In limbo with relationship and struggling

[Silvercarpet]

I feel like a complete idiot, posting on here talking about my life to complete strangers. This isn’t my first post recently. But I’m struggling, so fucking much!!
Me and my partner have been together 10 years, we have kids together, a home, a life! Things haven’t always been perfect but we’ve always got through everything together in the end and to me that what makes it so perfect.
We lost his dad in January and since the loss he has been consumed with grief. He’s moved in with his mum (initially to support her after the loss) but he refuses to come home. Well atleast now he does. Up u til about a week ago things were hard, he’s been distant, hasn’t really spent any time with me but we’ve still been together. Although he said he needed space because he was struggling with everything. Last weekend we had spent some time together, he was talking about coming home soon, talking about things we’re going to do to the house or buy for the house etc, making future plans. He had told me how much he loves me etc and promised me that we was going to b ok and get through this just like we got through everything else life threw at us over the years. Then literally two days later he told me he doesn’t want to b with me anymore. That he wants to b on his own. Tells me he still loves me and fancies me etc but just that he wants to b on his own and when I ask if that’s for good he says “who knows” or “I don’t know what the future holds or what I will want”. He refuses to change his relationship status on Facebook to single, hasn’t taken himself off all the family group chats etc and in regards to what everyone else sees, we r still together and we still laugh together. But that couldn’t be further from what’s actually going on!
I can’t let go of him! Everything we have together. He’s my whole life, and without him I feel so worthless I just want to end it all. But I’m that fucking useless that I haven’t even got the balls to do that! He still messages me etc and I feel like I still have hope but it’s so hard to have hope at the same time. It’s so hard to explain everything I’m feeling. I know he’s grieving and it’s hit him hard, and if he needs space then so be it! But y do we have to be seperated in order for him to get through this? I spend everyday just about getting myself up and getting the kids off to school, quickly muddle through the housework, and then I spend the rest of the day in bed, either sleeping, or trying to speak to him to make some sense of things, or just laying there crying my heart out and ignoring everything until I have to put that brace face on and pretend I’m ok for when the kids come back again. I truly believe he is the only man I will love like this and I know it sounds stupid but he is my whole life, I met him and everything fell into place. I have a home, a family, we have a good social life together. There’s just no me without him and I don’t know how to deal with this. I will wait for him there’s no doubt about that, but am I fooling myself? And if I am then how the hell do I carry on? I just can’t

The only way you're going to get control is to take it back.

Its REALLY hard but you have to do it. Stop begging him to come back....tell him he has to arrange contact with the kids now and no more happy families. Tell him since he has now left you, you're back on the market and looking to move on with a new partner in future.

Then stop messaging him unless it's about the kids.

He will either come to his senses pretty sharpish or he will carry on. It does sound like mental health issues...like he's gone back to his safe childhood home and regressed.

I get what ur saying, but I can’t! I physically can’t. He’s the only person iv ever truly opened up to. He knows me inside and out and he knows that I would never just move on.
In regards to mental health issues, ur probably right. He needs to get some really help to deal with his grief but there’s no telling him. It’s easier for him to ignore how he’s feeling and to shut everything out. He is very close to his mum and has always been close to her, when we found out his dad had cancer and didn’t have long left he always said he would go to stay with her to support her and he did just that. But he has said that being there makes him feel closer to his dad. He sleeps in his dads bed, sits in his dads armchair. I get it I do, it’s completely broken him losing his dad, more than he imagined it would. But to tell me he wants to b on his own is earth shattering to me and I’m finding life so difficult right now. I just can’t function without him and I know it sounds pathetic and tbh I probably won’t take any advice given to me because I can’t let myself walk away. It’s all just so hard to explain. I just need to offload but I need help, but I don’t want help. Does any of this make sense?

Nobody is going to support you staying with this druggie. I don’t like to criticise people’s parenting but it’s hard not to knowing what world you are subjecting your kids to. You’re better off without him.

You have posted about this loser many times already, and you are always told the same exact thing. He's not worthy of you, he's not coming back, and you shouldn't allow him to even if he tried. He's a drug user and a twat.

