Excluded Sister? Playground Games as Adults

[BingBunnyBoiler]

NC’d as possibly outing!

Looking for opinions on how you would deal with this. I am one of three sisters. We have a spread of kids between us, all live fairly close together and all tend to see eachother at weekends etc (when covid permits).

Historically my two other sisters have been quite close but I am finding more and more than I am excluded by them, despite no reason why I should be.

Came to a head the other night when it became clear that it doesn’t look like one of my sisters, who is getting married in 2022, doesn’t want me as a bridesmaid. I feel pretty hurt.

Silly other things include them not replying to my texts in our group chat, chatting to eachother outwith the chat, never seeming to ask how I’m doing despite me asking them, organising joint plans to suit them without making sure it’s ok with me (I have more kids to sort out)...just general playgroup crap!

Would you:

A) kill them with kindness - I feel when I try this approach they just seem to revel in “leaving me hanging” OR
B) back off for a while - potentially driving the divide deeper?

May seem trivial but, with lockdown etc my sisters doing this has really left me feeling quite isolated.

Call them out on it. But that's easy for me to say. Find a way to ask them without accusing. Say that you feel left out and upset? Ask if you've done something wrong?

I’ve been so tempted to do this but I have no idea how to word it without it coming across as too needy!

I'd be honest and explain how you feel. It may not be intended and let's them know.
However, you can't make people like you, even if you're related. Trying to, will just make you miserable and anxious, and they're not worth it.

Just do you and enjoy it.

*Would you:

A) kill them with kindness - I feel when I try this approach they just seem to revel in “leaving me hanging” OR
B) back off for a while - potentially driving the divide deeper?*

Neither. Instead:

C) Move on with your life. Know your worth. Don’t give them any further opportunities to confuse, hurt, exclude and humiliate you.

Know that they are not (probably never have) treating you with kindness and respect.

They are being bitchy, passive aggressive bullies who delight in tormenting you under the radar.

Don’t give them the pleasure of your reaction. Make better friends - keep your distance and your dignity. Don’t let your DCs see you treated like shit - they will also treat your DCs like shit. I have only found out this recently from my older teens that their aunts were less than kind to them behind my back in their childhood.

Your sisters bond is built on bashing you. Take away their fuel.

@Sssloou

*Would you:

A) kill them with kindness - I feel when I try this approach they just seem to revel in “leaving me hanging” OR
B) back off for a while - potentially driving the divide deeper?*

Neither. Instead:

C) Move on with your life. Know your worth. Don’t give them any further opportunities to confuse, hurt, exclude and humiliate you.

Know that they are not (probably never have) treating you with kindness and respect.

They are being bitchy, passive aggressive bullies who delight in tormenting you under the radar.

Don’t give them the pleasure of your reaction. Make better friends - keep your distance and your dignity. Don’t let your DCs see you treated like shit - they will also treat your DCs like shit. I have only found out this recently from my older teens that their aunts were less than kind to them behind my back in their childhood.

Your sisters bond is built on bashing you. Take away their fuel.

Arghhhh I know you’re right!! But the tricky thing is that I want a relationship with them, and I want my DCs to have a relationship with their aunties and their cousins (I do believe they are treated well). It’s getting to the point where our parent is noticing it too but they are very passive so won’t say anything....it’s so complicated!

Arghhhh I know you’re right!! But the tricky thing is that I want a relationship with them, and I want my DCs to have a relationship with their aunties and their cousins (I do believe they are treated well). It’s getting to the point where our parent is noticing it too but they are very passive so won’t say anything....it’s so complicated!

Why do you want a RS with people who abuse you?

Why would you continue with this hostile set up?

Do you believe it will change?

It won’t - because it hasn’t. It’s historic, an entrenched family blue print where YOU are the whipping boy.

I am not surprised you have a passive parent on the sidelines (where you have taken your inferior stance from) can I guess that there is also another difficult parent in the frame - from where your sisters learnt to subjugate you?

