Battling sister over Mum's care

[jm42]

Hi All
Looking for advice. I'm going out of my mind with anger, frustration & a sense of being cornered massively in a situation I can't seem to get out of.
I lost my father to Covid in early January, both parents were hospitalised with Covid & Critical over Xmas /New Year. Sister also had it at the same time and was flat out. I had to deal with all the emotional trauma, be the single point of contact with the doctors, took the calls to say they were both about to pass away etc. Had to take the heartbreak phone call & tell my mum. Arranged respite care for mum, and paid for it, and organised Dad's funeral single handedly as my sister was recovering from Covid herself and laid up.
Mum came out of respite care & returned home. Not coped too well. Sister insisted that she couldn't live there any more alone & basically took Mum home with her despite protests that she could cope with a little support. I felt forced into it by my sister, despite me saying I would not become a carer & we need to make other arrangements. I tried to get carers to come in daily for mum but sister refused it based on cost and cancelled them. Since then I have been sharing the care between my sister & finding it very stressful as I am not in a position to look after mum 24/7 and just started a new full time job. I love my Mum don't get me wrong, but it's incredibly stressful having her live with me & I have literally no time to myself at all after working a 45 hour week in a new job, and having to constantly check on her, cook for her etc. Evenings are stressful as she is high maintenance in her opinions & commentary, I'm stuck on ITV the whole time & can't watch what I want either. I have had no downtime.
We're trying to arrange a retirement flat for her but its a slow process & in the meantime my son has been undergoing cancer treatment &further tests. I have barely been able to support him. Now my sister has been diagnosed skin cancer after having a mole removed, She d has to go for minor day surgery & has informed me that I now have to have mum living with me for at least the next 6 weeks because she has to self isolate first & then have another 3 weeks of recovery after surgery & can't have mum with her. .
I'm feeling increasingly angry and frustrated with my sister over the whole situation. I've had no time to grieve over the loss of my dad & everything has to be on my sister's terms as it always has been. She's s been controlling, condescending and micro managing at every turn. I fell out with her a couple of times in the past month, when I challenged her over her attitude & the result was she started filtering me away from speaking with my mum and would only communicate via email.
I feel like screaming. I'm now thinking of putting mum back into respite care for the next month so she can be properly looked after but I know my sister will refuse & tell my mum that I'm refusing to have her stay with me. I just don't know how to end this nightmare & frankly I want to distance myself for a few weeks from my sister. Advice please?

Can you clarify where your mother normally lives, does she own her own home ?

As your sister ha to isolate and cannot share any of the care for your mother, tell her your mother must have carers or the respite care. You cannot do it all in your own as you have our commitment to your son, who is having cancer treatment too so surely she can understand what that entails.

Or she has your mother in her own home and they isolate together.

If it is the case that you both have POA for your mother’s health, advise your sister that joint is not working. It needs to be only one of you as you both cannot agree. Ask her if she wants it as then she needs to assume all care and care decisions. If it’s you, then she need to let you carry on. Your sister can’t have it both ways.

Get adult social work involved. They will help work through what your mother needs and what you and and your sister can provide. But most importantly they will provide a voice for your mother to express what she wants which is the but that seems missing at the moment.

You need to refuse to have her. Tell your mum you love her a lot, but you physically and practically cannot do it with the new job and your son's cancer, and she needs to work out something with your sister or go to respite/sheltered housing/whatever is suitable.

Tell your sister that your life is not going to be dictated by what she wants to do about care for your mum. If she wants to keep her at home, it needs to be her home.

Thank you all for the advice. Mum has her own home but it's no longer suitable or safe for her to live there. I told my sister I am not in a position to have mum live with me & suggested respite care. I told The answer I got was "If you're so determined not to help by having her you can tell her you want her to go to care because you don't want her which will cost her 3K".
My response was be an adult & stop throwing bad comments around as it's not constructive. this has to work for everyone not just 1 person. To which I got "Here we go again patronising me as per usual, i'm just stating the truth"
I have now withdrawn myself from the conversation and now have to have mum from Sunday . And I will explain to her what's going on and why I'm not able to look after her.

Does your dm receive any support from community care team - ot assessment, carer visits etc. If not gp needs to refer asap to organise her to cope independently at home, even if just while your dsis recovers. Having said that dm recently had a mole removed, no isolation beforehand, in and out within an hour and home to recover, but probably depends on nature of your dsis case.

Tell your sister to fuck right off and be open and honest with your mum.

You're just one person, you've so much going on. She will understand. If your sister says anything, just shut her down immediately.

Ass hat.

I don't understand how your sister taking your mum into her house has resulted in you looking after your mum at your house? It doesn't sound like you live with your sister?

Firstly ask your Mum what she wants. She may well not want what your sister wants!.
Secondly, tell sister what you can do, ie I can cook Mums tea on Tuesday, I can take her shopping on Friday etc. Then ask sister what help she can provide. If her answer if none, then getting paid care or respite is the only solution.

@Mmadness i'm very close to telling her to F* off.
We all live separately. My sister is having a minor procedure under local anaesthetic in/out in a morning & tells me she has to self isolate for a week before hand (she didn't the first time round) and afterwards & that she is considered highly vulnerable. I don't beleive her.
Mum isnt getting any support from community care team, sister took over & has been controlling every aspect & insisting we share the care between us.

Irrespective of what your sister says arrange respite care for your mum, if your sister is self isolating there is nothing she can do to prevent it.

Whilst your mum is in respite care get adult social services involved to assess her and her home environment, what adaptions can be made, what level of care does she need, how would this be funded, how much help can you and your sister realistically provide alongside any other care.

If your sister is determined that you mother should live with her and she will be responsible for all her care then that is up to your sister but you need to make it clear that you cannot share the care due to your own circumstances.

Make adult social care aware of your concerns regarding your sister controlling everything and trying to force you into something which, at present, you are unable to commit to.

Your mother's wishes also need to be heard, does she want to live with either of you?