Do I stay as he stood by me in a massive way a few years a go

[Howlongtofindausernane]

I am a gambling addict, got us into a huge amount of debt (tens of thousands for context) 3 years a go and this is still being payed off. I received counselling from gamcare, put financial controls in place and I have not gambled since. I am in a very good place on that front.

Previous to the gambling things had not been great on the relationship front. We stopped having sex and drifted. We haven't slept together for over 7yrs. Since our last DC was conceived.

I tried talking about this on sooo many occasions but he wouldnt engage, just stayed silent.

The gamcare counselling helped me recognise that I was using the high feelings as the relationship replacement.

I would like to say that the gambling was 100% on me and I do not use the lack of sex as an excuse.

I am completely responsible for the financial mess we are in but him and the DCs are feeling the impact of of it in a major way.

3 years after the gambling we are still in the same position. I have tried talking again, suggesting counselling etc but nothing changes. He has spoken slightly agreeing we need 'to get back in track'. That he still loves me and we can get the intimacy back. Nothing changes.

We get along fine on a daily level but the intimacy has gone and I don't think I love him anymore. I care for him, he is not a bad person and he stood by me massively.

I feel so so bad for even thinking about ending things after what he did for me and that I should stay and accept this. It's not a bad life, we rub along well but I'm not sure it's enough and if he doesn't want an intimate, sexual relationship why doesn't he find someone else. He wants us to remain together.

I do worry that the DCs are seeing this as a normal relationship and this could harm their emotional growth. We don't cuddle, kiss or show each other affection. Are they going to think this is what a normal relationship is?

Do I accept this is my life now?

The kids will be fine- not all couples are demonstrably affectionate in front of other people, including their kids. I wouldn't worry about that as long as you're being respectful and friendly.

I think you need to lay out your cards, tell him you care about him deeply and want this to work but you're going to have to break up if he can't help you get the relationship back on track and then see what happens. Book couples therapy and invite him to it.

Is there any indication of depression or similar? I don't know if you're married or not, but he's taken the, 'in sickness and in health' thing really seriously and stood by you and I do think you owe it to each other, yourself and the DC to try absolutely everything in your power to get the relationship back on track before calling it a day.

Ime resentment has ruined your relationship.. Time to call it a day.

We are married and are respectful and friendly on an every day level. Have actually got along soo much better during lock down which I wasn't expecting as we have both been WFH full time for the year.

There are no signs of depression however there are health issues that is probably causing ED and I think he is to embarrassed to discuss this with a doctor.

It's interesting that resentment has been mentioned as I have certainly held resentment about the refusal to discuss in the past. I think counselling has helped me let go of that to an extent and now I feel sad that we are in this position.

He hasn't mentioned any resentment towards me directly but he must do with what I did and the position it has put him in financially. Lately he has been slightly frustrated with the lack of funds we have. That I totally understand and i do feel so so bad as I put him in that position.

I totally agree with this

The kids will be fine- not all couples are demonstrably affectionate in front of other people, including their kids. I wouldn't worry about that as long as you're being respectful and friendly.

Divorce is awful and traumatic even when the decision to end it is unavoidable. (I left my ex due to abuse)

I think the fact you two have so much you are still getting right that it is worth really working on this for a bit longer.

I guess my problem is I don't know how to start working on the problem if he isn't willing to work with me.

Feels like he is burying head in sand wanting to leave things as they are.

Then I think you need to shock him. Speak plainly, "coldly"that you cannot envision a lifetime of this and unless he engages with changing it you will have to split. You have to mean it though. Just be clear and kind.

If you are still getting on well despite being cloistered together in lockdown, you have something worth hanging on to.

Is there any way of earning something (more?), even in a small way. Visible effort on this may ease the sting of resentment.

Try being a little bit tactile. Rub his shoulders if he looks weary. Drop a kiss on his brow as you walk past. Give his hand a squeeze if he looks sad. No pressure, just affection. Small things, take it slowly. Expect this to take many months, maybe a couple of years.