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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm 30 weeks pregnant and he needs space

26 replies

lezard0 · 17/03/2021 11:48

I really don't know what to do. I'm 17 and I'm 30 weeks pregnant and he told me he needs space.

We've been together for 2 years in total although we broke up in October as we had a big argument and we both said things we shouldn't have. In January I decided to give him another chance and got back with him and our relationship has been good. On Monday he seemed weird when we were texting as he didn't seem very interested in the conversation we were having as he kept saying 'ok' and when I asked him if he was ok he said no but told me not to worry. Yesterday when we were texting he told me he was 'kind of ok' but when I asked him what was wrong he told me not to worry and that it was stupid. I didn't want to keep pestering him about what was wrong so I left it.

Today he's told me he 'needs space' and told me not to text him. I don't know what I want from this thread but I don't want to talk to my mum or any friends as they all told me not to get back with him

OP posts:
Wondermule · 17/03/2021 11:51

I hate to say it OP, but your mum and friends are right aren’t they? 17 year old boys just aren’t mature enough to be father material. However you are where you are, and you need to protect yourself and your baby now. What is your situation? Do you have a job? Do you live at home? What are your future plans?

Wanderlusto · 17/03/2021 11:58

Tbf, its been what, 2 months, since you decided to try again? And already he has flounced off. I think you're starting to realise the guy isn't a keeper right?

I mean, fair play, it must be daunting to think of being a parent that young (assuming he is 17 too). But it seems he is absolutely only thinking of him self. And if your parents and friends don't like him, I recon only thinking about himself is probably normal behaviour for him right?

You have an actual child on the way. Maybe do yourself the favour of not letting the man child back in. You'll have enough on your plate without him.

But swallow your pride and contact those who have proved to you that they care for you. You need consistent ppl in your life now. Being an adult doesnt mean you dont make mistakes or bad choices, it means that when you do, you own up to them and pick yourself back up again and try not to make similar mistakes again.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 17/03/2021 12:04

Talk to your mum and your friends. They saw him as someone who let you down. They put you first, you should too. So talk to them and let them know you need help.

You, and he, are so young. Not being able to grow up quickly is easier for boys, they aren't the ones carrying the baby. Don't hate him, but you can feel sorry that he isn't grown up enough to work through this with you rather than just blocking you.

So, have a cry. Then go and talk to your mum. Swallow your pride, do what is best for you and your soon to be child.

Good luck working through it all.

Original poster
lezard0 · 17/03/2021 12:25

I was told not to get back with him because of how he treated me. He told me he still wants to be with me but he needs space.

OP posts:
Wavescrashingonthebeach · 17/03/2021 12:27

You are both so so young.
Dont let him wreck your head.
Try and focus on your baby and the support from family and friends.
Just leave him to it. Maybe he will shape up, maybe he won't. Try not to let that be your focus right now.

Mischance · 17/03/2021 12:36

Of course he needs space - he is feeling too young to be Dad! I really do think that you should listen to your parents and friends - these are the people you will be able to rely on when your baby arrives; not the baby's father who is clearly wanting out.

I hope that your birth goes well and that your family welcome the new grandchild. But please don't hang your hopes on this young man.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 17/03/2021 12:37

@lezard0

I was told not to get back with him because of how he treated me. He told me he still wants to be with me but he needs space.
He will always need space. Think about what 'space' actually means. He doesn't want to be with you, to support you at the end of your pregnancy. He wants to do what? Xbox?

Put yourself first. Lean only on people who have shown they won't walk away from you and will chance upsetting you by telling you the hard truths.

I'd tell you he is complete waste of space and there are so many threads about men just like him, but he isn't the important person here. You are!

Basically, sort yourself out as though he doesn't exist. Then he can't let you down again, can he?

Original poster
lezard0 · 17/03/2021 13:32

He told me it's nothing to do with being a dad. I'm focusing on me and the baby but I'm not sure what to do as he told me he'd support me all through this pregnancy and when I give birth. I messaged him asking what he meant and he's seen it but hasn't replied.

OP posts:
Wondermule · 17/03/2021 13:35

I’m sure he did tell you that OP but he’s 17. What support did you expect? Does he work? Has he paid for the baby things? Taken you to scans? We need more info on the whole situation before any advice can be offered.

Original poster
lezard0 · 17/03/2021 14:37

He has paid for a few baby things. He's doing an apprenticeship. He's been to the scans and before I took a pregnancy test he told me he'd support me if it was positive and that he'd try and be a good dad

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 17/03/2021 15:03

We aren't saying we don't believe you or him, but actions speak louder than words and he simply isn't there for you. He hasn't yet made the switch from teen to grown up.

What we ARE saying is that you now know you cannot rely on him, so do what is best for you and the baby.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/03/2021 15:07

Listen to your mum because she knows of what she speaks. Sadly, you will never be able to depend on your boyfriend, and if he doesn't treat you properly he certainly won't be a good father. Prepare to be a single mum, because that's the reality you're facing.

