Partner and I want different things

[Peppa2]

We've been together a few years. We rent a house, I would like to buy, it makes more sense, it would be our own, then something to give to our DC when we're not here. He told me he would save but hasn't saved a penny, I know it's hard but why not try, I have been.

He works fulltime plus extra, I am part time and can manage to live off my paycheck and save. Also I should note he doesn't pay anything more into the house than I do.

What’s he spending the money on? Have you looked at a budget with him?

I'm not sure where his money goes I never see his account or how much he earns. We haven't looked at prices as he doesn't seem to want to consider buying.

If there's no financial transparency you shouldn't be considering buying with him anyway. He's either spending that spare money on crap (since it's not on anything you can see) or he's saving it and not telling you. You are working part time and taking on the childcare (whilst damaging your own career prospects) so that he can save or spend all that money. This is the problem when you're not married, OP.

If he doesn’t want to buy then you’re not on the same page anyway

Don't buy with him! You'll end up paying for it by yourself!

Doesn’t sound like a partnership at all.
He’s probably not interested in settling down with you.

You’re not on the same page. How old are you?

We are both in our thirties

I know it's hard but why not try, I have been

He's not you. He doesn't have the same priorities as you. If he did, he wouldn't make the same decisions as you.

Why are you expecting him to do the same thing as you?

Have you asked him 'Why haven't you been saving towards our house'?

@Eckhart I dont expect him to do the same as me, I expect him to be honest with me. If he wanted to buy tell me, if he doesn't want to just be honest and tell me so I know if I'm in on my own.

I have asked him he tells me he has no money.

I'd be really pissed off about this for several reasons.

1. As you're working part time, and therefore presumably reducing the childcare bill, but he pays the same towards bills as you do. So it sounds like you're suffering more financially from having a child than he is, which isn't right. Children should be a joint expense.

1. He's got an attitude towards saving / spending which doesn't match yours. It's OK to want to 'live in the moment' rather than save as long as you both agree to that.

1. He hasn't been honest with you. He told you he would save and then didn't live up to his word.

I have asked him he tells me he has no money

So why are you saving towards buying a house with him? He clearly prioritises other things above buying a house with you.

You did say 'I would like to buy', rather than 'we', so he's quite feasibly just not that into the idea. And you say it makes more sense, but it's not even a bit sensible to buy a house with somebody who has different financial priorities that you, and isn't transparent.

Do you actually have your DCs yet, or are they planned?

Nowhere do you actually talk about the relationship & how you feel about each other.

Doesn’t sound like much of a life partner

Sounds like you’re settling because you want a house & babies.

If you feel you want different things out of life, Would you be happier if you both parted ways?

Don’t be with someone because you want to buy a house - you could end up feeling financially & emotionally trapped by it.

He needs to show and explain to you why he has no money.
Only when you follow the money will you see where his priorities lie.
Should he be willing: check his paystub vs bank deposit to see if it’s split to various accounts at the source. Check pension savings. Check auto withdraws and follow all debts.
Financial honesty is important (well it is to me).

He needs to show and explain to you why he has no money

No he doesn't. It's entirely his prerogative to do or not do that. If he wants to be saving but can't, he'd be doing these things for himself. If he hasn't then he's actively choosing not to prioritise buying the house. It doesn't actually matter what he spends his money on.

If I were you, I’d consider myself a free agent and look at buying my own property, without him. You’re then free to carry on the relationship, if that’s what you want - and he can either lodge with you, with a clear legal agreement that he isn’t entitled to a share of your asset; or you can live separately and see each other when it suits you both. The latter is obviously somewhat problematic if you’ve already gone and had babies with somebody who was never committed to you in the first place.

Do you have enough in common to continue the relationship? Do you get out of it, what you want and need?

If you're not married, then buy a house yourself

Do you have dc together? I think the advice would be completely different depending on whether you are working part time to facilitate childcare or not.

@Eckhart, your right but I’d end a relationship over financial infidelity/dishonesty.

[quote fallfallfall]@Eckhart, your right but I’d end a relationship over financial infidelity/dishonesty.[/quote]
Yes, me too, absolutely. The PP made it sound like this was OP's issue because she hadn't checked his bank statements.

We have a dd together.

I have already made clear to him that I will buy myself if he doesn't want to but in no way would he be in the house. Majority of my money goes into the bills/food etc in this house.

I work part time to reduce childcare costs.

You have a dd together, you work part time he works full time, and you pay the same amount into the house? Do you earn significantly more than him? I would want to know why he has 'no money'

You have a dd together, you work part time he works full time, and you pay the same amount into the house?

This.

And you don't know how much he earns.

And he has made it clear he doesn't want to prioritise saving.

And he has made it clear he's willing to allow you to spend the majority of your money on bills and food leaving you with less than him, which you then try to save.

Why. Are. You. Planning. A. Future. With. This. Man.

This sounds harsh but you have been sleepwalking into this relationship. He's made no attempt to save, plan ahead or act as an actual team to create a future together.

This is on you too in that respect, as he's done nothing to show you he sees you two as an equally valued team so you need to make a decision now about whether enough is enough and make the break, otherwise you're going to give up your chance of a happy and healthy relationship for as long as you're with him.

Why are you subsidising him by paying proportionally more than him, whilst taking the career hit?

You took him at his word and have since discovered that his words meant shit. If I was you I would limit your contributions to a proportion of your earnings. He doesn’t contribute to childcare costs because you are doing it for free! You are not on the same page and probably never were, despite what he said.

You need to start investing in a future that may not include him.

Tell him you're now working towards your house, by going full time. So he'll need to do his share of child care and split any increased childcare costs - that should be step 1. Dobt let him put you off buying