I feel like my life is falling apart

[Justtryingtogetbyxx]

Hey please no judgment, I have just left a very very very toxic abusive relationship and I'm finding it hard to come to terms with. I've not just lost my relationship I have also lost my job due to it, failed my university course, I'm on the verge of loosing my home because I have no income as he paid the rent.

I was with him for just over a year things moved very quickly I'm ashamed of my self for the amount of stuff I've allowed him to put me through. Now that I'm away from him and actually writing it down am I realising that I should of left a lot sooner.

Things were good at first he made me feel so special and loved honestly he was my bestfriend. We ended up moving in together very very quickly he told me he loved me the second time we met. I thought that was a bit odd but at the same time it was cute. He would write me lovely long messages and I thought he was my Prince charming.

He became very controlling within the second month but I didn't see this i just thought he was being over protective. Until I went to my friends for a girls night and he was calling me a slag a whore and telling me to get home now. He told me to be back for 9pm but I was enjoying my self so I ignored him and didn't come back untill atleast 1 am because I thought why should I.

Things then started changing he wouldn't let me speak if I tried to have an opinion it was as if he was always right and I was always wrong. He would comment about my clothes and then he would start to push and shouve me in arguments. We would have times when we was good don't get me wrong but when we would argue it was bad. He started strangling me and biting my arms and my face this then lead to him eventually hitting me. He made me feel like everything was my fault and it was my fault why he would hit me because I'd have a tone in my voice when answering a question which I didn't but he wouldn't let me ever speak if he said I had a tone, even if I didn't then I would have a tone.

I tried leaving him several times but he would cry to me and beg me to stay. He would tell me he's going to kill himself and that everyone would blame me for his death, and that I would have to explain to his mother how I've killed her son.

I feel like I've been living in a black hole ever since I found my self not being me not interested in anything anymore. I contacted the doctors and I was put on sertraline. He would disrespect me by checking girls out in public and watching porn rather than showing me and sexual attention. It just made me feel ugly he would just go to sleep yet I'd go on my phone history and he would of been on porn hub earlier that day. Made me feel worthless in my self that he would rather pleasure him self by looking at other woman than looking at me or wanting to have sex with me.

We ended up breaking up because I couldn't do it anymore him choking and strangling me was becoming more violent he would put pillows over my face to hit me so it didn't leave a mark. But then he would start punching me directly in my face he's bust my lips several times. He would bite my face and try to bite my lips of. He would strangle me tell me he's going to fucking kill me and I've never been so scared in my life. I had to leave my home and go to my mums because I couldn't do it anymore I really couldn't.

He was messaging me none stop telling me how much he loves me and how he's going to change I ignored him for days upon end untill he started egging my house and basically wouldn't leave me alone.

I ended up going back to my house and he turned up I gave in to him because I'm a stupid cow worse decision I could of made. He had a ring and gifts and he was crying begging for me back I told him no I don't not want to be with you. He grabbed hold of my hair and punched me in the face he threw a litre bottle of vodka at me and got a knife out my draw and started cutting his stomach telling me he was going to stab him self.

This literally scared the life out of me I was so so so so scared I didn't know what else to do but to just say yes to him because I want it to stop. After this had happened he started acting like nothing had happened. I felt so numb. A few days go by and he told me he had slept with someone else and wow did that break my heart I felt so betrayed ive been this guys punching bag and treated like I'm nothing for so long for him to go and have sex and not just a one night thing but a whole week with the same girl.

I felt so betrayed and I just wanted out and I needed to go. But lord behold I ended up pregnant (not saying I'm regretting becoming pregnant but it wasn't the right time at all). I feel like he finally got me where he wanted me. This made him so happy and he was so nice to me at the start I felt like maybe the baby actually was changing him and the person I fell in love with my best friend was back but no.

Everything seemed to just get worse. He beat me strangled me smashed up my house smashed my front door window. I thought to my self then no I can no bring an innocent child into this relationship I really can not I need to leave now for my child so that's what I have done. I do not want him back and I'm obviously devasted but I know for a fact if I go back it'll only become worse and worse and worse there's no changing him. I've finally blocked all ways for him to contact me I've changed my phone number and I'm staying at a family members house. I am due inheritance money soon from my grandma god bless her which I'm going to use to move into a new house. I'm finding it really hard because I lost my job I failed my uni course and I literally lost my friends all because of him

Now I'm away I've realised how much he's ruined my life. Im so ashamed of my self for allowing the situation to go on for so long and to be honest part of me still loves him and its hurting me so much but I've now learned I fell in love with the idea of him and the person he was at the start. I refuse to bring an innocent child into this.

Im finding my self being okay and then missing him I've literally had to to stop my self from unblocking his number because I'm also angry aswell I'm angry and I want to know why he treated me the way he did and what I did for him to hate me so much. I have no confidence anymore. I have no friends and no one to talk to. I hope I get back to my self very soon because I'm just fed up of being down all the time. I do feel better in some ways because I am not walking on egg shells and I can do what I want when I want. Does it get easier to cope with? And if anyone's been through similar sitation how did you cope and what helped you clear your mind?

You've left him, that's the courageous and right thing to do.

Talk to your GP or Women's Aid for some support - you'd benefit from some talking therapy.

And stay RIGHT AWAY FROM HIM, d'ya hear me?
FURTHER THAN THAT! 💐

Oh love, I have been there and you've done so so well getting out. Stay strong and just block and ignore all attempts of communication - good or bad! Speaking from experience here, I would consider not having the baby if that were an option. Otherwise you're tied to him for 18 more years and he has the opportunity of dragging you through court to continue the abuse. If that's not an option for you, keep him off the birth certificate and protect yourself. Contact the police and women's aid and don't ever give him your address.