I'm sorry op, but the fairy tale you think your life was never existed. Pull yourself together, stop wasting tears on a man who doesn't give a fuck, and get on with your life.

A similar thing has happened with me this last week, apart from the bereavement. My husband decided to go stay at his mum's as he's 'not sure if he can do this anymore, he's weak, struggling mentally, not sure he can be what I need' etc etc. Honestly the first few days I did everything I could to try to persuade him that we should stick together and work through it together, honour our marriage vows. Said we could have a break and see how things go. He pushed for it to be over. I gave him space for a few days, all the while putting a brave face on for the kids. Then sobbing on the bathroom floor while they were asleep/at school. Couldn't eat or sleep. It's been hell on earth.
On Sunday I couldn't take it anymore and told him to pick up his stuff and said he wanted it to be over so it's over. It's been the worst few days of my life but ultimately he's made his choice, there's nothing I can do. Same for you love. If he meant what he said about loving you then he wouldn't do this to you. If he wants to end the relationship there's a way to do it whilst respecting others involved. You don't need to rule anything out for the future but right now you need to protect your own heart. Cry and let your emotions out, be honest with the people in your life. I didn't want to tell anyone in case he came back and everything was normal but it killed me inside. My family and friends have rallied round and it's dragged me through the worst of it. Once I stopped fussing over him he was the one texting instead of me, but I'm not letting him slip back in after the hurt he's caused. If it's real and meant to be it will take time to rebuild trust and security. If you let him crawl straight back he will do it again and again.
The first few nights I cried for him. The next few nights I cried for me - how dare these men shit all over us like this.
You don't abandon your family when you're struggling, it's cowardly. Ask yourself, would you do it? Run away from your home, kids, life to indulge in your own problems? He gets to fuck off while you have to carry on living the life you built together. Going to sleep alone in the bed you shared. I know exactly how it feels and it's absolute torture. At the minute he has all the control, he knows you want him back even though he's said he doesn't want that. I know you're desperate to sort it, but you can't. You have to believe what he says - he wants to be on his own. Let him. Let him see what it's like not to have a lovely partner to support him and look after him. Pour all that love into yourself instead of him. He doesn't want it or deserve it right now. I'm sorry if this sounds harsh but it's more torturous to keep going over it in your mind, blaming yourself or thinking how can I fix it. You can't.
I have no doubt he will try to come back at some point, probably when he thinks you're starting to get over it. Be prepared for that - this man will do it again for sure. Once you've gone through the heartbreak you might not want to go through it all again. That's how I feel right now.

Be strong

What world I’m subjecting my kids to? Seriously? Granted I’m not being treated right but believe it or not, not all drug users r down and outs. Taking drugs doesn’t necessarily make u a bad person. Hes a hard working man and earns bloody good money, the kids have never gone without and he’s never done it around the kids or in the house when they’ve been here, and tbh regardless of my situation with him, him sniffing a few lines of coke does not make him a bad father!! I guess someone who drinks a bottle of wine every night with dinner is fine? I know it’s not exactly in the same calibre but still the same principle in my eyes.
Granted he’s being a total fucking test and treating me like complete shit atm but pls don’t sit there behind ur screen and slag him off insinuating that he’s no good for our kids based on what he does when he’s not with us!
Believe me I know a bad dad when I see one and that’s one thing he definitely isn’t!

And I respect what everyone is saying about cutting my loses as to speak. And in time maybe I will. But right now it’s difficult. I love him and that’s that. I’m struggling, massively. But my kids r fine, I’m still able to put on a brave face when needed and apart from the fact that their dad isn’t living at home atm everything else is as normal for them. I posted on here cos I needed to vent, I needed to let out what I’m feeling because it’s bottled up inside of me

It's so hard op.. similar situation but no kids or losses. My dp says he doesnt know what he wants and to wait till after lockdown.. hes cold distant on bloody WhatsApp all the time.. I've cried and cried posted..had different opinion.. he throws me a few crumbs of hope now and again.. but all I've wanted is for him to say he loves me and itll be ok.. of course he hasnt hes to selfish, self absorbed with whoever or whatever is turning his head.. I'm slowly getting getting stronger and doing things for me, getting fit, applying for new jobs, dont let him take all the control. X

Sorry, OP, I know you're hurting as this is the fourth thread you've posted about it, but you really do need to consider a previous statement you made without rose coloured glasses: "I’m 100% supportive of anything and everything he does even when he’s drinking and sniffing coke and ignoring me and the kids most days".

