel she’s being out of order. Sense checking sometimes with DP because he’s been there and seen it all in action. She decided to ignore me for 6 weeks after me raising concerns over the last visit, then text DP (!!!) on Mother’s Day asking what’s wrong with me because I haven’t sent a card?! But my long heart pouring message from 6 weeks ago went unanswered.

Since then I explained why there was no card, how I’m feeling and what not. Still no apology or acceptance that she may have done something that upset me, so I left it. Concentrating on my life/family is far better than thinking about that all the time. Few days later a looooong text explaining she is like this because my Nan (dads Mum) used to ‘chirp in’ whenever she made a parenting decision and it’s just what parents do.

A low blow for me really, to give context, my Nan travelled on two buses every day for years to get to us before 8am so mum could do a degree. Then when she decided to disappear 2.5 hours away she would come every week and tidy my room/clean the house/cook a roast/get me a magazine and have a chat. To then criticise the woman who stepped up in so many ways when she stepped down seems so nasty and defensive.

Now she’s texting about missing DC and can she have photos, upset she hasn’t seen his face and things like that. I really don’t want to send them, my children come as a package with me. Am I being a selfish arse hole? She can happily get them from MiL Facebook or any other family member she has online. Is it just a way of contacting me? Seems to be, she’s never asked before and she lasted 6 bloody weeks when it suited her conscience.

No, you're not being selfish. Consider blocking her if she continues. She's all about herself.

You might find the Stately Homes thread useful, as it's for the adult children of toxic parents.

OP, I would advise going no contact with your mother. You have suffered enough of her selfishness and poison, surely.
She has shown no sign of remorse or repentance for her behaviour, and seems to have treated her own mother as a convenience, dumping her mothering duties onto granny while you were young.
What do you actually get from your relationship with your mother? Insults, criticism, sulking, neglect? What does that do to your self esteem and happiness? Do you think that is a normal or desirable mum/daughter relationship?
Your mother seems to have narcissistic traits- everything is about her, and people are just there to be used and abused. Such people will never accept blame or meet you halfway. Cut your losses, OP.

Your mother is abusive as well as supremely selfish and toxic.

You all need to stay away from her; she was not a good parent to you at all when you were growing up and she has not fundamentally changed since that time either. What sort of mother calls their 7 year old daughter a "sneaky bitch" also for trying her mother's perfume?.

Its not your fault your mother is like this and you did not make her that way either. She will never apologise to you nor accept any responsibility for her actions. What if anything else do you know about her own childhood, that often gives clues.

How do you feel about your mother now; is there also a mix of fear, obligation and guilt?. I would also suggest you read and post on the current "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these Relationships pages; think you would fit right in there. It may also be an idea to read "Toxic Parents" by Susan Forward.

You will ultimately need to grieve for the relationship you should have had rather than the one you actually got. If other family members are nice and importantly emotionally healthy then I would concentrate efforts on them. You owe her absolutely nothing not least of all a relationship.

You have tried, it hasn't worked, because she just isn't willing to accept her mistakes.

I've been here with my in-laws. In the end we just went NC. They contact from time to time, snarky messages which don't get a response. We've decided if they wish to be part of our DS' life, they need to respect us as his parents.

It's unfortunate but we don't feel we've done anything wrong and family members have agreed (not that it matters but it helps).

You haven't done wrong either. Be strong. She either steps up and treats you the way you wish to be treated, or she loses you all.

Take a step back.

it's taken me a year to come to the same conclusion myself by the way. I think, I'm about to non-dramatically be not in contact with my parents. they just keep defending their right to have hurt me. I have spent a year hoping that they would acknowledge they have hurt me. No. They double down on it, become more and more martyred. At the begining of the process, I think it's normal to think ''if I explain it really clearly'' but no. Their defense mechanisms are so reinforced that all your clear explanation does is make them/him/her double down.

''You have tried, it hasn't worked, because she just isn't willing to accept her mistakes.''

This. All the explanations and honest discussions in the world won't get you anywhere. :-(

My mum needs to be RIGHT more than she needs our relationship to be honest and based in reality. We want completely different things. I want to come back to the table as adults and say ''i could have handled x,y and z better and i want her to say the same. But she won't. She wants to continue in the old roles of mother // daughter, summonsing me in to the role of daughter while denying me any communication or connection. It's taken me a year to realise that that is what she wants.

So sorry op. I can't get my head around a parent being so horrible to their own child.

I can only advise no contact. For your sanity. And to protect your dc. She sounds toxic.

You've really tried. You sound an incredible mum. Your nan sounds pretty awesome too.

Someone with better experience can probably advise more I just didn't want to read and run

Oh wow I was expecting to be told I was being selfish by withholding DC pictures.

You’re right @Babdoc I suppose I was hoping for her to say sorry for making you feel that way at least. And then opening a chat about it but it was the opposite, lots of ‘you’ve misconstrued everything’ and then ‘well your nan did this and that’.

Lots of things have become more apparent now I’m a parent I think, I’m only 9 months into parent hood so there’s obviously lots of challenges to come but I can’t imagine leaving at such a critical time. Before I had DC I don’t think I understood fully.

@altlife I completely know what you mean about family members agreeing, when you’re in the situation, it’s hard to take yourself out of it and see it for what it is so when someone from outside says no that’s not on or similar it helps ease the mind. I feel the same with DP I don’t put every contact I have through him of course but when I was sending the message explaining my concerns I made sure I was being as rounded as possible and not unnecessarily ‘finger pointy’.

@AttilaTheMeerkat that’s really interesting you say that, she did have a physically abusive mother, left at 15 and didn’t speak to her after that. It would often come up, along with things like ‘I’d never do that to you’ ‘I’d never be abusive to you’, which isn’t true because she was to my brother when he was a teen. Walloped him with an umbrella because he didnt want to come to a family meal.

@Number3BigCupOfTea such good advice, I think those 6 weeks she decided to not speak to us was a great refresher for me, put a lot into perspective. Usually she’d call or text most days. The difference was quite stark. I’m sorry your parents hurt you, I think that’s the right way to go about it, quietly and you can hold your head up then. I think after reading here I am going to do the same. I hope it brings you some peace.

@isitsafetocomeoutyet that’s the conclusion I’ve come to since becoming a parent. So many times I’ve thought what the hell. I’ve had a tough time with DC and allergies and no sleep (which Mn saved the day on yay) and not once has it crossed my mind to up and leave. Let alone actually doing it.

Thanks for everyone’s perspective, again it helps.