Is this the end?

[careermindedwoman]

Hi all, hoping for some advice here from you wise ladies.
My husband and I have been together 21 years and married for 13 this year. We have no children together but have both been in previous relationships with children from them.
My husband is nearly 9 years older than me.
For the last 2 months he has been sleeping in the spare room, with no explanation as to why. Every time I broach the subject he says he'll talk about it 'tomorrow'. He never does.
I asked him again on Sunday and his response was that I shrugged him off me and that he was not going to beg for sex. I can't remember doing this, in fact, he's a v early riser so is never in bed when I wake up and only ever comes back to bed for sex anyway. He's still sleeping in the spare room.
Other than this we get along ok, talk when we have to mainly, but I think that our marriage is stale now. I don't know what to do.
We have no children at home, they have all flown the nest.

Hi OP. The way he is treating you doesn't sound healthy at all - punishing you for something you likely didn't do and refusing to talk about it? And even if you had not been in the mood and didn't want to be intimate with him, why does he think that isn't valid and that he gets to punish you for that? Sounds controlling to me, is there anything else going on here?

Seems like he's punishing you because he doesn't get enough sex.

@lifehack

Seems like he's punishing you because he doesn't get enough sex.

I would rephrase this as 'because he feels like whether you want to or not doesn't matter'. He feels entitled to it, which is a dangerous mindset to have.

I'm not saying it's right just as his mindset

This is awful behaviour on your dh's part. The fact that he only returns to the bedroom for sex is concerning. He should have had a discussion with you regarding his plans and explaining why.

Also, once people get to the stage of asking "is this over/the end?" they usually already know the answer. I have been there and knew once I began to question separating and seeing a future without my dh, that it was over in my mind and heart. Making the move after this point is difficult.

We can lie to others but rarely to ourselves.

I would stop talking about this specifically, and stop 'having a conversation'. Start telling him, in no uncertain terms, that you cannot have a relationship in which your distress is dealt with in this way. Tell him what your boundaries are. Tell him what the consequences will be.

Saying 'can we talk' will forever result in a yes-sounding version of 'no', because he doesn't want to. You can't make him. You can only tell him what you will do if he doesn't.

Thank you all for your replies. He has always been the type to give me the silent treatment if he doesn't get his own way, He will go for weeks not talking to me. I seem to have got used to that over the years.
I have now got to the point where I am thinking where do I go from here? Carry on as we are and waste my life, because he isn't going to change. I'm still a young 50s (he's early 60s).
I've got some decision making to do.

Your marriage is shit and your husband is abusive. Set yourself free and actually enjoy the rest of your life. Luckily, you have no young children or shared children to worry about.

Going for weeks without talking to you settings horrible OP. Also we "talk when we have to". DH and I have been together for a similar time, and we have a real laugh together still. Do you think the marriage is worth saving? It doesn't sound like you're getting much out of it.

*sounds not settings!

Sorry to hear you think the marriage is stale, I wonder if you have already decided how you feel about staying or going? Living with someone who gives you the silent treatment and goes weeks not talking to you must be taking a massive toll on you emotionally. As you say, you get used to it over the years, but this doesn't make it OK and nobody deserves to be treated like that. Wishing you all the best with your decision

@careermindedwoman

It sounds like the biggest decision is already made, really. You know what you have to do.

@careermindedwoman I'm sorry to hear that OP, it sounds like you have been dealing with a lot for a lot of years. You may consider calling Women'sAid, they can talk your situation through with you and lend a friendly ear while also giving great practical advice.

I hope you find a way to reclaim happiness

You've all confirmed what I was thinking and I'm thankful for that because I did start to believe that it was normal behaviour and that I must be the one causing it.
I just needed some outside advice.
I've started looking for alternative accommodation and will hopefully be out of it soon. I know it's going to be hard, but at least I have the rest of my life to heal and I am actually starting to look forward to not having to walk on eggshells x

It's so much easier to be in a quiet room by yourself than it is to be in a quiet room with somebody who refuses to speak to you.

It's good to hear you're getting yourself out; you will be happier.

Glad to hear you will be leaving x

My ex was like this- constantly sulking at perceived ills. I found it tiresome and immature despite he is actually older than me. He’s gone now and I’m happier than I’ve been in decades. I don’t miss the control and tedious punishments. Good luck OP.

Let him sulk in the spare room forever until he decides to talk to you like an adult.
I have no time for that kind of crap.

To not talk about it when you’ve asked is pretty tiresome.

So is sulking to get his own way. Bellend.

Given that you aren’t going to play this time - and big congrats for that - he will soon be a lonely bellend.

I often think that prolonged periods of sulking are to force the other partner to leave/start separation proceedings because they are too bloody cowardly to do it themselves.

You are well shot.

You are the same age group as me and I hope to have a lot of happiness to look forward to.

So should you. . And it starts with getting rid of the miserable rucksack on your back

So sorry OP - the silent treatment for weeks is unimaginable! You deserve much better & once you leave, I really hope you find it. No more walking on eggshells 💐💐

So you have been punished in your dead marriage for years.

Early 50's and years ahead of you to make a happy life for yourself.

No responsibilities either with will make finding a lovely little cosy home of your own easier.

So glad that you are going to do this.

Remember to get your copies of financials asap and get as organised as you can before you drop your bombshell.

Preferably having your home and keys ready to go to.

Start moving bits from the house to a friends home if you can.

Keep posting.

Thank you for your post Billy1966. Thing is, I have no friends, I've lost them over the years because he didn't like me seeing/going out with them. I will have to be discreet when I make my move.

I'm glad you've made your mind up to leave. You really shouldn't have to put up with that kind of abusive behaviour. Prepare thoroughly before you go, get copies of all documents you could possibly need or remove the originals to a safe place - with family, a trusted work colleague, a safe place at work, even hidden in the car.

Start to collect up anything you want to keep, so it's easy to take out when you go and you don't have to go hunting for things.

Your new, happy life is just around the corner.

Could you reach out to old friends and explain?

You would not be the first woman to do this.

Abusers focus on separating their victims from family and friends.

Have a think.

If I lost touch with someone who then contacted me that they were leaving an awful husband, I would want to reconnect and support.

Have a tjink is there anyone who might support you.

I think you should contact Women's Aid too.
They seem to be so kind and supportive, a listening ear.

Give them a ring.