Letting go of resentment of the past

[LambHamb]

I apologise in advance as I don't want to miss anything out so this might be long.

DH and I met as teenagers and are now early 30s. When we met I had no idea this would be the man I married and gave children with. I had dumped him early on in the relationship but found out I was pregnant so we got back together. We moved far away for his job so I had no friends or family around. I had pnd and was scared to leave the house without him. He was very unsympathetic, gave me so support. He didn't help with the baby, went out with his friends all weekend and slept until midday every single weekend. His life stayed the same while I was having the worst time of my life. He never acknowledged my pnd. I was young, my childhood wasn't normal and I didn't realise the life I was living wasn't normal. Looking back I should ahve left but I honestly just didn't know. He also never gave me any money.

When DC1 was 1 I found out I was pregnant again. As far as I was aware, we were trying for DC2 but when I said I was pregnant he was very angry and didn't want the baby. So DC2 was born and I still didn't really have any money. To be fair to him, I don't think he realised I needed any as I never asked (childhood reasons, I ahve weird money issues) again he didn't help with the kids or housework ect. He did stop going out as much. Although I think this is because a lot of his friends moved away not because he saw the problem if that makes sense. Anyway I got an evening job once a week when DC2 was a year old so he had to look after the kids for 4 hours abs I ahve to admit it helped massively. Things did start to change.

Fast forward to the last few years....

We had an accidental pregnancy which resulted with DC3. Before I found out I was pregnant, I had dc1&2 in school, I had a few friends and a job I enjoyed and a life outside the house which DH wasn't apart of. Probably the happiest I've been my whole adult life. Finding out I was pregnant hit me hard, I was devastated. DH was angry and wanted an abortion. I said I was goifb through with it and he came round. Promising to help this time.

DC are now 10,8,1 and DH is better. Not perfect but 100% better than he was with the other 2. But it's not enough. I still do 95% of everything child related. DC2 has special needs and is super hard work. I'm fed up of always having to be calm and patient one. Sometimes DC2 really winds me up and I can't just take 5 mins to calm down and have DH step in because he just looses his temper and shouts which you can't do with DC2. He has to be dealt with in a certain way or he sends up having a meltdown and either breaking something, hurting himself ect. DC1 clashes with DH nearly everyday. She is 10 now and deserves not to be treated like a naughty child. We are very close and it worries me that it's so obvious she prefers me. She will come up stairs and whisper things like 'he's in a bad mood again' ect. This is bad I know. I try to stay neutral and not act like it's 'us against him' but it feel like it sometimes.

Another issue I ahve is that he doesn't cook. Ever. I do all food shopping. He can't. All meal planning, cooking everything. He says me can't cook but I couldn't cook either but I taught myself while having pnd and a new baby on my own. I didn't have Internet then either. I am a sahm at the moment so obviously don't expect him to be cooking every night but once a week at the weekend or when I'm ill ect. This causes so many arguments and he has finally said he will learn but wants me to teach him.

So housework wise, obviously as a sahm I expect to do most of it. But back when I was working I was still expected to do most of it. He does do some now but I have to tell him over and over again how to do it properly as he does it wrong and it makes more work for me.

Also, I never get any Christmas birthday ect presents or effort made for me.for example My birthday is just a normal day. I have up on doing anyrhig for his special occasions a few years ago too.

Now to get to my point. He seems to be trying to change slightly now and IS better. But I can't forget the past. I'm in my 30s now. I know I should ahve left after DC1 I just didn't realise at the time. I'm so so resentful. If I ever bring up how he was with dc1&2 he gets really annoyed and says he can't do anything about it now and I've got to get over it but I just can't. I feel so sorry for my younger self. I have developed as a person and have strong feminist views which he isn't in complete agreement with. The environment is so important to me too and isn't to him. I know he's entitled to his opinion but it does cause arguments.

I've been thinking about our relationship a lot recently. I'm worried if we split up I'd be isolated because of where we live. We do get on and have a laugh. It's not constant arguments. He's trying to be better but how can I let go of my resentment of the past? Do I want to? I'm so sorry this is so long. I cut some stuff out to make it shorter.

You are allowed to leave and you can move to a different area if that's what you want.

@Ahmose thank you for replying. I'm not sure if I want to leave him though. I don't know what I want. I'm not sure I could move as the kids are happy here.

