Co-parenting with difficult ex - help with boundaries.

[orchidsun]

Hello all, LP with one DD, age 7.

ExP is difficult, all care is done at my house, she lives with me and I enable contact.

ExPs house is a bombsite and neither of us has visited since DD was born because it's so unsuitable (hoarder). He also has MH issues.

We maintain a fair relationship for the sake of my DD but I have realised he is driving me increasingly crazy.

When he comes over he refuses to leave for hours (bedtime can go on for hours) and also is really depressing to be around (rants on and on about pet subjects, is a general pessimist). I'm struggling to be around it. I cannot allow care at his house. But if I want him to retain a relationship with DD have to be around him,

I cannot allow contact without me there because he fails to meet her needs properly so I try to supervise contact.

He pushes back against any restrictions I make on him being here, e.g. when asked to leave will leave it several hours before leaving, he also has an OCD type behaviour so doing anything takes hours (he will need to check every single item on his person several times before he is ready to leave).

He is a bit Jekyll and Hydey so I struggle to communicate with him. It's like I have to tip toe around him. Boundaries are not respected.

If anyone has any tips on enforcing better boundaries I would be grateful. He does a nice act to get in my good books then will turn horrid again.

I'm finding it affects me more and more. I don't have any family locally. DD loves her dad and so I want to maintain their relationship.

I just need better boundaries around him when he's here. I also struggle a bit with boundaries because of the loneliness of being a LP - lockdown plus no family locally means I tolerate more than I should of his company. I have very few friends in the area, despite trying to make them many times. thanks

First thought on this because of his OCD and because of your boundaries he needs a timescale to adhere to.

I really try with this Anordinarymum, but he fails to follow any timescales set. If I say please leave by 6pm he won't leave until 9pm. He is without fail late every single time he comes over sometimes to the tune of 2-3hours. He is unwell so blames it on his physical illness.

I do need to enforce leaving times a bit better though I guess.

How old is DD op? Have you thought about the implications of having this man in your home like this week in week out until she's a teenager for example?
He has mental health issues, his house is unsafe, he can't meet her needs unsupervised. What is the benefit to DD having him around?

Use a contact centre. Or public place such as park or McDonald's. Not your home. If he can't/won't then that's on him.

What titchy said.

There are plenty of other options aside from your house or his house

@titchy

Use a contact centre. Or public place such as park or McDonald's. Not your home. If he can't/won't then that's on him.

This was my thought. Or does he have family near by? My brother moved into a house share when he split from his wife so used our mums house for contact weekends.

You defo can't continue like this! He is not your responsibility at all. Not his messy house, not his mental health and I'm sorry but not his relationship with your daughter.

He needs to take responsibility for himself. Including getting himself help if he really has got an actual diagnosed mental health condition.... so many men use this to manipulate women. Amazing how many of them are self diagnosed when it suits them yet never seen a doctor about it.

I'm sure you will get some good advice on here. But this situation is not something I think anyone should have to put up with.