Friends with benefits

ComtesseDeSpair · 17/03/2021 15:11

I think anyone else’s views are simply going to be speculation. Who knows why she’d distance herself or why he’s worried about it. Maybe he’s hoping to start a FWB arrangement with her, also, and doesn’t want to put her off. Maybe he really values her as a friend and doesn’t want to make her feel sidelined or think that because he is now “seeing” somebody that she needs to back off and stop being his friend in case you get jealous of their friendship.

Would this situation bother me? No, but my attitude to relationships isn’t a particularly conventional one.

The whole point of FWB arrangements is that they’re supposed to be all the good bits of a friendship and sexual connection without all the draggy and undesirable bits of a relationship. If you’re investing your time and energy into wondering why he does what he does or what his relationships are like with other people he sees then ultimately, you’re doing it wrong and this probably isn’t the ideal set up for you. Have a good think about whether you actually want to be FWB - in which case, stop speculating on his friendship - or whether you’re hoping for something more - in which case, if he’s made it clear that isn’t on offer, look to end things.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 17/03/2021 15:21

This is a relationship, regardless of what he calls it. Is the issue that he doesn't want to be exclusive? Would you see other people, if they came along? If you don't have clarity on this, it would probably help to get it. You might find this article a useful take on it, from When a guy won't call you his girlfriend from A New Mode.

DivorcedAndDelighted · 17/03/2021 15:29

Just wanted to add - I also have a FWB, and he has a female close friend, and he told her about us right away. Because she's a friend first and foremost, and she has her own love life, go I'd wonder about that one. But if you're really FWB then what he does when he's not with you shouldn't really bother you. But because you're spending so much time with him, maybe you've emotionally bonded with him in a conventional way, so you're heart feels that he's your boyfriend.
It's not easy navigating this Wild West world of relationships nowadays, is it? I can empathise

category12 · 17/03/2021 20:36

Clearly you want more out of it than he does, if you've had a conversation in which It was confirmed today that it's not a relationship. You're being very foolish to continue with it, if you want more and he has blatantly told you he doesn't. You need to take it at face-value, not waste your time debating his behaviour and worrying about his friendships/more than friendships.

But this is your regular thread topic, isn't it? I'm sure I've read the same scenario multiple times.

BehindMyEyes · 17/03/2021 20:50

@sunnydaysxxx

I have had a friends with benefits for 6 months. Met online dating. Both agreed to FWB. It started off sleeping with each obviously but then it went to going out together, the friends stuff too. Fast forward 6 months and he asks me to stay every night. Wants to spend days with me too. It was confirmed today that it's not a relationship but he said he feels happy atm and my happiness matters to him.

But just to twist it up. He has a best friend he met a year and a half ago on a dating site. They are best friends. He doesn't stay round her house and she doesn't go to his often. They have dinner together once a week and do something on the weekend.
He doesn't want to tell her we are sleeping together because he is worried she will distance herself.
I am 98% sure they're just friends. I just don't understand why she'd distance herself.

What's your thoughts or opinions on this whole situation?

I would very much bet that he is telling her the same thing - that you are a friend and that he is likely shagging her too .

optimistic40 · 17/03/2021 20:52

It sounds to me like he has feelings for this woman and does not want her to know that he is sleeping with someone in case it puts her off getting together with him. People don't mind telling a normal friend that they're seeing someone, do they?

Summerhillsquare · 17/03/2021 21:07

Well, he's having his cake and eating it, isn't he? What do YOU want, and how are you going about it?

Suzi888 · 17/03/2021 21:10

@Summerhillsquare

Well, he's having his cake and eating it, isn't he? What do YOU want, and how are you going about it?

^^ this. Plus, it IS a relationship, that’s not FWB.

SarahBellam · 17/03/2021 21:16

You’re a friend with benefits. He has told you that straight to your face. He has been perfectly clear. After 6 months he’d know if he wanted to be in a relationship with you. He very clearly doesn’t. And to be fair to him, it’s you that wants to shift the goalposts, not him. He has basically told you you’re not girlfriend material to your face. Believe him and decide whether that’s good enough for you. He will leave you when he falls in love with someone else - it may be his friend, it may be someone he meets at the bus stop next week. Regardless, it’s not going to be you.

