just a rant, memories have been dug up and i need to put them somewhere. please don't read if this is triggering for you.
my dad used to hit me. he made me so terrified. i remember the feeling. he is a big man. he's only 5'9ish, but he weighed over 18 stone. i remember the sound of the stomping on the floor as he ran towards me. i remember the sting on my legs. i remember my mum begging him to go away. just begging him to please calm down. to please clear his head. to think about what he's doing. i remember when he threw me onto the sofa, stomped over to me, and stood over me, while shouting in my face. then smacked me so hard on my upper leg that it went numb.
i remember when his go to defence from tantrums was to put his hand over both my mouth and nose, so that i couldn't breathe. i would scream and tell him i couldn't breathe, and he'd say, as long as i could tel him that, i could breathe. i can still hear my mum telling him to please move his hand off of my nose. his hand covered almost my whole face. he gripped my cheeks so hard with his fingers the whole time he was doing it.
i will never forget it. it is usually hidden way at the back of my mind, but every now and then i get a flash of fear and remember the sounds of his foot steps or the feeling of his hands crushing my rib cage as he picked me up just to throw me back down, and the feeling of my hair almost being pulled out as he dragged me into my bedroom.
i need to talk to someone, a therapist, anything, but i am so scared that he will get in trouble.