If you are going to endure this bad behaviour - then at least emotionally detach and build RS elsewhere with mutually respectful friends who will bring you and your DC joy and not leave you walking on eggshells - hurt, confused and excluded.

It’s a real PUBLIC snub to choose only one sister out of two as a bridesmaid.

Know that.

Your children will notice you are treated like shit, and accept it. Is this what you want? You can’t please them, they don’t want to be pleased. You can’t make them way a relationship with you. They have shown they don’t. They are happy doing what they do. Forge your own path, be happy. Or keep trying for their approval and stay feeling inadequate. Your choice op

This is sad. I'd always thought having a sister would be nice but it's easy to forget that's not always the case.

This resonates.

I was for many many years the Excluded Sister.

Went through my entire childhood feeling like a Step Sibling they didn't want and got lumbered with.

Just over a decade ago, one sibling moved abroad permanently, it has changed everything, also she has grown up.

The eldest was behind most of it, and coerced the other. Adult maturity and perspective has led my other sister to treat me really differently, and now we have an interesting qualitative relationship.

She is different with me, and is finally starting to see the eldest for who she really is. They were SO close for years so its baby steps but I can see it changing.

Is there one sibling you can gain ground with?

Oh and also "Grey Rock and Pretending You Don't Notice" Do Not Work don't do it yourself.

Nothing changes, you get angrier, and its bad for your mental health.

Your sisters bond is built on bashing you. Take away their fuel.

I'm sad to say this is very true. I am one of three sisters. I had a great bond with one sister. We were alike (or so I thought). I didn't think we deliberately excluded the other sister, but we spent a great deal of time trying to 'figure her out'.

Suddenly the sister I thought I had a strong bond with turned to the other sister and I was excluded. It hurt so much particularly when they had never got along beforehand. I have no doubt that their 'common' bond is complaining about me.

It hurts but making the decision to distance myself instead of being pushed out has helped.

My sisters common bond was definitely Us Against Her.

What changed was being able to spend extended time alone with the least toxic of the two and form a new relationship.

Sometimes what you want, and what you get from people, are two very different things. You can want all day long and never receive.
Option c is your best option in a shitty dilemma.

I am going to play devil's advocate here. Maybe they dont even realise it.
Are you difficult to make plans with because of your DCs? Is there a big age gap with your DCs and theirs?

Are your sisters older or younger than you? Maybe the bridesmaid thing is because the bride thought it might be difficult for you to get childcare.
There is no point in involving your parents. Your sisters are too old to be told to play nicely with you. And your parents can't make them like being with you.
You need to tell them how you feel. I hope you dont fall out with them permanently , it would be a shame. And all relationships involving three go through different phases .
Or , maybe they are just two bitches.

I am one of 5 sisters, some definitely get on better than others. Part of it is because of large age gaps but there is also how some of us have different values. Myself and one sister are very close as we view our childhood through the same lense.

You want a relationship with them but they don’t care if they have a relationship with you. Is there one of the two who is kinder? You could focus on having a relationship with one and cut out the other. I’d suggest leaving the whatsapp group and build a relationship with the one who isn’t getting married. Message her separately. Just stop talking to the one who is getting married. Block her completely. Don’t respond to messages at all. Go silent. Only respond to the other sister. Leave the WhatsApp group and message the non getting married sister to say “hey. Just to let you know I’m not doing WhatsApp groups anymore. So if you want me message me separately” don’t message the other one. This is the only way it’s going to work because they are strong together and you basically just don’t stand a chance. You might as well have some pride. When the wedding invite comes through decline. No explanation. You just say no. If you want things to change then your interactions/responses have to change. It’s going to be hard because you’ve always chased them but if you don’t make a stand then they’ll always see you as an option

Sometimes people just get on better with some people , not because anyone is doing anything wrong but because it is a personality or life stage. Just speak to them. Good luck op

You can still have a relationship and visit so your kids can see their aunties and cousins. However, it sounds like you need to make new friends and distance yourself emotionally. This will stop you feeling hurt when there’s Other things to focus on. They might even respect you more and treat you better if you become less dependent. See them less, you will feel better