The future with NC DF

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Background info: I’m in my late 40’s, married, 3 DC’s and we are happy .
My Father was abusive in every way towards my mother, as we were ( my DB and I) growing up ! He was verbally and emotionally abusive to us as kids and we lived in fear of him.
DM left him when we were young adults but never actually legally divorced him or anything like that.
I kept contact with him until my late 20’s, just to keep the peace but have had NC for 14 years ! My 3 DC’s have never met him and never will .
Recently he sent a friend request to me on a social media page, after 14 years of NC and no apologies for the hell we went through as kids ! I’m actually fuming since and I’m beginning to wonder about the future ?
If anything happens him, will myself and DB be expected to mind him/ pay for funeral expenses etc .... I hate to think this way and I wish him no harm, but I really do not not wish to pay for his funeral either !
Will my DM’s house be his, if she, God forbid, passes away, because they are still married in the eyes of the law ?
I can’t believe after all these years that he still has a hold over us all! Any advice welcome. Thank you .

No, don't worry, there is no rule that anyone has to look after their parents in old age, or to pay for their funeral. Just because you are related to someone, doesn't mean you have to do anything for them.

Don't even think about accepting his friend request !

If you / your Mum are concerned about what would happen in the future, she could divorce him after all these years. Cut all the ties.

Good luck !

A divorce after this amount of time is pretty straightforward - www.divorce-online.co.uk/blog/5-years-separation-divorce/

If your mum owns her house I would encourage her to make a will leaving it to you and your DB.

Thank you @starrynight21, reading back over my post, I probably sound a bit callous but he is evil personified! What we saw and heard as kids, no child should experience.

Thank you for your kind response, DM is afraid to proceed with divorce as she doesn’t want to anger him. It’s awful, after all these years, that she is totally scared of him and can’t face him

How can one person have such a hold over others !

Thank you @Oblahdeeoblahdoe, I have suggested a will to her previously but she’s slow to do it, not sure why ! We don’t even care who she leaves it too ( her siblings, as it was the family home, grandkids, us ) just as long as it isn’t him .
I’ll have to find a way to guide her . Thank you.

Make your own wills and PoAs and talk to her A LOT about this. Set a good example. Explain what the laws of intestacy are. Talk about your friend or relative X who dropped dead suddenly.

Talk to her about sentimental items and see if you can have a spare key to the house (so that if she, ahem, gifts you them on her deathbed, you can pop round and collect them).

It's really difficult when someone just sticks their head in the sand like this and there is no guarantee you can get her to do the sensible thing and at least make a will, unfortunately. (I've known someone a bit like this who did divorce but never got the financial settlement sorted and didn't sign the new will she'd drafted - so when she died in her mid-50s a 6 year tiresome and expensive legal battle followed. I am still fruitlessly angry about this because frankly the kids are not in a lucrative line of work and, then and now, all the wasted money would have been really helpful. Yes the ex-husband was a true PITA but her lack of action left her kids much worse off.)

Thank you @123344user, that’s an awful situation you described but that’s exactly what I’m afraid may happen down the line. It would kill me to see him get all her assets after the abuse he inflicted on her !

Thank you, yes, maybe leading by example may be an idea and will spur me to get my own affairs in order too.
Thank you

OP would your mum consider counseling from a specialist service, Women's aid have advice on this www.womensaid.org.uk/the-survivors-handbook/emotional-support-and-counselling/
Your poor DM is obviously still living in fear even though she has gotten away, she deserves some peace from him and his abuse and it may in time make her feel strong enough to move forward on a divorce and get her finances settled. I wish you all well.

Thank you @Dontbeme, that’s very good advice and I’ll definitely mention it to her.
We don’t talk that much about the past and we’ve never been open with each other about how it has affected us emotionally, even though I’d consider myself to be very close to DM and DB. I think we all think by not talking about it, we are protecting each other, if that makes any real sense ! I’d hate to open up to her, telling her how it has impacted on me and then for her feel guilty for staying with him for so long and I think she’s probably protecting me too, from knowing the true impact it had on her .

I have told her that myself, DB and my DH would attend any court hearings with her, if they were necessary and speak to a solicitor with her , strength in numbers and all that. She agreed at the time but that was 2 years ago and she hasn’t done anything yet . I suppose it’s not easy to revisit the past .
Thank you again