Also, I apologise for the lack of paragraphs. I did add them in when writing this but they seem to have disappeared!

Personally I think you need to talk to him and maybe a professional as well.
The way I see it you have 3 options

1. Stay as you are, feel miserable.
2. Leave him.
3. Stay but work on it.

Honestly, are you really able to accept all this stuff?
Neither of you sound happy.

Does not sound like he’s doing much more now.

She will come up stairs and whisper things like 'he's in a bad mood again' ect. This is bad I know. I try to stay neutral and not act like it's 'us against him' but it feel like it sometimes.

Heartbreaking she whispers this to you. I was her. My mum also took the stance that parents should be a United front so it wasn't 'us' versus 'them' which meant despite the fact she had good intentions I often felt anxious, upset and invisible at home. Because I would be upset about things that were perfectly reasonable to be upset about (being snapped at by dad / dad's mood dictating the mood of the whole home / him snapping at mum etc) and told to shush and behave.

It left me thinking that men are allowed to rule the roost at home, women's role is to make things 'nice' and calm for everyone else's sake even when the party causing upset is wrong, that it is women's job to regulate men's mood and that even when you are being reasonable and are in the right you will be treated as unreasonable and wrong if you are a child and / or a woman.

Took me years (therapy and shit relationships) to unpack, unlearn and only now in my early 30s do I feel I am ready to be a mum without passing those lessons on (because I've worked bloody hard to unlearn them) despite wanting to be one for years and years.

The legacy of a home with two parents is overrated if those parents don't really get on, aren't on the same page when it comes to parenting and discipline, aren't equally invested in the relationship or the children and rely one one partner always eventually conceding to the other in order to keep the peace.

I would reconsider whether staying together is really good for anyone involved. It's less hassle and more convenient to him, I suppose. Is that really reason enough?

Why do want to forget, given that he's still not pulling anything like his weight? You're essentially trying to forget something that is still 90% in your life. You can't forget the present.

Why don't you want to leave him, rather than stay because he's 10% better than the worst possible partner?

Honestly he does so much more than before. I know it's not enough but there's so much improvement compared to when dc1&2 were babies. Back then it was as though he rented a room off me or soemthing. No family involvement at all.

I've had a conversation before about me not being happy and he's adamant that he is happy with me. I don't really get it. It's not about him having an easy life with me because if he left he would go back to living with his mum who would wait on him hand and foot.

But you're saying there's a problem for you and then saying he's doing more. If he's doing more, that only counts if he's doing enough. If he's not doing enough, there's still a problem.

Stop excusing his current failings based on the fact that his previous failings were worse. He's still screwing up. And even if he wasn't, you're perfectly entitled to stay upset with him for how he was. It's not your job to forgive everybody who wrongs you. Why should you let it go? He hurt you. He did damage. If he didn't want you to be hurt on a permanent basis, he shouldn't have risked it. You're trying to take all the responsibility for his past errors, whilst he is still making some of them and taking no responsibility at all.

You're so right. I'm just very confused. I don't know what it's supposed to feel like;being in a long term relationship. I don't really know what I want from this thread.

This sounds awful and I imagine it's affecting your children more than you realise, especially your little girl, from what you've said. It also sounds like you still don't have healthy boundaries.

I would be insisting on therapy and that if he doesn't start behaving respectfully to you and the children, and doing his fair share with them and the house, I would leave.

I am a single parent and it's perfectly possible to be happy without a man. It sounds to me like you can't really imagine life without him even if it's rubbish being with him, because you've never been an independent adult outside this relationship. But you do not have to live this miserable half existence where you excuse him being a manchild. Please demand respect and equal parenting from him and, if he can't do that, then respect yourself enough to move on.

It's supposed to feel like sometimes there might be ups and downs, but fundamentally, nothing so bad or pervasive that you'd feel the need to post on a forum about it!

He's done irreparable damage to the relationship, by the sounds of it. And has only slightly improved his behaviour since.

Whatever you encounter once you're out of the relationship will be better than being constantly let down and having to do most of everything yourself anyway.

There's nothing confusing here. He's treating you like shit, to varying degrees, over time. You're confusing yourself because you don't want to admit that and take the necessary steps towards independence and responsibility for yourself.

You also stated how much happier you were when working and having some independence so I'd be looking to start working again asap. This will also help you immensely if you do decide to leave him.