Wondering about the 'friends' and family of a covert narc

[CaesarsDream]

Long one, sorry.

After unfortunately having the life changing experience of 'associating' with a covert narcissist for several months and now going full NC, it's left me wondering whether or not their friends and family are aware/have an inkling what a nasty piece of work this person really is.

The narc has admitted to having MH problems, also indicating that they have a sinister approach to life. They have DC with their ex. They have indirectly implied that they had a toxic relationship with ex. They blame their DP for everything that's gone wrong in their life. They appear lazy, unmotivated to improve their circumstances and disinterested in the realities and goodness in life. They are underhanded and wicked with their 'deeds'.

Would just like to know, do you think others in close/fairly close contact might also pick up on this? Or is this just my perspective/they've just taken it out on me because I've stirred their demons?

Glad to say the NC is working and I'm realising with each day that goes by that I'm well shot of this person. The only reason why I'm asking this is so I can get a greater understanding of what to avoid in future.

Thanks

Please excuse typos.

People who are around this person longterm will be in a state of denial. His family plans long term friends are enablers and subconsciously they probably think 'better the right hand of the devel than in his path'.

The ex will have seen the full extent of his dark personality though. They tend to abuse those closest to them. Not that they cant abuse friends too...because they definately do. But I find often a narcissists long term friends are cut from the same block as them.

From my own exp he had 4 long term friends that were variants on the same kind of monster as him. And one really nice pal who was completely under his thrall. It's sad that some ppl actually think because he is their friend, he would never hurt them. Thats why I always avoid ppl who talk about having a dickhead friend who is 'a jerk, but OUR' jerk'. Nope dude, he's a jerk and you're an enabler!

Anyway, basically they reserve their dark side for those closest to them. When single, their enabler friend or a close relative will see the worst of them. And when in a relationship it tends to e the partner.

*family and long term friends

• devil

Interesting perspective @Wanderlusto. On the face on it, the people in contact with this person seem decent, although I'm starting to wonder about their characters/integrity.

On closer examination, I notice how much of 'shape-shift' they've had on their ex, who seems more than decent. They have to still/still do associate with them because of their DC. I also worry, not that it's really my business, about how this person is damaging their DC.

Am worried too as to what extent they will go to damage people in their apparent path of destruction. They know they are hurting others.

This person, although I am full NC with them, for various reasons they are still indirectly associated with me.

Mistakenly I gave them far too many chances and am now left kicking myself for doing so.

Such a sickening feeling.

Having experience of this I don't think you can really know or understand their interactions with others. The older I get the more complex I think human interactions are. I put up with my ex for a long time making myself believe he was lovely, and suppressing my doubts, partly because he pushed so hard to spin that narrative, and partly because I came from an abusive background where I had learned to doubt myself and put my own feelings last. It took me 20 years to work out how like my mum my ex was. You'd think I'd have noticed sooner, but the mind does funny things, and my ex was highly skilled at coming across as Mr Wonderful.

For this reason, he has loads of friends (as does my mum) who think he's great. I wonder why they don't see what he's like, but then I didn't!

I would say I've changed a lot now, and I have a much keener sense of what to avoid. People (especially men) who announce themselves as nice, easy-going, or normal. Selfishness and lack of empathy, followed by OTT apology. People who are too full-on too soon.

But focus forward and not back at this person, if you can.

I was with my abusive narc ex for 12 years and observed his behaviour becoming more extreme the older we got..

He had 2 very old close friends, but eventually fell out with both, with one calling him 'unhinged',and i found his other relationships were all at arms length, with him showing only one side of himself...all relationships that he maintained were based on what he could get from that person, being work, getting his car fixed on the cheap etc..

He used to look forward to when siblings came to stay with him, purely because of what they would bring for him and do for him (he is the only sibling with no contact with his father by choice) and used to brag that his mother told him he was 'her favourite child'.

His 2 older children are his 'mini me's', there were many abusive circumstances and dramas aimed at me that i came to realize he quietly created and sneakily fuelled, and they bully the youngest child and his partner terribly (the youngest is a sweetheart). Indeed when the youngest recently had an operation he reached out to me for help, and didn't tell his brother sister or father as he said was no point. The youngest has real anger below the surface towards his dad and older siblings, because he was so close to their mum who was a lovely lady that had a good strong influence on him before she sadly died..