The hardest part isn't always leaving, it's staying strong and keeping away. For some reason they've got into your head and messed it all up so sometimes you think you need them! You do not! Try and get back in contact with friends and family you lost touch with, I know it might be hard but I'm sure they'll want to be there for you.

Good luck and well done x

There's a lot in your post, but the thing that jumped out the most for me to respind was this -

do feel better in some ways because I am not walking on egg shells and I can do what I want when I want. Does it get easier to cope with

I urge you to seek therapy.

You were scared for your life, he strangled you, punched you, put a pillow over your face, controlled your movements, controlled you through emotional abuse through threats to his own and well as your life, and out you through terror. His actions were textbook dangerous abuser. In my opinion you are lucky to be alive.

Of course you are going to find it a struggle because there are practical things to put in place - a job, secure home and friends. However, the sentence above makes it sound like 'yeah it's nice not walking on egg shells, but I'm finding it a bit hard without him, does it get easier?'

What do you mean by 'cope with'? Do you mean cope with the trauma of what's happened to you (understandable) , or do you mean coping living without him? If it's the latter, I worry for you. It makes me wonder what you grew up with to make you miss the few crumbs he must have given you, which were mostly an illusion to reel you in.

He's extraordinarily aggressive, violent, disturbed, twisted. I would not be surprised if he has a history of this and that his criminal record would show this. He is a menace & threat to society and I think you need to tell the police about him. He is seriously dangerous and I think you need to change address as soon as possible.

I'm sorry to hear you had such a terrible experience and wish you luck and healing with your future.

Hey everyone I don't know how to reply to individual comments sorry.
Growing up my dad was abusive to my mum I don't remember any of this though and my mum divorced my dad when I was 8. She tried he hardest to bring me up single handed bless her but I was a wild teenager drinking and partying but I was raped at 14 which lead to m abusing alcohol and drugs. I am now 22 I have touched drugs since I was about 18 and when I did drink before I fell pregnant I would only drink wine ect..

My mum did sighn me up for cahms and I was made to see mental health workers who would come into my school but I don't feel like that actually did anything and I never went back to cahms afterwards.

• when I found out I was pregnant I really did sit and think if this is the best option at the time to keep the baby. But I couldn't bring my self to my baby's what's making me strong now to leave and not go back.

• easier to cope I just feel so alone and like I have no one anymore. I've gone from being with someone 24/7 to now being alone. But im going to have to learn to be alone now as I refuse to put go back to him.

• I 1000% won't let him go on the birth certificate I know then hell have rights and he could take my baby and refuse to give my baby back and there's nothing I'd be able to do about it. I have signed my self up for councilling online but it takes so long it took me months last time. I'm going to ring my GP first thing and get an emergancy appointment I just feel down and stuck in a dark place. I've lost my home my job I've failed my university course my dream was to finish uni by 25 and to pay of my student loan and to have a mortgage by 30.

I guess I can still do these things but it'll take a bit longer and I'll have a baby now. I'm at a family members house but I feel like I am not wanted here and to be honest I feel like they are sick of me x

Oh and thankyou for the kind words I deffintently won't be taking him back my baby comes first now x

I am actually considering moving out of town. I don't want to put where just incase he finds this post (very unlikely but a possibility) but its far away from where I live now. I was emotionally invested to leave the relationship whilst with him I just didn't know how. I have finally left and hell never get the chance to hurt me again. I couldn't care less what he's doing anymore which is surprising but this has been a long time better. I'm hoping my inheritance money arrives soon because I'm just ready for a fresh new start. I've been in contact with my best friend and we have stayed in contact kind of this whole time we just haven't been very close and we haven't actually spent time together but that's due to lock down aswell. Before lock down I was in the gym I was healthy I was working my way into uni I was getting somewhere. I have done it all before and I won't be pregnant forever I can go back to uni and I can pick up from where I left off. I know I can I just feel some times as this is never ending

Baby steps op x firstly you actually don't love thisan its called trauma bonding you need to read up on it. Secondly ypu can't plan out your life like that I was 34 before I got my mortgage so age really isn't relevant. You need to reach out to your old friends if they're real friends they'll be there for you if not its an opportunity to make new ones you really are never too old. And the uni exams? There's nothing stopping you repeating. Life has just gotten side tracked for you, I 100% know the feeling! On today I put up my own post here feeling sorry for myself but you will come through this op. At the omens your looking at all the things that have gone wrong and it's overwhelming but just remember you'll soon have a beautiful little baby in your arms who will give you the strength and courage to achieve everything.

Also we'll done for being brave x

You need to report the violence to the police.

By continuing this pregnancy you will have this monster in your life for ever. The only way to avoid that is getting him convicted for his crimes against you.
You sound very confused. I can barely believe you carried on with him when he was punching you in the face and strangling you. What part of you thought that was acceptable in a relationship?
You and your child will be at risk from him unless you act now to keep him away from you, legally and maybe with social services?
I hope you can achieve this. He sounds like a fucking monster.

I understand you must feel lonely but you’ve got all of us. If you feel the urge to contact him, post on here instead. Message me directly anytime you feel lonely or feel like you want to unblock him. He could kill you next time and if you go back you’ll end up having the baby taken off you. You can’t have a baby being brought into these circumstances

Moving out of town is a great idea. Chase up your inheritance. You can do this

I didn't want to read and run, I just want to add to the people saying well done and you've got this.

Just keep on the path you're on. You sound really sensible and pragmatic and all the issues you are currently facing into are solvable. Good luck x