Realising ex is still controlling me..

[Givemeabreak88]

Has anyone else realised that after breaking up with their ex he was still abusing or controlling them?? I’ve just come to this realisation really after posting online as I never saw his behaviour as abuse or control until people pointed it out so it’s hit me
Like a ton of bricks and I’m feeling really weird about it, he still uses our kids to control me. I feel like I will never be out of this control. Has anyone managed to over come it?

Yes but in a financial way, he would pay my maintenance into a joint account, one that I had never used before and he refused for two years to pay into my own account, really strange I think he liked to have that control over me, so he could check what I was spending it on. I said to him finally, I'm never going to use the joint account card (I always transferred) I was quite direct in saying I wanted it in my own account which he finally done.

Tell him you have to come to an agreement with the kids and stick to a routine, in what way is he using them to control you?

Grey rock and firm boundaries. My son got an EHCP. I haven't told him yet and when I do it will be simple and less information is more as we can't co-parents and if he does know he will be texting / emailing all hours of the day.

I’ve heard about grey rock so I will have to look into it as I don’t really know what it involves.

He will only see the children if it means he can come to my house to see them. He never takes them to his (they haven’t been to his house since we split so never had an over night never taken them to school) will only come to my house to see them if I’m “nice to him” if I stay out of the way or stay in a different room he won’t see them because I’m “acting funny” won’t take them because he doesn’t like me having a life or having any time to myself. He basically won’t have them to “punish” me. If I refuse to allow him to see them in my home he says that I’m stopping him from seeing them and tries to guilt trip me, it’s like I’m not allowed to have boundaries

God just tell him he's not welcome in your home. He can collect at x time and return at y time (whatever is convenient for you) or he can do without. If he doesn't turn up at x, just go out and get on with your day with the kids.

Well that, for once, sounds like a simple one. He can see the children in his own space and own time. You do not facilitate it in your space. That's bad enough for you even if your partner were reasonable but with an abusive wanker it should have been out from the start. Stand up to him, he's a bully. Presumably you want to formalise the contact in mediation, make bloody sure it's fair and in his space.

He just won’t see them if I don’t allow it, I guess he’s been having that against me because he says it’s then my fault that he isn’t seeing them. He wouldn’t go to court of anything like that. It came to a head when he openly admitted to me he wasn’t seeing them because “you’re in a mood” I don’t like that he is basing his relationship on them on his relationship with me. He hasn’t seen them for 2 months and now I’ve told him he can’t see them in my house anymore he told me I’m stopping him being a dad.

He's a disgusting stupid lazy fuckwit of a man-child. Why can't he man up and have his own dc in his own house?! Jesus. I'd get legal advice.

But tell him he has no right to have the dc in your house - he has to have them in his house from now on. You don't want to see him.

You're not stopping him from being a dad. His own issues and stupidity are doing that. Ignore his efforts at manipulation.

But you aren't stopping him. Just save a couple of texts where he spouts this nonsense and get on with your life.