SugarTown · 17/03/2021 21:25

I had a FWB that I met around 2 years ago, though we decided to make the arrangement exclusive (his call). We became very good friends and remain so, though he decided to call time on the benefits part about 6 months ago. I see him regularly, generally weekly, and go to his place. We go for walks etc.

From my personal point of view if I found out he had been seeing someone for 6 months without mentioning anything I’d be somewhat hurt. Partly because of the whole pandemic thing. We see each other as we’ve effectively bubbled with one another. I wouldn’t be happy to have potentially been put at risk if he was seeing someone else. The other thing would be because I’ve got a lot of feelings for him; I’m not really over the physical side and would have liked things to continue. Although I’d understand and want for him to be happy, I’d distance myself because I’d be upset. Just my point of view on why she may distance herself.

BehindMyEyes · 18/03/2021 00:23

@SugarTown

I had a FWB that I met around 2 years ago, though we decided to make the arrangement exclusive (his call). We became very good friends and remain so, though he decided to call time on the benefits part about 6 months ago. I see him regularly, generally weekly, and go to his place. We go for walks etc.

From my personal point of view if I found out he had been seeing someone for 6 months without mentioning anything I’d be somewhat hurt. Partly because of the whole pandemic thing. We see each other as we’ve effectively bubbled with one another. I wouldn’t be happy to have potentially been put at risk if he was seeing someone else. The other thing would be because I’ve got a lot of feelings for him; I’m not really over the physical side and would have liked things to continue. Although I’d understand and want for him to be happy, I’d distance myself because I’d be upset. Just my point of view on why she may distance herself.

Are you hanging on then in case he changes his mind ?

ScoobyCat · 18/03/2021 00:39

Despite what tv and magazines try and tell you OP we humans are biologically programmed to pair up with a mate, so the reason you are starting to feel insecure/not quite right is because you aren’t happy with the arrangement, which is completely understandable, 6 months seems a fair length of time to be dating (which is what FWB is whatever name you want to give it !) and its reasonable you want to move into relationship territory.

If you like this person then tell him, and if he doesn’t want a relationship then cut your losses and move on. Better off single and happy then in a messy arrangement which leaves you feeling insecure and unhappy.

Sstrongtn · 18/03/2021 01:10

@BehindMyEyes he decided to be exclusive, he decided to end the physical side? Take your power back you’re going to end up very very VERY hurt.

@sunnydaysxxx that isn’t FWB, it’s way too intense and seeing him everyday at his request but being told you aren’t good enough for girlfriend is cruel.

You obviously don’t want just FWB or you wouldn’t be feeling (rightly) jealous of this other woman, who he clearly does see as GF material, nor would you give this man all of your precious time.

Time to cut and run, protect yourself.

SugarTown · 18/03/2021 10:08

@BehindMyEyes Not really, like I say we are really good friends otherwise, though if he offered to start the physical side again I wouldn’t say no 😕

@Sstrongtn I’m already hurt I think. It’s a complicated situation all around. There are feelings on both sides, but more on mine. It’s complicated and I don’t want to hijack the thread.

BehindMyEyes · 18/03/2021 11:26

[quote SugarTown]@BehindMyEyes Not really, like I say we are really good friends otherwise, though if he offered to start the physical side again I wouldn’t say no 😕

@Sstrongtn I’m already hurt I think. It’s a complicated situation all around. There are feelings on both sides, but more on mine. It’s complicated and I don’t want to hijack the thread.[/quote]
The reason I asked is because I was in a similar situation and he wouldn't commit to me. He wanted to continue to be friends . I walked away and it was one of the wisest decisions of my life . I am now with a man who loves me and wants to spend his time with me - not arsing about . This "friends" situation will always stop you from moving on and establishing a new worthwhile relationship . "Not really" says it all .

Bluecomfort · 18/03/2021 11:57

@optimistic40

It sounds to me like he has feelings for this woman and does not want her to know that he is sleeping with someone in case it puts her off getting together with him. People don't mind telling a normal friend that they're seeing someone, do they?

That’s what I got from it. If she was just a friend then the op wouldn’t need to be kept secret. He likes this new woman more than the op and doesn’t want the op’s existence to jeopardise a potential new relationship