I've posted here before about this. It's something that is a constant concern for me but it periodically becomes unmanageable and I post. The advice has always been to seek therapy.
In a (very large) nutshell, I was abused emotionally and physically growing up. The physical abuse stopped when I left home at 18, the emotional abuse didn't stop until I cut contact in my late 30s.
Of all the things I was told about myself being shamefully unattractive/ugly and criticisms about my appearance in general are the ones that I find most difficult to deal with now.
Nothing escaped it from the colour of my hair to the size of my feet. Unfortunately, I can't escape what I look like. I can't hide or mask it and I can't change it as maybe I can do with other things. I can't bear to look at myself some days because it elicits such strong feelings of disgust.
I don't say anything because I like to at least pretend that other people don't see what my mother saw. And I don't want to hear that they do. I never ask anyone how I look for example.
There was a photo of me when I was about 15. I liked it and thought I looked quite nice on it but i felt such shame at my mother's scorn that I focused on all the things she criticised and used it to teach myself not to think that way again. Seeing photos of myself still makes me feel very anxious now. It's a very unpleasant, visceral response and quite upsetting. I'm scared of the truth.
I'm disgusted with myself that she was able to think and say those things about me; I'm angry with her for making it the most important thing about me; and Im ashamed that others can see it too.
It's pervasive. I can never escape from it. It influences how I interact with others and underpins almost every decision I make. I know I'm not pretty and I should be ok with it. I just wish it didn't matter so much.
I've just started therapy for it and wondered if anyone else had had success in therapy for such intense negative feeling about themselves. I'm hopeful but fearful at the same time.