That's not great, is it? Nor is it great that you also said he has a destructive nature when it comes to drink and drugs.

How would you feel if someone else was posting that about their partner and father of their children?

I'm sorry but you're deluded. A good father doesn't walk out on his kids for months and take drugs. They just don't. You need a reality check, you'd be so much better off without this loser.

He doesn’t want to be with you anymore. However much you beg and plead you are being manipulated. As others have said you need to take control otherwise this man will leaVe you dangling for years. As well as his grief are you sure there is not somebody else waiting in the wings...??? Think of your kids

And yes he has a drink and coke problem...The only way the kids r affected by his bad drink and coke habit is him not being around when he’s doing it. Because they always have me here to do whatever needs to be done. Your recent words.

He is an alcoholic and drug addict, and this harms and diminishes all of you. He prioritizes his substances. This is abuse and neglect.

His father’s death did not give him license to treat you with contempt. In early February you wrote that he had basically abandoned you and the children. He rarely wanted to speak to or see you, and if he did, he wouldn’t make eye contact, kiss you or say he loved you. Yet he’s been treating his mum and friends well, and has made time to go out drinking/drugging/dining. He’s been treating you and the children like dirt while you’ve handled him with kid gloves and blamed his grief.

Now he has officially walked away. In your shoes, I wouldn’t cling or do the pick me dance. I would find my anger and grey rock him. His primary relationship is with drugs and alcohol, and that makes him a toxic partner and father who will always destabilize the family.

Can you access counseling to help you move through the grieving process and make decisions?

Sorry but where is your self respect OP? I mean really what are you doing here. This bloke is a drink and drug addict- yes doing a 'few lines of coke' does make you a bad dad! Abandoning your children to go and play I'm a little boy again at mummy's house also makes him a bad dad yet continue to not hear a bad word said against him. Where are your standards for you and your children? Call it off and break up officially, start CMS and child contact arrangements and get your head out of the sand. Saying you physically can't is a cop out. You've been raising your children alone so you are stronger than you think you are

I think it is time his mum spoke to him and told him to go home to you and the children. In her position, I would, because, nice as it is to care for mother and natural to grieve for dad, his first responsibility is to you.

You can't wait forever though.

All the very best. [flowers[

Your children are not stupid and they will pick up on all the unspoken vibes. They will sense your overwhelming preoccupation and sadness and perhaps even blame their own selves for their dad leaving them.

His needs though are not more important than any of yours. What happened to you when you were growing up? What sort of father figure did you yourself have; from the little you have written a very poor one as well. That's what you learnt about relationships when you were growing up with that busted blueprint. Those lessons have been carried forward into your relationship now with this man.

His primary relationship has never been with with you but drink and drugs. And now he's run back to his mother's and in doing so treating you yet again with further contempt. He can hold down a job and function to an extent but then so do many people in the grip of addiction. It does not make him a better man.

The only good thing to have come out of all this at all are your children. You have a choice re this man and they do not. Its down to you to show them better relationship lessons on relationships than the ones they have seen to date. He is not responsible or reliable enough to do that.

Do you love him or have you really confused that with codependency?.

Are you actually comparing wine to cocaine??!!!!?????!? Maybe the difference is that one is an ILLEGAL class A drug? Maybe because if he was caught in possession with it then he could be arrested and your children could be left fatherless. Maybe because if he got a bad strain of it he could OD and die. Maybe because it’s a very dangerous enterprise that ruins millions of lives. Need I go on?

You have been utterly brainwashed OP if you are defending a dad with a drug habit. Especially if that dad doesn’t even care to leave you high and dry.

