Feeling safe again after abuse

[Treesinthewind]

I've had a realisation today that I feel really unsafe, and that it's likely some kind of trauma response. I left my son's father 18 months ago after a 9 year relationship in which there had been controlling and coercive behaviour. For the last months of the relationship he had been suffering from psychosis which mean I felt incredibly unsafe, and I then had to protect my son by supervising contact with him when he was very unwell. It was hugely stressful. We then started going through the courts, and he wasn't allowed any contact till he engaged with mental health services. Sadly, he took his own life in December. Me and my son (who is 4) are doing ok, but I've started feeling a low level humming anxiety and a huge feeling of the world being a dangerous place. I think because for so long I was worried that he could abduct our son and take him to his home country, and I felt like that was always going to be a worry, and now it..isn't, but it's like I'm finding it hard to adjust to that, if that makes sense? I'm finding it hard to know which fears and anxieties are rational and which aren't. I feel like I'm rambling, but it's making me feel so panicky. It's like a huge weight has lifted but I can't shake the feeling that it's still hanging over me. Has anyone experienced similar?

I haven't but I've been lucky enough to have no traumatic experiences. However your feelings seem perfectly understandable to me, you can't just switch your feeling of fear and anxiety off because the original cause is no longer there.
It feels like you need sensitive ways of unpicking it, I'm sure everyone will suggest counselling. I have never used it but you need a neutral non involved listener I think.
I'm glad that eventually you will be able to feel free.

I'm sorry to hear all that you've all been through. I second getting a counselor or therapist. Do you have anyone in your life to support you, friends, family?

I think quite often we hold ourselves together because we have to but once the threat has gone it all just hits you. You sort of go from too overwhelmed to really think or feel to completely overwhelmed by nervous energy. It was explained to me as a good sign once that nervous energy is controlled you'll come back to baseline. After I knew I was safe, everyday for months I would throw up as soon as I woke up. Just all this pent up anxiety that I was really too afraid to show just hit me. It's hard but it gets easier.