Help me stay focused on LTB!

[IdrisElbasNextWife]

It’s been a long time coming. DH is emotionally abusive and controlling. I have spent the past 2 nights in my sons room hoping he will take the hint as if I outright tell him I want a divorce he will kick off and make things so difficult for me. I’m applying for a new job tomorrow which is more money to help me with affordability for my own mortgage once we sell the house.
DH doesn’t know any of this yet. Every time I start to waiver I think about my DC, he also keeps on giving me little reminders of why I’m doing this.

If anyone out there has some spare time to post I would really appreciate the encouragement and reassurance. I KNOW I’m doing the right thing but for some crazy reason it is still scary

Have you made any secret lists yet?
How your house is going to be, changes you're going to make, things you want to do?

That’s a lovely idea @something2say, I haven’t yet but I really want to now, thank you

I waited far too long to leave, but I finally did it. I promise you that the sense of freedom that is waiting for you is amazing.

No one to shout at you; choosing what and when to eat, what to watch on TV, how your rooms will be decorated, where you will go on holiday; seeing friends and family without being moaned at; not treading on eggshells...

It's all just around the corner. And yes, make secret lists, look at design ideas, think about how you want your life to look. Good luck!

Abuse is about power and control. He's not going to be the one to surrender control of you by ending the relationship.

Leaving abuse is always scary. Waiting for it to not feel scary means never leaving. Fear in the face of change and uncertainty is normal and survivable.

Keep focused on the life you will build afterwards.

How far progressed are your plans?

You have got to get over the hump of telling him first tho. You say he could take the hint, does it have to be like that? Can you not tell him?

I was a DV advisor for years. Telling and leaving are flashpoints... getting a job is great. So is getting hold of copies of documents and taking, then following legal advice. When you tell him, dont ask his permission. Use the broken record technique and repeat it simply, give him an hour, then get out. Have everything important safe and off premises first if needs be. If you're scared at any point, ring 999. If you have to, move to a different room. And remember that you dont need and will not get his consent to do this. Treat whatever he says as water off a ducks back. And remember that if it goes pete tong, your texts to him could one day be read out in court so be careful. Earn your own money and learn on your friends. One day this will be behind you and you'll have your new life. X

I already have a job but was looking at applying for a different one which has more prospects for the future.
If I tell him he will be impossible to live with, he brings the kids into arguments sometimes. It’s usually. More subtle though, like last night, DS 2 was shouting at me and throwing things at me as he didn’t want to go to bed, DH just ignored it so DS stepped it up a gear to try to get a reaction out of DH, he didn’t get one. At dinner last night DS asked if he had eaten enough for pudding, DH usually says they have to eat it all but to spite me (as I had cooked it like I always do) he said DS could leave the rest as it was too rich! This probably sounds like nothing and I’m overreacting but it’s all these little things he is doing and saying, it feels like he is trying to make things difficult for me as a punishment for taking a stand and sleeping in another room.

My plans are not far progressed, I need to tell him I’m done to move forward with them, we need to sell the house which will not be easy as we bought a project and have only done a few rooms. It all feels like it’s too much and it’s unachievable, it would be easier to just go home and apologise and plod along for a few more months.