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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I have never uttered these words

22 replies

mrsohmaybeno · 18/03/2021 21:01

I have never allowed these words outside of my own head...

I have never had an orgasm apart from when self pleasuring.

I'm a nearly 30 year old woman, I have had quite a lot of sex. I have faked it pretty much every time for the mans benefit (I suppose to seem normal and not embarrass them)

I feel lust, excitement, want to have sex, enjoy it when doing it but don't even come close to the feeling of an orgasm unless it's on my own.

Am I completely alone in this?

I have been in a relationship for 8 years now, have sex multiple times a week. Have had over 50 sexual partners (promiscuous teens) never had an orgasm. How depressing...

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 18/03/2021 21:04

It’s going to be really hard to tell your partner you’ve been faking orgasms for 8 years but if you want things to change then you need to be honest. Try suggesting things you like. Why do you think you need to fake it to make a man feel good when you don’t feel it?

Original poster

mrsohmaybeno · 18/03/2021 21:06

I don't think anything in sex could make me orgasm though. I like the way I do it myself, alone. I don't dislike sex but I just think it's a completely different experience and will never now happen for me during sex.

It's not like I know if x,y and z was done in bed then it would happen. I don't think it ever will happen...

I think I fake it cause I feel bad, they will think I don't enjoy it. I do enjoy it but the thing that happens to everyone else doesn't happen for me. It's my problem I suppose not their problem.

OP posts:

Shoxfordian · 18/03/2021 21:13

Can you do what you do alone during sex with a partner? Show him what you like

Stop faking it though, wastes everyone’s time

silverbubbles · 18/03/2021 21:16

The good news is you can orgasm. Stop putting on a show of gasping and groaning to flatter these blokes. You might then be able to work out what really does it for you.

Lockdownlife2021 · 18/03/2021 22:12

Can you use your own hand/toys at the same time as having sex?

summeriscomingsoon · 18/03/2021 23:55

@mrsohmaybeno

It's not like I know if x,y and z was done in bed then it would happen. I don't think it ever will happen...

I think I fake it cause I feel bad, they will think I don't enjoy it. I do enjoy it but the thing that happens to everyone else doesn't happen for me. It's my problem I suppose not their problem.

You haven't been with someone who turns you on enough

Ohyesiam · 19/03/2021 00:00

I think that if you you come, then someone else can.
To get over the faking it thing i would time it down and talk to your partner about your sexual response changing, and that you seem to need something different now. You can explore this something different, and in the process, show him what you like.

PantherPantherus · 19/03/2021 00:06

Have you ever experienced romance?

Borntohula · 19/03/2021 00:06

That is depressing, do you enjoy oral?

Eckhart · 19/03/2021 00:12

I think it's amazing that you're saying it now. Many never do.

Satisfaction lies ahead. All your focus so far has been on satisfying the other person. You are not yet 30. So much time.

So. Regardless of what dupery you've felt the need to perform up until now, what is your current partner like with regard to your satisfaction? Couldn't give a flying fandoodle, or intent (but unwittingly inept)?

dudsville · 19/03/2021 00:32

OP, I'm in your shoes 20 + years down the line. I can have loving relationships but that's it so I've just stopped having sex. There are good suggestions if you want to try to avoid ending up in my position, fwiw though I enjoy my life.

Geppili · 19/03/2021 00:38

I'm much older than you and in completely the same boat!

Geppili · 19/03/2021 00:41

I should add I have very rarely faked and never with my husband. You need to get into some mutual masturbating with the person you love. Take PIV sex off the menu.

AnotherSunrise · 19/03/2021 00:46

Try oral?!

Poppins88 · 19/03/2021 08:02

I could have written this word for word. No trouble on my own but not even a whiff of an orgasm with a partner - you're not alone. I have no idea what the answer is so following this with interest!

Original poster

mrsohmaybeno · 19/03/2021 08:18

It's nice to hear I'm just not alone and not completely odd... I suppose that alone is an outcome for this. I actually thought about seeing some kind of sex therapist...

OP posts:

SilverRoe · 19/03/2021 08:31

I think it’s great you’ve voiced this, first step towards more satisfying sex.

before you see a sex therapist would it be worth being more communicative with sexual partners and showing and telling them what gets you off? Women’s orgasms are not a one size fits all and many people need to be shown what will work for each individual. Faking it with everyone means you’ve never really tried to communicate your sexual needs. So maybe work on that rather than assuming you need therapy?

If it’s awkward with your current partner you could always say you tried something new on yourself and it was great then show them! If they twig on that you’re having a different reaction to normal just breeze it off with a ‘wow guess i’ve changed’ or something. (which btw is not that outlandish, many people find what gets them off can change over years).

Palavah · 19/03/2021 08:34

You haven't been with someone who turns you on enough

Completely disagree. OP has told us she feels lust and desire for sex. It's an unhelpful myth that someone you fancy who fancies you will magically be able yo do the right things mechanically that bring you to orgasm.

OP, have you read Come As You Are? Can you incorporate masturbation into sex with your partner? Show, guide or describe to your partner what you'd like.

For many women the sensation of orgasm during masturbation is different from orgasm from oral or penetrative sex. That doesn't make them right or wrong.

Sunflower1970 · 23/03/2021 07:47

I wouldn’t admit to faking after 8 years, it would undermine your relationship and tarnish memories! Just tell your partner you’ve been reading sex tips in Cosmopolitan and you’d like to spice things up a bit!! Then show him what you like! Tbh if you haven’t been honest with him about this maybe this relationship isn’t right for you?

MarshmallowAra · 23/03/2021 12:05

I haven't from piv sex (or what little oral I've received) either.

Piv sex actually detracts from my normal clitoral feeling .. I was planning on trying a small vibrator during piv sex to see if it's any better.

If you're not fixated on orgasm during piv sex, have you persevered with oral sex?

Also worth noting is that the position of clitoris affects orgasm chances during piv sex. And possibly the extent of clitoral hood.

MarshmallowAra · 23/03/2021 12:08

the thing that happens to everyone else

I think you're vastly overestimating the amount of women who climax during piv sex.

Lollollol2020 · 23/03/2021 16:06

The biggest thing I find in preventing an orgasm is myself... telling myself I can’t orgasm a certain way. I also have to concentrate to achieve orgasm, sometimes fantasies help me along. I can orgasm in my sleep with no stimulation so why have I only orgasmed through PIV once in my life (and that was a total surprise)? If you keep telling yourself you can’t, you definitely won’t

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