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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sensitive issue getting me down

26 replies

Solidified · 19/03/2021 21:06

I’ve kept this to myself for so long as I can’t talk to anyone about it for obvious reasons. My BF has urinary incontinence. He is incredibly sensitive about it as you can imagine which makes it very difficult to talk to him about.

I have enormous sympathy for him and feel guilty admitting that there are aspects of it that really bother me. I understand that he has no control over it but I feel myself getting annoyed when he accidentally puts his pad on inside out and has an accident in bed. Or he will just sleep with it between his legs and it doesn’t work. Also I’m very sensitive to the smell.

I’ve tried hinting but he still does these things. I think he would be mortified if I told him outright that I have a problem with it. I try to be reassuring but there’s an element of discomfort in lying to him.

I don’t know if I’m looking for advice really, just that I needed to get it off my chest.

OP posts:
EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 19/03/2021 21:12

Op, you're going to have to pull your pants up and be direct. You've hinted, he's not got the hint. Then you've lied, to further confuse him.

You need to be honest, and if you are that put off by the issue then it would be kindest to stop dating him. I'm sure many people would like to think "Oh I'd never be that shallow" but frankly we all have our red lines and if piss is one of yours, fair enough.

dottiedaisee · 19/03/2021 21:14

Has he had any medical advice?

ElspethFlashman · 19/03/2021 21:17

How on earth does he accidentally put it on inside out? Or just stuff it in and expect it to magically work? That would annoy me. It's just page one stuff. If you share a bed with someone, then really the onus is on you to be respectful of that shared space.

And it may not be easy but there are LOTS of products on the market.

Has he been to a urologist?

Hidinge · 19/03/2021 21:22

If my bf had a medical issue like that I would
a. Expect him to be seeking medical help and
b. Be an adult and have some respect therefore do his utmost to keep the piss away from me

Original poster
Solidified · 19/03/2021 21:27

I think I could cope with it better if I felt he was managing it better.

He is receiving medical support but he feels fobbed off by them although doesn’t like to make a fuss. He often forgets to take his meds and the inside out pads happens a few times a month. I bought him some special pants to keep his pad in place but he doesn’t wear them at night. It’s partly that he’s disorganised but I do feel resentful that he doesn’t do more to minimise it’s impact on me.

It’s affecting my attraction for him and sex can be unpleasant. Feel horrible for saying that.

OP posts:
DinosaurDiana · 19/03/2021 21:29

Do you want a lifetime of this ?
He needs to be doing his part to make this better or it won’t change.

Cam2020 · 19/03/2021 21:36

Sorry, but you'd think if he's embarrassed enough to not want to talk about it, he should be keen to make sure he's using products correctly - after all, when he doesn't, it's an issue that affects you too.

He often forgets to take his meds and the inside out pads happens a few times a month. I bought him some special pants to keep his pad in place but he doesn’t wear them at night. It’s partly that he’s disorganised but I do feel resentful that he doesn’t do more to minimise it’s impact on me.

Obviously, it's extremely unfortunate, unpleasant and embarrassing for him to have this problem and there might always be the odd accident, but he is not taking responsibility for himself and doesn't want to talk about it. Do you think there might be an element of denial/not coping here?

Eckhart · 19/03/2021 21:37

He needs to be responsible for his feelings, and you for yours. Currently you are responsible for his feelings and yours.

Hinting is no good. Tell him calmly how you feel. He's an adult. He's your partner. If he's expecting you to share this level of intimacy, he should be willing to accept you telling him your feelings.

How do you expect things to change otherwise?

ElspethFlashman · 19/03/2021 21:37

Well I imagine if he's that careless about his meds and his pads, that he's careless about his hygiene too.

Pinksatin · 19/03/2021 21:43

I have urinary incontinence and have worn a pad (sanitary towel)since a teenager. It’s incredibly difficult and there is not much medical help. However, I’ve not had an accident in bed. I find it odd he would put his pad the wrong way. You need to tell him. I wouldn’t like to be sleeping in the same bed.

toocold54 · 19/03/2021 21:47

I get that it’s a sensitive issue and once or twice I’d forgive putting his pad on the wrong way but anymore than that is just plain lazy/disrespectful. He is a grown up so needs to take responsibility to take his meds and put his pad on the right way.

If you were on your period and ‘forgot’ to put your pad on every night would he want to sleep in the same bed?

You need to be firm and say this is the X time this has happened I can’t sleep in the same bed if you keep forgetting.

Everythingiswonderful · 19/03/2021 21:52

This sounds really familiar

WisnaeMe · 19/03/2021 22:23

you say he's your Boyfriend OP? how long have you been together? is this a new issue ? it sounds rather unfair on you too OP, you must speak up, sensitive or not he must be told how its affecting you too 🌺

ReverendRicketyCricket · 19/03/2021 22:30

@Everythingiswonderful

This sounds really familiar
Indeed.

Have you posted before in a different name OP? Or did you just join MN tonight?

HollowTalk · 19/03/2021 22:32

Yes, I thought it was familiar, too.

Shoxfordian · 19/03/2021 22:35

Do you live with him? Separate bedrooms would be a good thing. Also reminding him to sort it out pre sex

nimbuscloud · 19/03/2021 22:39

You have posted this before
MN deleted the thread.

Original poster
Solidified · 19/03/2021 22:42

I’ve been on MN years but had a break for the last couple. I’ve not posted about this before. I panicked seeing pp post it sounded familiar- thought my BF had seen it for a minute!

OP posts:
junebirthdaygirl · 19/03/2021 23:59

I saw a guy on TV with similiar issues and he was having an operation to rectify the damage. Is there any possibility of that happening.
Meanwhile he needs to take responsibility as with any other medical issue. I feel for you..its a difficult one

pog100 · 20/03/2021 00:06

@Solidified

I’ve been on MN years but had a break for the last couple. I’ve not posted about this before. I panicked seeing pp post it sounded familiar- thought my BF had seen it for a minute!
They are hinting that subjects such are these are posted to draw various responses to feed fetishes.
Mydogisagentleman · 20/03/2021 09:37

Has he explored intermittent self catheterisation or urinary sheaths?

Original poster
Solidified · 20/03/2021 09:55

Thanks everyone. I promise I’m not a troll, just someone struggling with communication over a very real and sensitive issue.

I’m not sure what he’s tried in the past, afaik he just uses the pads and seems resigned to fact that they often leak.

As a pp mentioned, I think there is an element of denial - I know it really affects his MH and his self esteem which in turn makes me not want to raise the issue although I did ask him to stop drinking immediately before bed.

I have gently pushed him to demand better medical care but it’s not in his nature to make a fuss or stand up for himself.

I’m glad I posted as it’s made me realise that he should be working harder to minimise its impact on me and I’m not shallow for expecting that.

OP posts:
sage46 · 20/03/2021 15:47

Is your partner's urinary incontinence made worse by drinking alcohol? I only ask this because I had a boyfriend (now very ex !) who peed the bed when he was pissed.

willibald · 20/03/2021 15:53

He's not being an adult about this. It's not your bloody job to sort him or enable him.

I wouldn't put up with this. Do you want a lifetime of this?

Raise your bar, bloody hell! Stop feeling guilty or bad about having standards and wanting to be in a relationship with an adult, not someone who's happy to wet the bed and CBA'd to push to treat his condition.

WisnaeMe · 20/03/2021 18:08

I’m glad I posted as it’s made me realise that he should be working harder to minimise its impact on me and I’m not shallow for expecting that.

OP you are certainly not shallow, its an awkward sensitive situation as you say. 🌺

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