What bonds you and your SO?

[ChangChang]

Really directed at people beyond first marriages, etc. If you don’t share biological children, each have own properties and previous marriages - what bonds you and your partner? Concerned that there’s no real ‘roots’ or meaningful connection in my relationship, and it’s not helping my anxiety...

Shared interests from outside any children or previous relationships. My partner, who I dont live with, and I are into music and anything aviation so we bond over all of that.

Thanks @litterbird, that makes sense. I guess because things are as they are and can’t get out and about as much at the moment, it just feels a little more difficult to pursue shared interests. Beyond that, do you feel like you have shared. / similar ideas about your future together, are there things that you fee excited about sharing as a couple? I guess my worry is that we won’t share any of the major, meaningful occasions together and it makes me feel a bit sad...

Yes we very much share our vision for the future, we are planning to move abroad once the last child moves out. We don't have any children together.
We enjoy running, hiking, pubs, same friends, cooking and travelling together. Probably more.
We spend a lot of time together but also have our own friends and interests too

And also I have a baby grandchild (very young grandparent) but she is very much our grandchild, he couldn't love her any more if she was his own

How long have you been with your partner op? I’m in a similar boat - partner of two years after twenty years with my dc’s father. We’ll never have dc together but In the longer term we are planning to live together (although we will not be combining finances).

I just think the connection either grows with time or doesn’t and fades away. We started with a very strong physical connection and I was very anxious and insecure. We have a more emotional connection now, it’s weird we don’t have that much in common, but still find a lot to talk about. He respects me and asks for my advice / opinion on things which I’m not used to and we have lots of in jokes and silliness now. Generally things are fun but we do support each other, I have struggled with homeschooling, and he has had some awful stuff in his life which I have supported him with too.

Vision of the future together, sense of humour (big one), desire to be kind, affectionate, tolerant and supportive to each other, same work ethics, and same personality types (socially loud, privately quiet).

@ChangChang...my partner is a working musician so will be travelling world wide once the world opens up on tours, so we discuss things like meeting up in the places he is gigging. We have lightly discussed moving in but that is in a very distant future. We have been planning more aviation weekends away in the UK to visit old aircraft and air shows when the lockdown lifts. The thing that works for us is there is no pressure for us to build memories, neither of us are anxious about that, we are a couple that live in the moment. It could be to do with our ages, he is 64 and I am 56 so we have lived a life already and just enjoying each day we are with each other. The slower pace of life has been a godsend to us as we just deal with 24 hours at a time. Before you know it you have small bits of memories that you have created together and slowly it unravels over time. Be patient and live for now.

I'm in a similar position - newish partner (2.5 years) after a very long marriage and we have no shared kids, no plans to move in together or get married. All my previous "commitment" goalposts had gone out the window (didn't help that my ex completely betrayed my trust and made it very difficult to feel that commitment meant anything anymore).
I worried that once the "fun" bit was less exciting - what would there be to hold us together. But recently I went through a real low point in my life where my new partner got to see me at my weakest. His overwhelming support and kindness over this period really cemented for me that he's here to stay - not just for the fun bits.

I also think the more we share and listen to each other and support each other through life's ups and downs that that bond will continue to grow.
Maybe one day we will move in together but not til our kids have left home probably. We do plan holidays together though which keeps things exciting and I am hoping he will move closer to me so that we can spend more time together.
We also commit to seeing each other once a week and every other weekend which is most we can manage with kids and distance. We rarely break that commitment unless one of us has a good reason.

We do all the fun stuff too - great sex, leisure activities, cooking, music gigs on the weekends (pre-covid) when we don't have the kids. It seems like the best of both worlds at the moment. He's also very handy with a drill, which is a bonus .

Well, love and how you feel about each other, innit?

I mean, logically, if you're divorced and have done the house-buying and children thing already, then you already know that those things meaning it's going to be "forever" doesn't quite work . Those chains of commitment can be shrugged off.

If you don't feel meaningfully connected with him, then maybe the relationship isn't the right one, rather than it being lack of escalators.