Aspergers / ASD partner - overloaded emotionally - please help me!

[cheezy1]

I am posting in a feeling of desperation that someone can help me to understand what's happening and what to do. Anyone with experience of an ASD spouse or family member or perhaps if they are on the spectrum themselves?

My boyfriend and I are in an long distance relationship and he's got high functioning autism. The past two months or so he's been super anxious due to all sorts of emotional, life and work pressures combined with problems between us which pushed on all his weaknesses at once.

I think (as he explained after the fact) that he was trying to meet my emotional needs / resolve our problems / look after me, but that he was under too much existing anxiety to do that and he sort of overloaded.

I've experienced him getting stressed and tired before and he might need a day or two to chill out or have space, but this has been completely different.

It started with him saying a lot that he was overwhelmed, then he was having panic attacks and gastric symptoms, problems sleeping, then he was crying all the time (almost a solid week of crying), then he was saying a lot of things like...

"I feel under attack and nowhere is safe"
"I don't have the capacity to meet your needs"
"I'm not strong enough to fix everything at once"
"I don't feel I deserve your love"

He had a period of really extreme anxiety and anguish where I was really worried and trying to help, and then he sort of just switched off and started saying his system was overloaded and he had turned his emotions off to escape. Now he says he feels nothing at all and it's like he's not there.

He tells me he loves me and just needs to reset, but it's been about ten days and he's gotten worse rather than better so I am really confused about what to do.

We went through a depression test and he also saw the doctor and he doesn't appear to be depressed but he is monosyllabic and really distant and I'm really worried because he's never been like this before and he's by himself right now.

Has anyone with ASD experienced this kind of anxiety / emotional overload before? If so, what can be done to help? Am I supposed to just leave him in peace? And how long will it last? I am really just absolutely desperate and can't stop crying and don't know what to do.

I don't have any experience but I think you'll get plenty of responses from women who do. I think he should stay in contact with his GP and that he needs a lot of peace and space. It sounds like he's completely overwhelmed, by events or emotion and he just needs everything to be still for a second so he can process it.

What I'm concerned about is that you are having these issues as a couple and it's a long distance relationship. Living with someone is a lot more intense and you see their less flattering sides, so I'm assuming you are not planning to even more in together and that's fine with you? I'm not sure if he could cope if you did, but is that the future you envisioned for yourself, for your life OP? Have you considered that he is just not capable of fulfilling your emotional needs, despite his best intentions?

Hey OP I am so sorry you are going through this it is so not easy,The longest my dh was away from us was 9 months following a total breakdown.He is autistic asd bipolar high functioning too,He is the best husband,kind loving and caring working full time but my heart goes out to yo,It is hard work loving someone like this,Sometimes its hard to decide wether to hang in there or run for the hills you wouldnt be blamed for either,Dry yur tears sweetheart and give him the space he needs,He is not saying he doesnt love you or value you he does but space is what he needs,If you can imagine being scared of your surroundings relationships and thought proccesses then thats where your other half is right now,This may help you understand,It is hard to not take it personally but I can almost gaurentee you its absolutely nothing to do with you and his love for you,External pressures may be at play and he has lost his confidence is all mixed up.Its very difficult for my dh to proccess things like I would,I thought honestly I could make him better but I cant.By me pressuring him it seemed to worsen the situation,When he is dealing with his thing there is no room for my feelings wants needs to come into play, You have to take a back seat,As I said these relationships are hard, Pm me if you like and I will try to answer any questions as I have 15 years experience of this and one of the hardest things I found was decifering when my husband is having an episode or is just being a bit of a pillock like i know he can be!!! Space is your friend,he will come back when he feels better but you need to take any pressure off him until he feels more stable and able to deal with life then he will be yours again,

It sounds like autistic burnout leading to depression. If so then he needs to withdraw and recharge; take all demands off him for now - you seek emotional support elsewhere for now and let him do what he needs to do to regain his equilibrium. Does he have a support network of friends/ family/ other autistics?

I'm autistic. This sounds pretty classically like burnout. The nervous system gets overloaded and needs to shut down. The only way to recover is to withdraw from stress and rest. It can take weeks or months to recuperate to be honest but cutting out stress is the key to it.

You'll need to let him guide as to what he needs to reduce stress - whether that's a total break or to talk. Think of it like w pressure cooker that's blown and now everything needs to settle back down before he can switch on and start cooking again.

I am so grateful for the replies. This sounds very worrying though. I feel helpless in this situation but if he asks for space to recharge (that's what he has asked for) then I will just leave him alone? No, he really has no support around him, apart from his GP. He is going to work normally, gym, socialising to a degree but he says he is just emotionally dead for now and feels nothing.

He texts me a few times a day to ask if I am okay and to tell me he is okay and to update on routine matters and he says "I love you" but he's so distant and empty. If I text him, he replies straight away, but we normally talk on facetime and are flirty and warm and sweet, and right now he is like a robot!

We have been together a few years, and I am used to the usual ASD troubles and we work really well with those together, but this is something new and it's happening around a period of massive change (which he is really struggling with) and he hasn't been the nicest.

I admit, I have tried, but it's exasperating and hard not to take the anxiety personally when it's directed at you. When he gets into anxiety mode he's irrational, self-absorbed, stubborn and it's hard to take when you're also dealing with massive stress and some of the anxiety behavior translates to rejection for me.

I really didn't understand how anxious he was and @EarthSight our "issues" are all related to the anxiety. We don't have problems as a couple, but the anxiety was off the chart and really becoming a problem in terms of getting basic things done. It's almost like he has a phobia of not being in control of the big things in life, and we're facing things right now where we need to be positive and he just can't do it.

