Don’t understand why I’m doing this.

[RoastChickenLastsForDaysonMN]

My mum had a very long, life-altering operation yesterday. She told me and my sibling about it two weeks ago.

But I didn’t tell my OH about it, and he still doesn’t know.

At the time, I guess it was a bit of a shock and I didn’t want to talk about it. But as the two weeks have gone on, I didn’t know how to bring it up with him, and couldn’t see the point. He’s not emotionally supportive, really, so I’d only be telling him as information sharing, but even then he’s not that bothered about anything outside his realm of interests.

Am I awful for not telling him? Or is it some weird self-preservation thing?

A weird self preservation thing? What do you mean? Do you know why you haven't told him? Seems strange not to have if you chat about other stuff.
What was the operation?

Sorry, you've said you don't understand why you're doing it.

Is it because you're worried and he can't or won't empathise? Will he say something derogatory? Are you scared about his response? Can you simply not be arsed to engage?

No, that’s what I mean. I don’t know why I haven’t told him. I don’t know if I’m just anticipating him not caring or staring at me blankly if I get upset, which upsets me even more and then he gets uncomfortable.

I don’t want to go into details about the operation, but it was over 8 hours on the operating table and will make daily life more difficult, but has reduced her risk of dying from cancer.

Only you have that answer.

My husband did this, but his ations were due to the fact he wished to place me as an outsider, ie not important and not within the inner circle.

People withold information for many reasons, but in my opinion it usually involves power over another.

You said in your post that you haven't told him, because he wouldn't be supportive. Is the reason you've not told him, because this would be another instance where he hasn't supported you and this would make you feel unloved?

Sometimes telling someone else about something upsetting makes it more real.

Saying that, I’d be quite upset if dh hadn’t told me about something so significant.

He’s not emotionally supportive, really, so I’d only be telling him as information sharing, but even then he’s not that bothered about anything outside his realm of interests.

Sorry to hear about your mum, I hope she's ok

Why do you want to be in a relationship with someone as you describe above?

I get it. There's just no point in telling him and to do so won't make you feel better. Blank stares while talking about something so important? No thanks. It is about power. Power over your own heart. You're protecting yourself.

Time to look at the bigger picture, and make a plan. And you know what sort of plan I mean (no, no not the patio one!)

I can see that sharing something makes it more real but I can't imagine not telling my partner something major like this (and he isn't exactly mr empathy) . I think it does say alot about your relationship and how disconnected you are. Sorry you are going through this.

I don't think it's a weird self preservation thing.

I think it's self preservation.

Own your feelings. There's nothing worse than revealing your vulnerabilities to somebody who couldn't really give a monkeys.

The question is, why do you feel you should?

Sometimes you don’t need to tell everyone everything if you feel you won’t get support. I have an illness and so my family don’t worry I don’t tell them everything. If you need support say it if not do what keeps you happiest.

It all sounds really painful. I hope your mum does well recovering from her surgery.
But the thing that stands out is the light it throws on your relationship. You don’t seem to feel very loved or seen or supported, and that’s a very painful place to be.
Whether your husband isn’t able to , or just won’t support you, it’s a lonely old place to be too.
What do you want for the future?

But you are denying him the opportunity to support you.

He may well not be as supportive as you would like, but do you not think your actions will hurt him, allienating him from your family news.

I do hope your Mother recovers.