Basically none of my exs relationships are healthy although they may appear so to outsiders. He uses people and puts down anyone he cant influence..
I wont know whether his influence will stretch through the generations to grandchildren as they were babies by the time i managed to leave, but it wouldn't surprise me in the least!

Of it’s some you dated you did well to realise quickly me if it was a friend likewise. It took me about 2 years and even then not really as kept making excuses as they charm is amazing as well. but after 4 j realised it was a very insidious type of abuse that escalated to almost physical and definitely threats. It chips away you, drip drip, you dont even know who you are and yes it’s those closest to them that really get it. My ex would help next door neighbour like an angel and a devil to me at times. Absolutely horrible people that fool so many for a long time because they are master manipulators and extremely underhanded. However if you look deeply you can see the trail of destruction behind them but it’s almost always too late 🥺

@Anon2323 I'm so sorry you went through this. I can sense from the tone how traumatic it was/is for you to have experienced this.

I completely relate to it being insidious. It was nearly a year for me. They're a psychopath.

@WindyPudding Agree re complex relationships and only showing your good side, even to 'close' friends.

@CaesarsDream

I think they only present their friendly and respectable side to others rather than their target. They are usually popular and thought well of.

The one in my case was friendly around others but when I was alone with him, I don't think he would have dared speak to others the way he spoke to me.

Sometimes he was friendly and caring towards me but if I withdrew or said no to anything, he would seem like a completely different person. Altering his tone of voice to low and menacing, belittling me, using completely different language, guilt tripping and fear inducing. Sometimes they played the victim if I called them out on their horrible behaviour or accused me of ever calling their integrity in question.

Yes, I also had the ex was terrible, was after their money and cheated on them. Other exes were hot and cold and when I tried to end things, he sighed "the story of my life".

Having reflected on the toxic association, I noticed that they were very disparaging about his female line managers. One of them, who was a lesbian, he accused of hating him because she was jealous of his success with women. He also spoke badly of others as a way of isolating me from them, but also probably because they knew he was a wrong un.

I think some people have an inkling about them so they tend to keep them at arms length.Friends do not seem to last very long anyway and as for family, the one in my case lived with his parents, he was an only child. He made himself scarce when a relative came to visit, so I do think some people know.

They can be very charismatic, charming and manipulative, but there will be people who know.

One or other of your ex's parents will know - possibly both.

People who are friends with narcs are usually either bullies or narcs themselves, so the behaviour will be normal to them. And if they aren't like that, they will suspect the truth but will probably ingratiate themselves with the narc, so they don't suffer the same fate as others. Which is relatively easy to do if you are only an acquaintance.

Hey, what happened with this person exactly? X

I think it varies. When I think about the friends my narc ex has, the vast majority of them are short term. There's a pattern of picking one or two to be really close with then switching to others. I suspect with all of them that they pick up on small things that don't make sense but generally dismiss it. He's very good at playing the victim but I have noticed that if I pay careful attention he contradicts himself and changes his story with different people. I think most people just aren't invested enough in him to notice/care. For example, as a partner I'd be upset about being lied to about his whereabouts if he cancelled plans but as a friend I wouldn't be as bothered about plans changing and/or wouldn't notice it was a lie.

@PositiveLife

I think it varies. When I think about the friends my narc ex has, the vast majority of them are short term. There's a pattern of picking one or two to be really close with then switching to others. I suspect with all of them that they pick up on small things that don't make sense but generally dismiss it. He's very good at playing the victim but I have noticed that if I pay careful attention he contradicts himself and changes his story with different people. I think most people just aren't invested enough in him to notice/care. For example, as a partner I'd be upset about being lied to about his whereabouts if he cancelled plans but as a friend I wouldn't be as bothered about plans changing and/or wouldn't notice it was a lie.

@PositiveLife So much of your post resonates. I also think, as PP upthread, that they have only a few 'close' and or more casual long term friends, who I can only presume are either

A. Narcs/enablers
B. Have an inkling but not close enough to really care or be affected
C. No idea/have only seen one side of their character