Regardless of what I do, there is always something to pick on

[ConfusedPartner]

So I am married man for a few years and as any couple there is ups and downs. Unfortunately there has been a lot of downs, but I love my wife more than I did when we met.
We have 2 young kids which are head wreckers, but hearts of gold.
Anyway, I am not looking for sympathy but advice as I would imagine there is plenty of people in same situation as us these days.
My wife is an extremely good person when I feel I do what I think she wants me to do, but the minute I drift my own “man” way, there is always a comment or a look that no person should get.

In the start those comments I took to heart and rectified, but now it has become into arguments. I feel she doesn’t care or think there is a second opinion about situations and we always end up getting to the stage of no talk, evening ruined and back to square 1. It’s a bit like two steps forward and 3 steps backwards.

My wife is a lovely person and a beautiful woman, I actually can’t praise her enough. The only thing is when the second side of her comes out and all her anger that builds up throughout the day is all coming back on me. Even if it isn’t my fault(sometimes). I feel I try my best, put in effort to keep marriage going but also have my faults like any other human being. If it is my fault, I put my hand up and take it as a man if needs be. But I can’t shake of this feeling that, it’s like it isn’t enough for her. I can’t get her to understand that trying my best is all I can give. Isn’t that what it’s all about? Trying your best?

After a while in the marriage, love fades unfortunately and intimacy quickly dies off. When trying to put the spark back in, it’s always a if/what or but. I just wish she could understand all I want is to make her feel the way we felt when we got married. Happy, just want her happy......

We have talked, cried and argued in all different directions. But outcome seems to always be, I am wrong, she is right and that’s it. So over the past few months, I’ve lost a massive interest in putting in effort trying to make her happy in between work, kids, everyday life and trying to survive in this bloody pandemic!

So my big question is, how can I get her to understand I am trying my best and how can I get her to see that I still love her to the moon.

Please look at this with an open mind, as I’ve stated, I know I’ve been wrong in many ways, but I’ve also tried to apologise and rectify where it’s needed.

Thanks for listening to a man with a not so big smile on his face today.

Oh my! Are you my OH 😂. I don’t know what to say to help other than, she is probably fed up of cooking, cleaning etc and possibly resentful if she is anything like me?!

What about a romantic gesture? Something she would like that would make her feel special. Nothing expensive, breakfast in bed, if you know she is say for instance cleaning bathrooms etc, do it instead. Make her tea, something she likes. She is more than lightly exhausted, fed up of lockdown, and just needs to feel special? That’s what I would want anyway!

Is she working or wfh? How old are kids?

You know you say after the last few months your fed up of making an effort, do you think possibly she feels you don’t care anymore? I don’t know, it’s just a thought

Perhaps your version of "trying your best" and reality are miles apart. What is your wife upset about, exactly?

Can you give us a hint as to what dw said in all the conversations and upsets?
Is she lonely or resentful of the daily routine? Is she ok that intimacy has died? Is she overwhelmed with work, dc and pandemic?

To give you constructive advice it would help to have some examples of what causes these looks / comments / arguments.

What does ‘drift in my own “man” way’ actually mean? You seem curiously reluctant to give actual instances of the behaviour by you which is causing her annoyance.

You haven't given us the remotest clue what everyone is actually annoyed about.

What is trying your best? Unless you're contributing at least 50% of everything that needs doing if you both work and if she doesn't then 50% of what there is left to do when you're not at work, then your best isn't good enough.

Can you give examples of the things she gets annoyed about?

Do you happen to have ‘your own man time’ and she never ever gets a time on her own (yes even when she tells you she’s fine as is, when was the last time you actually took care of the house all day and she went into town for a takeaway coffee and cake? So when she got back she just gave the kiddies a good night kiss and had a spotless house waiting for her)

Honestly OP - get to the point! If you live like you write I'm not surprised you are driving your wife up the wall. Do you do anything or do you mainly talk about things?

What are these mysterious man ways she doesn’t like?

All the man ways! Your wife sounds like me in many ways. Trying to be nice and supportive but resentful by half arsed attempts at 'helping' rather than taking true responsibility for half the tasks and mental loud of the household. Unfortunately men often do 10% and expect a parade for their efforts.

Difficult to tell what's going on without any examples of what you argue about.

Also, if you've given up trying for the last few months, you can't really expect her to believe you're doing your best. Cos you ain't.

Why the waffle? No idea what you're trying to ask at this point.

@ConfusedPartner be aware that this forum has a strong anti-man bias, where if the genders are reversed the responses would be very different, so bear this in mind with some replies.

Your situation is actually a good stage to get counselling (use Relate or similar, not just anyone claiming to be a relationship counsellor). Too many people seek counselling too late.

It sounds like you have good intentions and the fact you've posted seeking advice means the marriage is important to you and you've been doing some valuable reflection.