Dealing with ‘charming’abusive narc ex?

[Anon2323]

I left more than 2 years ago and the whole system let me down from even down to being told that at least he didn’t batter you even though mentally he came close to destroying me and said he would, menacing looks and threatening violence. He even done something to me that any mother should be scared of and got let off with a warning. He has used the kids against me, he has been described as conniving by a couple of professionals but sadly no proof and extremely threatening but he is clever and to the outside world he would be charming and so nice, he might even do your garden with a smile on his face and speak so so gently you would be charmed.

I’ve got anxiety as I can see early signs of parental alienation with new girlfriend but can’t do anything and she will have no idea as it happens subtle. I know I’m not the first as he has destroyed exes before me but they got away with no ties.

I don’t know how to move on. He is fine at times with communications but the gaslights and turns it around on me, can’t say too much but then he does something Like making a threat that only you would know it is by knowing him and how he works in such a way, it scares me but no proof.

He has a good job. Home and everything. He has not much family or friends left though because of his behaviour. Once you are close it’s like you have a Bond with him but then he destroys you mentally that you remember life before meeting and trusted people much more, I know some have to cut contact with him but I can’t because of kids. He is a Disney dad too, out does me materially in every way.

Do anxiety tablets help ? I get anxiety whenever I see him or have to deal with him?

He has said he will never stop trying to destroy me and will have no mercy doing so. I always tried to please him, never hurt him, wasn’t unfaithful. I just spoke out one day and that was it. The threats against me to never see children as much more. I can’t find support anywhere because I think I’ve never got over the abuse as it was shuttle until it really wasn’t if that makes sense. And the nice side always got me.

Horrible. I also felt in thrall to my (much less abusive but controlling and nasty) ex when I left. It was hard to take the advice I was offered by my wise friends but I will tell you what I wish I'd done sooner:

• reduce all contact with him down to the minimum. Don't respond unless its factually necessary (arrangements for kids etc).
• practice some phrases to trot out in response to some of his ridiculousness (practice the tone as well as the phrase - my ex threatened telling my family/the police/our friends etc how wicked I was, I responded with a very disinterested "really? well I'll leave you to get on now" - initially he just upped the frequency/threats but when it didnt get the response he wanted it reduced then stopped)
• keep a diary/record of all conversations and interactions with him. Useful evidence if he switches to being Mr Charming to reel you in, or if things get nastier, but also valuable in spotting the patterns and reminding you you are doing exactly the right thing by escaping.

it is crap, it's hard to extract, and you do have my sympathy. Have you tried Relate or Women's Aid for counselling?