Feeling really trapped just need a rant really

[Yorkteapot21]

Please be gentle I am only posting as I have literally no one to help/talk to about this I just kind of need to write it all down!

I am so fed up with what I can best describe as my situation. Been with dp for 16 years have a 2 dcs I was only 16 when we got together. I feel I have changed so much but he hasn’t.

I had a miscarriage about 10 years ago and went off it. He showed me no support and badgered me till I gave in this became a regular thing until it escalated into him touching me when I was sleeping and I’m fairly sure using lube on me (sorry Tmi!! ) I woke up feeling sticky a few times and found hidden bottles with the labels ripped off under the bed. If I woke up he denied it and acted like I was crazy. If I let him stay over he tries to do this again he can’t tell me why he does just if I loved him I would want to do it with him. He regularly will bully me in to sex by saying this and saying to do it to prove it not sleeping with others (I’m most defnitly not !!!!)

This went on for years until I eventually told him to leave (my house through inheritance ) and he went to live with his mother. Around 3 years ago.

He has ambition whatsoever says he can’t see anything beyond “fixing us”. He says I’m the cause of his moods if I just let him live with me it would be different.

Our lives consist of him phoning me to argue he feels sad cause he doesn’t live with me at about 7 at them every evening after work he either comes and sits in my house in silence for hours and gets upset when I tell him to leave or not letting him come around and him phoning me every 2 hours to tell me how unhappy he is. If I don’t answer he keeps phoning or will turn up to check I’m “ok”

The problem is when I say I don’t want this “relationship” anymore he cry’s and gets hysterical if I say it’s over so I’m scared to. Says he will kill himself as he has nothing to live for. Saying he will never see the kids again if I end it. I believe him unless his family forced him and then I am all alone with no support with the kids at all my family’s either dead or not interested I don’t have any friend’s that help me with the kids either he drove them away so I literally feel on my own.

I know no one can really help me but I just wanted to write this down I’m feeling pretty low today I feel totally trapped I think if I had family to support me it wouldn’t be like this but I’m wasting my life on a situation I can’t escape from other than if I deprive my dc of a dad or go far away from my job / friend's etc...

He says a lot doesn't he my lovely, but What do YOU say? What do YOU want?

You are still very young, do you want this for the rest of your life? No? Good.
Ignore his emotional blackmailing. He is responsible for his own life, his own actions, NOT YOU. Him saying he will kill himself is just talk designed to pull you back into line so that he can control you and get what he wants. They all say/do it. Don't let him do this to you, BREAK FREE.

Block him on your phone and also in every other aspect of your life, and then enjoy the peace. You can then begin to plan YOUR life, YOUR way, using YOUR decisions.
Do this and you will find that you're NOT trapped, and you HAVE got support on here.

Start your new life. TODAY!

OP make no wonder you are so upset.First of all you are right this is not a relationship to be in at all.He is dangerous and treats you horribly.You need to end this for your own sanity. He is blackmailing you with the I will kill myself rubbish,You are in the midst of on eo fthe most abusive relationships I have ever heard about,So my advice end it sooner rather than later,Change the locks to your house and if he wants to see the kids its done under supervision at a contact center.This way you know he is not at liberty to twist them and emotionally abuse them too. Your life with him sounds horrific.Please for your sake ring Womens Aid its free and they wont judge just get some advice on how to make a break and see what options are going forward for you.It sounds like you have been seriously abused and they are right there to support you. I promise you it will be the very best phone call you will ever make.This man does not love you he is evil and a monster and uses control to keep you where you are its just terrible.

Well done for getting him to leave. He's an abusive arsehole and doesn't deserve that relationship with you.
Now it's time to take the next step and get him out of your life entirely.

Block his number, don't answer the door and call the police if he won't go away.

If he wants to see the kids then he can sort that out via the courts. You have no obligation to him after he's treated you so badly. He won't kill himself, it's all manipulation to get you to do what he wants.

Also OP you can get a legal injunction out against him so if he contacts you or comes to your house he will be arrested ...these are very good to use to keep yourself protected

Thanks for your replies.
He has a big family and they turn against me when I try and stand up to him I spoke to the police before and they made things worse.

I struggle to recognise its abusive as I genuinely think he’s doing things out of what he sees as love but to me it’s more like obsession with me. I know it is though.

My mum died when I was very young I just wish I had one to support me everything feels very lonely how do other people move on and share custody and not keep upsetting each other why can’t that be us?

No I don’t want this for the rest of my life but while the kids are young I don’t think it’s possible to be completely free!

I have a responsible job and am financially comfortable I don’t think anyone would believe the mess my life is if I told them .

It's abuse regardless of what's going on in his head. Pretty extreme abuse actually.

Life will never get better while you stay entangled with him and continuing to be abused.

Have you spoken to Women's Aid? Freedom Programme?

No I haven’t how would woman’s aid help? Have thought of counselling but nit sure how to access that either

Please take heed of the other respondents.

I am sorry to read about your late mother. It may be worth your while contacting CRUSE. I am certain she would be horrified to see her DD and in turn her grandchildren being abused by this man who targeted you to control you utterly. You feeling isolated was all his doing; his intention all along was to control you.

Counselling for you solely would be an excellent idea and Womens Aid may be able to help in that respect. You may also want to read "Why does he do that?" by Lundy Bancroft.

DO NOT embark on joint counselling with your abuser; this is never recommended where there is abuse of any type within the relationship. You would co-operate but he never does because he is abusive and he gets his own family onside against you too. His abusive nature is why he will never be amicable ever towards you and he could try and use your children to turn them against you too. Please keep them well away from him. If he was any sort of a good dad to them he would never have abused you as their mother.

BACP are a good website to use re counselling but again DO NOT EMBARK ON joint counselling with him under any circumstances.

Talking to women's aid would help you understand you are in an abusive situation. He is manipulating you and sexually abusing you.

Break up with him. If he threatens suicide you can report that to the police. He is not your problem but he doesn't want to let you go

OP I hear how vulnerable you are,This is not you,its how he has made you feel.You gave birth to your children,that makes you a very strong woman.You are strong,way tougher than you think you are,You made a life for your own children despite the heartbreak of loosing your own mum you run a home too...you are a shining example of courage and bravery to continue and make a life after such a loss.If a friend came to you and said all you had said what would you advise her? I reckon no way possible would you say accept it and stay where you are.You wouldnt,So now is the time to come out fighting for you and for your childrens futuresand that starts with getting rid of him.You can choose to be a victim or you can choose to live a lovely life without fear with your children.He will destroy you if you allow him to stay and he will destroy your kids as they get older and more understanding,You simply cannot let this happen.Let the police/courts anyone deal with him and his family you do not have to nor should you live in fear of any of them,Reach out fo rhelp for you for your kids and do it today. Otherwise he keeps winning and their is no life for you andyour children ever,he will see to that...He wil steal every good memory and take every ounce of goodness out of your life,dont let him.