JovialNickname · 17/03/2021 15:23

Hi OP and sorry things are so difficult right now Flowers

You need to talk to your mum. I know it's hard, and embarrassing that she might have been right but she does love you, and you're going to need her now. Your boyfriend is still coming to terms with everything (and hopefully he will be there to support you) but whilst he's having this wobble, you need your mum. The sooner you tell her the sooner she can help. I'm sure she won't care that she might have been right, she will just want to support you. It doesn't mean your partner will never be there or that he's a bad person, it's just that having more than one person on side can only be a good thing. xx

JovialNickname · 17/03/2021 15:25

I know men that have had children at that age and have stepped up. I don't think it's a given that he won't be a good dad. But, right now you can't depend on him because he's working things out in his own head. For now, lean on your mum x

SandyY2K · 17/03/2021 17:12

It's best to block him and be glad you have the support of your family.

Suagar · 17/03/2021 18:13

Congratulations OPFlowers

Focus on your baby who will be the love of your life when he/she is born. They'll also be a lovely addition to your family. Your boyfriend may improve after the birth or in the future when he's older but it's not worth stressing about right now Flowers

Original poster
lezard0 · 17/03/2021 18:58

I don't want to block him as I know he wants to be involved in baby's life.

He replied to me and told me he doesn't want to text anyone not just me but when I asked him what was wrong he said he doesn't want to talk about it

OP posts:
Wondermule · 17/03/2021 19:03

Forget about him. Easier said than done but what’s your other option? Stressing about it through your last weeks of pregnancy? You can’t chase a moody teenage boy around with a tiny baby.

What are your plans for after the baby is born? Are you going back to education? The best thing you can do for baby right now is have a plan so you don’t end up stuck on universal credit in a dingy flat somewhere or stuck at home forever.

mybonnieliesovertheocean2 · 17/03/2021 19:12

Sadly same thing happened to my sister, pregnant at 17, dated the boy for two years. He disappeared after the baby was a month old and never saw the DC again. Neither did his family as they thought he was too young and should move on( lovely). Unfortunately girls, woman are left holding the baby when the boys/men take off. So you have no choice but to get on with it. Your relationship isn’t stable , you have already split up and he now wants space despite you being 30 weeks pregnant, he told you he would be there for you and he isn’t. It’s time for you to seek your support from your friends and family as you will need them.

Babyiskickingmyribs · 17/03/2021 20:06

Get things sorted for yourself so that you’ll be ok whether or not he comes around and decides to be an involved dad. Are you going to live with your mum once the baby’s born? Unless she doesn’t treat you well that’s probably the best plan. Would she come with you to the hospital while you give birth? You’ll probably want someone there. Have you got all the things you need for the baby? You don’t need lots of fancy new stuff but you do need the basics covered. Call him once the baby is born. If he’s employed you can start getting things organized so that he pays child support too. And as a pp just mentioned, start to think about what you want to do long term - what kind of job would you like to be doing in a few years time? What training/courses do you need to do to get there? What help can you get with childcare while you do that training?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 17/03/2021 21:35

Tell him to talk to his family, to get some support for himself, someone to talk to about how he is feeling without any pressure to do anything he doesn't want to.

But don't feel you have to step in and save him from feeling sad. You have a baby to think of. You have to put yourself and the baby first. He isn't, he is having a good old wallow in self pity. Leave him to his family, they will know how to talk to him.

He is being really selfish you know? Making all the difficulties around the baby the two of you made his to feel and yours to deal with. He needs to work his way out of that pity party without making you feel baby worse.

What he should have said to you was an apology and a promise to sort his head out.

Original poster
lezard0 · 17/03/2021 21:45

I have got most of the things for baby I just need to get some more clothes for him. I will be staying with my mum.

OP posts:
Original poster
lezard0 · 17/03/2021 22:01

@CuriousaboutSamphire

Tell him to talk to his family, to get some support for himself, someone to talk to about how he is feeling without any pressure to do anything he doesn't want to.

But don't feel you have to step in and save him from feeling sad. You have a baby to think of. You have to put yourself and the baby first. He isn't, he is having a good old wallow in self pity. Leave him to his family, they will know how to talk to him.

He is being really selfish you know? Making all the difficulties around the baby the two of you made his to feel and yours to deal with. He needs to work his way out of that pity party without making you feel baby worse.

What he should have said to you was an apology and a promise to sort his head out.

He told me his family knew but they think he's fine now as they'd think he's being stupid.

He told me I wouldn't understand why he's upset

OP posts:
SmeleanorSmellstrop · 18/03/2021 08:11

Sounds like he's an attention seeking child with his mysterious, juvenile replies.

Even if he does come back, he will bail again.

If you don't want to give up on him then don't, but please build your plans around him NOT being in the picture. Then if he is, fine, but if he does let you down then you're ready and will be fine.

CuriousaboutSamphire · 18/03/2021 08:39

He told me his family knew but they think he's fine now as they'd think he's being stupid. Then he needs to tell them he is not fine, he may well be being stupid, but he has to work throught that, for his own sake. You can't do it for him.

He told me I wouldn't understand why he's upset That's REALLY not right of him! He is playing silly games with your emotions. Don't let him.

Look, bluntly, because you seem to be putting him ahead of yoruself all the time, stop talking to him abot his feelings, his actions. Make sure you, your family and friends are all sorted to support you, to plan your future as a single parent. Then, as @SmeleanorSmellstrop whether he comes good or not you will be fine.

Even more bluntly? Stop fannying around after his fragile little ego and put yourself and unborn child first!

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