@Silvercarpet

What world I’m subjecting my kids to? Seriously? Granted I’m not being treated right but believe it or not, not all drug users r down and outs. Taking drugs doesn’t necessarily make u a bad person. Hes a hard working man and earns bloody good money, the kids have never gone without and he’s never done it around the kids or in the house when they’ve been here, and tbh regardless of my situation with him, him sniffing a few lines of coke does not make him a bad father!! I guess someone who drinks a bottle of wine every night with dinner is fine? I know it’s not exactly in the same calibre but still the same principle in my eyes. Granted he’s being a total fucking test and treating me like complete shit atm but pls don’t sit there behind ur screen and slag him off insinuating that he’s no good for our kids based on what he does when he’s not with us! Believe me I know a bad dad when I see one and that’s one thing he definitely isn’t!

How is he a good dad when he is leaving you to care for his children 24/7.

That's not being a good dad.

“There’s just no me without him!”

That’s pretty pathetic. This is your problem, work on your identity & self esteem.

There is a you without him.

Take back some control and start putting your and children's needs first.
He's walking all over you.

I agree with what everyone else is saying op, you need to let him go and start to concentrate on you and the dc. Take back control

@Silvercarpet

What world I’m subjecting my kids to? Seriously? Granted I’m not being treated right but believe it or not, not all drug users r down and outs. Taking drugs doesn’t necessarily make u a bad person. Hes a hard working man and earns bloody good money, the kids have never gone without and he’s never done it around the kids or in the house when they’ve been here, and tbh regardless of my situation with him, him sniffing a few lines of coke does not make him a bad father!! I guess someone who drinks a bottle of wine every night with dinner is fine? I know it’s not exactly in the same calibre but still the same principle in my eyes. Granted he’s being a total fucking test and treating me like complete shit atm but pls don’t sit there behind ur screen and slag him off insinuating that he’s no good for our kids based on what he does when he’s not with us! Believe me I know a bad dad when I see one and that’s one thing he definitely isn’t!

How is he a good dad when he isn't present and treats the mother of his children so poorly? He chooses drugs over time with his kids. You said yourself he is ignoring them and you and instead taking drugs and being alone. We can only go on what you say and based on that, he isn't a good dad.

Please read back your other threads and accept that he is not a good father and you need to be the one to end the relationship for the sake of you and your children. This limbo is unfair on you and them. You've said the following - he is not a good dad if these are the case.

I’m having to keep everything together for the kids but it’s getting to the point where I’m really struggling on my own without him here. We’ve suffered so much loss and it’s been out of our hands but there is a choice with what’s happening now and me and the kids r in more pain than we need to b.

He isn’t the best at dealing with problems and always runs away and drinks. When he does this he ignores me, whenever he’s with friends Me and the kids r nothing. Same applies now.

I’m 100% supportive of anything and everything he does even when he’s drinking and sniffing coke and ignoring me and the kids most days

And I agree with u all that this isn’t good for the kids.

You seem to think people are criticising you when they say this situation is harmful for the kids. They aren't saying you are actively harming your kids, they're saying you need to take control of the situation by owning the bits you can control - ending the relationship to focus on parenting without this constant limbo taking up your headspace, energy and happiness.

He doesn't want to prioritise you or the children, at all. So you have to, fully.

Let him get on with this self destruction and hope he will reach rock bottom and seek help / make improvements. You can't want him to change enough to make him want to do so if he doesn't.

If you pulling back from him and ending things makes him stop making an effort to see the kids then that's on him, not you. He's barely making an effort as it is and that's with you having to almost beg him to come and have dinner with you and them (even then he let you down and said 'I'm out now' the next day).

If him being a father relies on you having to persuade him to make a semblance of effort, he is not a good father. Until you see that reality and end the relationship, you can't move on and be a healthy happy parent to the kids. You and them all deserve that.

Why are you 100% supportive of everything he does if it's harming you?

OP He does not have a relationship with you. He has a relationship with Coke.
Coke has filled your shoes.

I would walk away now while he is not living at yours. I would not have him back. There will come a point when his mother does not want him at hers any more and he will want to come back as there is nowhere else to go.
Do you really want him back on those terms ?
Do you value him, above your children ?
It seems like it to me