I really hope it doesn't take weeks or months :( I miss him so much, sorry if that sounds selfish but it's heartbreaking to have your boyfriend so cold and distant and I am worrying about him 24 hours a day. He assures me he doesn't feel bad or sad, he just feels nothing but for some reason I find that even worse

Have you thought about organising that space between you? As in, every other day you will check in on each other by texting or chatting on the phone for 10mins? Something that's very routine?

I don't know how you do it OP. You must really love him. My experience of people with anxiety is that it often turns into control - control in order to alleviate their anxiety. First they control themselves and their own routine, and then they control their environment which often means everything and everyone in it. It takes a lot of self-discipline and self-awareness to be able to curb that tendency. It's not something that's easy to live with or tolerate.

It's not something that's easy to experience either (anxiety).

The fact that he's checking in with you and telling you he loves you is really positive. Don't think of this as a psychological issue but as a physiological issue. He can't consciously control it. His system has become overloaded and has temporarily broken and needs to repair.

Have you ever had the experience where you just can't think? Your head is full of mush? It's like that but all your usual brain systems just aren't functioning properly. Having a meltdown or shutdown is really painful and emotionally draining and at the moment he is really close to the edge of that happening. Think of the stereotypical autistic child lashing out in a supermarket. If you love him you don't want to tip him into a meltdown or a shutdown. That autistic child needs to shut off the stimuli to calm everything down. Maybe it will help to think of it as a neurological/ physiological process and not an emotional process. None of this is personal to you.

Thanks everyone for the really helpful responses. I have had anxiety myself before so know how real and horrible it can be, but this is definitely another level!

I have experienced him being anxious before, almost always over typical ASD triggers like travel plans / perfectionism / changes of plan and he can have little meltdowns over things like forgetting to pay a parking ticket but 95% of the time he is absolutely lovely and we work around his quirks (which are generally adorable). That usually lasts a short time though.

This time though the anxiety is over major life changes with elements he has no control over and he was just stuck in it. It isn't like "normal" anxiety. You can't reason with it or do anything about it. He just has to regain control before he calms and the situation isn't something we can currently control.

That would have been fine on it's own, but simultaneously he had really significant other stressors in his life that were pushing his emotional buttons and making demands of him that he couldn't meet.

I was dealing with a double bereavement and other things too. Just a big mess of things all at once. He kept saying I should be able to rely on him but I couldn't, and then that in turn spirals into putting himself down. He just said he didn't have the emotional capacity.

Yes, I do REALLY LOVE HIM.

Thanks so much @bitheby for the explanation. It's so hard not to take it personally because I can't really understand what he's going through but thankfully he is keeping in touch. I get messages in the morning, lunchtime, after work and then at bedtime. They're usually pretty cold, but stuff like "sorry I am not available, goodnight".

I will just try and be patient, I told him to take what space he needs and will try and keep busy. At least it sounds from your posts above that at least he is safe which is my biggest worry.

I just wanted to say that you both sound really lovely and I hope he recovers soon.

That is such a nice thing to say, thank you. I really hope so too. I am beside myself

Op, i think its a good sign he is checking in with you and explaining things. My ex partner has Aspergers and said he was struggling with a shutdown then phased me out. He said not to wait because it was going to get worse before it got better and then didn't get in touch again. It crushed me at the time. Sometimes i follow these threads to see how things might have been. I hope things work out for you.

Have you discussed the frequency of these messages with him? Ask him if he would rather text in the morning and evening, than several times a day. The main thing is that he feels like he gets the space he needs and that you know he's safe.

I don't want this to sound flippant or inappropriate, but do you think meditation would help him slow his emotional & mental world down? Is that something you've discussed before or he would be open to? It's not for everyone I have no idea if this would be any help for someone with Asperger's but I was just wondering.

Hi OP, I wondered if you'd seen this section on the NAS's website?

www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-guidance/topics/mental-health/autistic-fatigue/autistic-adults

Does he have the support of his workplace with the ASD? Perhaps his GP could sign him off sick for a couple of weeks? I really feel for him and you. It sounds very tough and you both sound lovely. The NAS do have a good helpline, I've used it before for my son. All the best to both of you 💐

All this has been really hugely helpful. I spoke to him about this and he said burnout as @bitheby describes is exactly as he feels. He reiterated he is not suffering, he just feels like a robot. He says he is like a computer running in safe mode.

I asked him what he needed from me, and he said "nothing at the moment, do you need anything from me?" (I said nothing, I am fine).

I asked him if he wanted to keep in contact or be left alone, he said keeping in contact is best.

I asked him if me telling him I love and miss him makes him feel better or worse, he said "a bit better".

We agreed to avoid all taxing stimuli, but talking about NON taxing things is actually nice for him, so we have been doing that.

I told him he will never lose my love, and he replied "same".

I told him he can have another six months to transition through our big life changes and he said that was very reassuring.

He does seem a little better after those conversations, so I will just keep things light and let him know I am there.

@EarthSight I am sure meditation would be great, but he wouldn't do it, so no point suggesting. He gets respite from his special interests, routines and feeling like he is functioning well so I let him do that his own way.

@crosshatching thank you so much, we did look at resources like that online and it helped him feel better. The problem with being signed off work is that part of his "pressure" is work, and feeling like a failure/ he can't make a mistake and so on so the idea of time off sick would actually represent more stress for him.

Thank you for this answer. I'm going through my third round of my aspie partner shutting down and it is painful and difficult not to take it personally. At least this time around he was able to tell me he was feeling too overloaded and thought giving him space and time would be helpful. It has taken us a year for him to express that. He'd previously would just disappear without a word and I'd lose my $h over it thinking he was ghosting me.
It's still painful and I have a lot of thoughts crossing my head and dealing with some insecurities that raise due to this, primarily not knowing if he'll come back to me or not.
Alas... Some days I feel like giving up but I love him.