Involving dc in big decisions

[Wakingup55643]

Have any of you who have separated or are in the process of separating spoken to your dc first to see what they would think of their parents splitting before going through with it? I really worry that my dc are not getting any kind of example of what a normal happy relationship is, as me and dh live pretty separate lives within the same house. I don't want them to think this is how it should be, but how can I explain that (to my mature dc 13) without telling him how unhappy I am and that I would feel so much better if it was just the three of us? So has anyone had a good conversation with their dc, and did their response surprise you?

What will you do if you want to split up and they beg you not to? I wouldn't put that on a child.

I might involve DC in big decisions like moving house, but ending your relationship is not something to involve them in.
You're the grown up and need to step up to the decision. In my opinion it would be unfair to expect a child to be part of it.

Don't do this. It is way too much of a emotional burden for a child. It messes with a child's head. He might also try to second guess what you want. My mother made me her confidante about her unhappiness in her marriages from aged 9 and I was terrified and unsure what to advise her. She did what she wanted anyway. You need to talk with an adult about these issues. Hope you are doing ok.

No, you can't do this. It is a terrible position you are putting them in, whether they say yes or no. They may feel guilt for years.

It is an adult decision, make it and explain it to them. Don't put any of the responsibility onto then, it's grossly unfair.

I hope you're doing Ok too

Please, please, please don’t do this.

You can’t allow your children to feel they had any part in your decision to separate. Protect them from that and decide as adults.

So DC says no Mom, please don't make Daddy leave. So he stays and 10 years down the line you're both so much more miserable and your kid is old enough to see that properly and know it's directly because they said no.

Or conversely they say yes and 10 years down the line you're not happy to Dad isn't or they just wish you were still together and they're thinking why didn't I say no...

Don't do it.

It's ok to tell your child that you and Dad aren't as happy as you could be right now, with all the usual but it's not you and we love you mush. It's ok for them to see you both make an active choice to move forward and be happy.

Thanks all. You're totally right x

I can't think of a single reason you would do this, unless you felt that your DC's assent would make you feel less guilty about what will unavoidably be a huge and upsetting upheaval. Which means you're only asking your DC for yourself, and not for their benefit. Don't do it.

The fact that it's going to be a huge and upsetting upheaval doesn't mean it's the wrong thing to do.

@Wakingup55643 As a child of unhappy parents...PLEASE separate if it’s what you feel would be best. Don’t put it on your child to make that decision, you make that decision.

I grew up in a house with constant arguing and parents living completely separate lives. They stayed together because it was “better for the kids” 🙄 it was truly awful. They’re now in their 50s...still living together but separate...still very clearly hate each other...still moan about the other one to us DCs...and neither of them is in a financial position to leave.

Where I should have grown up learning what a healthy relationship is from watching my parents (be that together, or with other people), the only thing I’ve learned is everything I’m determined not to have in a relationship.